Author’s note: This story is true and I do not have the heart to tell the whole truth. Maybe one day I will. I am hoping people will enjoy it anyway.
She was soft and warm, she had just had a shower. I loved the smell of her shampoo.
She gestured her arm towards me and said ‘Pillow?’.
It was usually I who was the pillow (despite her thinly supported argument that she was) but I was glad she had offered and I snuggled into her shoulder, my head resting on her arm. My forehead was pressed against her lips and I was trying to ignore my desires for her to press her lips to kiss me. I squeezed her tight and close to me, I was leaving the next day and if things went well it could be months before I saw her again… if things didn’t go well, it may extend to years.
It had only been a week since my lips had last touched hers but it wasn’t enough to squash my desires. I could feel her drifting to sleep, I knew she was very tired. I tried to let her rest but I couldn’t stop pulling her closer to me, I didn’t want her to sleep, not that night. As I grazed my hand down her side, my fingers came to rest on a small patch of bare skin at the hem of her shirt. Maybe it was as a result of her shower, or maybe it was just that I had forgotten, but her skin was so deliciously soft. I couldn’t help run my fingers gently in circles across her. I didn’t run my hand up her shirt, I wasn’t sure if she would be okay with that. But every time she wriggled and more of shirt crept up, I would greedily over take the new bare skin with my soft caresses.
I couldn’t stop moving, I couldn’t control my hands, I didn’t want to remove my fingertips from her skin. Eventually, we both decided to switch position, as I couldn’t stop moving and it wasn’t helping her get to sleep. I let her snuggle into my chest, wrapping both of my arms around her. I loved being her pillow but I was also sad because her lips were now much further away from mine. I pressed my lips to her forehead, doing what I wished so much for her to have done to me. I ran my fingers through her hair and continued to stroke the skin on her back, near the bottom of her shirt. Light fingertips across her skin. When we had changed position, her shirt had crawled halfway up her back, giving me much more access to her beautiful body.
Slowly and as lightly as I could manage, I would brush my fingers along the middle of her back, gently fingering the tattoo in the middle. I couldn’t see or feel where it was, but I knew from experience. I could feel her drifting to sleep, I knew by then the patterns of her breathing that showed her slipping into sleep. I nudged her gently, trying to make it appear to be an accident, she muttered at me.
‘You can’t go to sleep just yet’, I whispered into her hair.
‘Why not?’ She murmured back sleepily.
‘You haven’t said good night yet’.
I’m sure she knew what I had meant, when we used to kiss each other good night – even though we shouldn’t have. She looked up at me and said good night, and then snuggled herself back down into my chest.
The more she snuggled into my chest – the greater it filled it with sadness. I don’t know what I had been expecting, this beautiful woman wasn’t interested, I had known that a long time. I did not sleep over her house that night in the hope something more would happen. I went to spend some time with her alone, before I had to leave. But that didn’t mean I hadn’t hoped. It didn’t mean I didn’t wish for it, to feel her naked body pressed against mine, her mouth gasping against my neck. I shuddered at the thought. My eyes filled with tears, I think she felt my sadness because she squeezed me tight. She tried to poke me in the face, telling me to cheer up. If only she knew why I was sad, if only she knew that every time she tried to cheer me up, I fell more in love with her.
I smiled down at her, gently playing with her hair again, distracting her from my sadness. I laid for a very long time, lightly running my fingers along her skin with one hand, massaging her scalp with the other before I could muster up my courage. It was much harder when I was sober, my moral compass was more in tune. But I wanted this so badly, needed this, didn’t I deserve one kiss? I pulled her chin up towards me and kissed her. Very softly at first, asking for permission, her lips slightly grazed mine back and I took it as a yes. My lips pressed against her harder, my breath entering her mouth. It was just a few moments of our lips meeting before she tucked her head back down into my chest. I realised it was a dismissal and I whispered good night to her. I was lucky to even have that kiss, I could ask for no more.
By then the feel, the taste, the sensuality of her lips were even more present in my mind, even more desirable. I could never get enough. I had no right to kiss her, if she wanted to kiss me, she would. My mind couldn’t stop filling with negative thoughts such as maybe I had always pressured her into things. Maybe that I was leaving wasn’t a big deal to her. I closed my eyes hard and tried to distract myself from the negativity, I breathed deeply to let go of the feelings but the only thing that could distract me from them was her, her skin, the warmth of her body against me. Oh, the softness beneath my fingers made my breath catch. I could feel her falling back to sleep so I was being as gentle as I could, but I couldn’t stop my hands roaming further. I didn’t mean to be sexual, I just wanted her to relax, but when my fingers crept up between her shoulder blades and began to caress her, her breathy moan caught me off guard.
I pulled her close to me, nuzzling into her neck. I needed to do everything I could to resist her, I moved back and put a greater distance between our bodies. But I couldn’t control my fingertips, they were wandering with an agenda of their own. Stroking, caressing, lovingly touching her. Over and over again, they ran up and down her back, between her shoulder blades, across her sides. I pulled my hand out from beneath her shirt, taking my attention to her arm. From her shoulder all the way to her forearm my fingers would run, when they came up the back of her arm I could feel her shiver into me. Her rare shivers and moans were making it hard for me to breathe, I was afraid of letting out air in case it released all my emotions too. That would be dangerous.
