Loading...Carrie picked irritably at a small piece of lint on her pristinely starched uniform. She would have preferred to wear civilian clothes but she knew the uniform was expected of her and Jonathon ‘Jonno’ Clark had deserved her respect.
She sat dry eyed and numb throughout the service, as the vicar droned on about the terrible waste of human life, the selfless sacrifice to protect human rights and finishing up with the predictable blurb about him now being in a better place.
The vicar was doing his best but it was obvious he hadn’t known Jonno, which is hardly surprising as Carrie had never known him set food inside a church unless it was for a wedding, christening or funeral.
She’d enlisted into the army with Jonno straight from school. Neither of them came from financially well-off families and they knew that if they wanted to go to university they would end up working their arses off in a bar, coffee shop or some other similarly mundane activity to fund their way and would probably still end up with massive student loans to pay off. The army however would sponsor them through their degrees while also paying them. A life in the forces also seemed quite exciting and they would get to see some of the world along the way, so they both decided that this would be a much better option.
They applied together and were both delighted that not only did they both get accepted but would be completing their basic training together. As they were both engineering students, they ended up spending much of their army careers in the same unit, helping and encouraging each other along the way.
That had been eight years ago and they had both achieved excellent degrees in engineering. Carrie had left the army as soon as her seven year stint came to an end and was now a successful, self employed civil engineer but Jonno had signed up for another stint; full of grandiose ideas about using his skills to rebuild the infrastructure that had been torn apart by war in Afghanistan — shame the Afghani insurgent hadn’t recognised his good intentions when he laid the land mine on the approach to the new bridge he was constructing huh?
She glanced across the aisle of the church to where his Commanding Officer was sitting in a wheelchair, both legs and one arm lost in the same explosion — maybe Jonno had actually been the lucky one?
Having no intention of attending the wake and having to make polite small