The next time I pulled her close to me I ran my hand up along her stomach and under her shirt, over her side and to her back. I swear it was an accident but my thumb ran along the bottom curve of her breast. We both had an intake of sharp breath, surprised by the contact, excited even. I couldn’t help myself, trailing my fingers back down the same path to feel the curve again. I could feel the heat rise in my face, the wetness grew between my legs.
I can’t help it, I whispered to her apologetically.
I think we both knew that I wasn’t sorry, not this time.
She ran her own hand down my back across my underwear and down the back of my thigh,
It probably doesn’t help when I do this, her own apology as legitimate as mine.
I pulled her closer again, breathing against her neck, making sure my hot breath gave her goose bumps, and I breathed all the way up her neck my lips making a trail up behind her ear. Her moan was louder this time, her hand dug into the side of my body. I pulled back again, so I could stroke more of her skin. I was getting bolder now, my fingers were moving to her collarbone making sure to caress the hollow, along her neck, across her lips. Her breath on my fingertips was amazing, so sensual and pure. I moved my fingers down, letting them trail down the collar of her shirt across the top of her breasts. She froze, with anticipation, she couldn’t stifle the excited whimpers. I brought my hand back across to her arm, down her back, along the underside of her breast, and then back to her collarbone.
I was at the point where I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t control myself. She was so beautiful, her skin was so soft, her moans so delicate. Over and over, I ran my hand along the top of her breast, sometimes venturing across her body to stroke the top of the other breast. I ran my hand down between the middle of her small perky breasts, loving the delicacy of her body. I could feel the edge of roundness of both, remembering how firm they are.
If you don’t be careful, this is going to be dangerous she said.
I want it to be dangerous. I thought in response, too preoccupied to say it out loud. I ran my fingers slowly, very slowly.
They were my connection to her, they were the key to unlocking her, watching her let go and open herself to me. She was shivering now, constantly. I ran my fingers further down her breast until they were under her shirt, I was circling her nipple over and over. I was careful not to touch it. Not yet. She was moaning into me, her hips gyrating against me.
I skimmed across the top of her nipple, so that I was barely making contact with her. I could feel her breath stop. I did it again, over and over, hoping to drive her crazy. I could see her watching my fingers as her chest rose and fell with her deep breaths. Finally, I grasped her nipple, I pulled her towards me and kissed her. I wasn’t soft this time, I kissed her hard pressing my lips to her, showing her how I felt, showing her how her body drove me crazy. I could feel her kissing me back, her lips searching mine. I ran my tongue along her bottom lip, pinching her nipple hard. I started to massage her breast, my palm pressing hard against her nipple as we kissed, our lips searching and finding each other.
Sorry, sorry. She breathed into my mouth.
Today, I am not sorry I said, as my mouth was meeting hers.
I’m so so sorry, I’m really sorry she repeated it a few times before pulling her mouth from mine, she was looking down.
I removed my hand immediately from her breast. I must have crossed the line, I realised. I mean, I knew I had crossed a line but it was definitely not the first one we had crossed. I felt bad, I should never have put her in this position. It wasn’t okay for me to do this, she wasn’t mine and she was never going to be. I looked down at her, her head still resting on one of my arms. She was breathing heavily and she wouldn’t look at me. I began tracing my fingers along the path from before, along her back and shoulder blades, across her arm, down her side my thumb running on the underside of her breast. I hoped I hadn’t upset her, I wish she knew how hard it was for me to resist her. I thought that in the past I had done a pretty good job, especially when she had done the initiating, considering this is the most that I had crossed the line.
But that night for me felt different. I didn’t want to be the good guy. I wanted her, I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to make love to her, I wanted to feel her naked body hot against my own. I knew I wasn’t being fair, but childishly, I argued to myself that every other day for me wasn’t fair. Every other night, she would be with him. I deserved one night, right? I don’t know. Even now, I don’t know if I deserved that night or her. But I did it anyway, I leant in and kissed her again. I didn’t have her anyway, so I didn’t have anything to lose. This time I was softer than before, I was teasing and sensual, building up a tempo until our lips were dancing furiously against each other. I had pulled her shirt right up now and I was grabbing her breast hard alternating with tugging on her nipple.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry I can’t stop. I am so sorry, I just can’t stop she breathed to me as her hand pulled my body closer to her.
With that sentence, it all made sense, she was sorry she couldn’t resist any longer.
I don’t want you to stop, I replied.
And with that I rolled her on to her back, and wrapped my mouth around her nipple, my tongue teasing her, my lips pulling at her. She ran her fingers through my hair and both of our boundaries were lost, our resistance fell and our desires took over. I pressed her nipple hard between my tongue and the top of my mouth, I could hear her moans as her chest rose up to meet my mouth begging for more. Her hands wound tighter in my hair as I explored her nipple more, my hand squeezing her breast.
She leaned forward slightly and kissed along my neck, running her tongue up behind my ear. She took my ear lobe into her mouth and then twisted her tongue inside my ear, I moaned against her nipple, her tongue sending goose bumps down my body. I was really aware of the wetness forming between my legs now. I tugged her shirt up, suggesting she sit up so I could take it off. I pulled it up over her head and threw it to the floor. I ran my hand down her body, grabbing her buttocks hard. I inched my hand slowly up the bottom of her shorts, feeling the bare skin of her rear as I was biting down on her nipple. Her body was writhing below me, her mouth crying out for more. I removed my mouth from her breast and looked down at her, I was resting on one elbow, my other hand trailing the inside of her thighs.
I looked down at her as her eyes were shut, her mouth slightly ajar, her beautiful breasts perky and her nipples erect in excitement.
I don’t know why at this moment, but I stopped thinking about sex. I was thinking about how I could just stop right now, I could stop and go to sleep but I wasn’t so sure she could. It made me wonder, how could she cross these boundaries if she thought it were just sexual a thing. If that’s all there was between us, how did we even get to this point. How could she only be attracted to me sexually, how could I make someone feel this good and it were only a physical thing. Were boundaries really worth crossing just for physical pleasure? I kept my fingers trailing the inside of her thighs, teasing her. I never asked these questions of her because she always told me not to over think it. Not to over think what we had. But that didn’t stop me wondering. It didn’t stop me feeling. And it never, ever stopped me hoping.
She couldn’t take the slowing of pace as I was thinking and pushed towards me, kissing me, breathing along my neck. She began trailing her own hands down between my legs, I couldn’t help moaning into her. My thoughts were long gone; her touch distracting me and my hips began pushing up towards her. She ran her fingertips all over my body, giving me goose bumps everywhere, all the way back down to between my legs, running along the inside of my thighs. I tried to kiss her but she pulled away laughing
This is what you’ve done to me for almost hours she said, nearly aggressively.
With that, she ran her fingertips lightly over the front of my underwear. I’m sure she would be able to feel the wetness that had soaked through. I moaned loudly against her lips, I could feel myself losing control.
She pulled my shirt over my head, allowing her greater access to my body. I was lying on my back and I could see how much my own chest was rising, with anticipation, excitement, with want and need. She pressed her mouth against my nipple, flicking her tongue quickly across it. Over and over she went, her tongue working fast. I couldn’t stop my hips rising, trying to get her fingertips to touch me at my centre again. I knew I was losing control so I pushed her hands away and leant back over her, kissing her hard and pressing my tongue into her mouth. I started to pull her small pyjama shorts off, she lifted her hips to allow me to pull them off easier but I was caught between pulling them off and sucking on her nipple again. Her skin tasted delicious and I loved the feeling of her nipples between my lips. It took me longer than it should to get her shorts off as I was highly distracted by her breasts, my mouth alternating between nipples.
I teased her more with my fingers, slightly edging them into the side of her panties, running my fingers along her outer lips. Her hips were thrusting towards me now. I couldn’t resist any longer, I needed to feel her wetness. I pulled her underwear completely off.
They’re ruined now, she told me.
God, she was sexy. I ran my fingers through her light patch of pubes, slowly pressing my finger against her inner lips. I located her clit and massaged it gently. At one point, I just held my finger against her most sensitive spot as I ran my tongue along the inside of her mouth. I ran my fingers alongside each of her outer lips before pressing a fingertip to the wetness forming on the outside. We moaned in unison as I reached her most wet spot. I pushed my finger in further, the walls of her vagina tight around my finger.
Slowly I began to move my finger in and out, in and out, allowing her to adjust before adding another one. She was so wet they slid in and out easily. I curled my fingers around insider her, knowing that she liked it more. I was sliding in and out of her quickly now, my fingers fucking her tight wetness. I rubbed my thumb along her clit as I fucked her, and kept my mouth tightly wrapped around one of her nipples. We were both sweating from the heat of the sex, her moans were louder in my ear, her gasps beautiful to hear. I was moaning myself, the feeling of her wondrous body beneath me too much to handle. At some point I remember her saying she wanted to touch me too and reaching for between my legs, but I was too focussed on pleasuring her, too focussed on letting my fingers work her wet pussy.
I could feel her tightening around me, her body began to shudder.
Oh, babe she moaned.
I moved my fingers in and out faster, pressed the palm of my hand to her clit harder, I sucked on her nipple more intensely until I could feel her gripping me with her muscles, she was shuddering beneath me her hips bucking at my touch. Her orgasm over took her and her hands held my own in place, making sure I hit all the right spots as she came hard. I could feel her wetness soaking down my hand, her grip around my fingers began to loosen as her orgasm slowed down, before she was laying, relaxed against the bed, her breathing heavy. I moved my mouth to hers and kissed her slowly and gently, softly grazing my lips against hers. I wanted my kisses to transfer the love I felt for her, with every touch I gave, I wanted her to feel my love, in those heated moments – it didn’t matter it wasn’t returned, I only wanted to give.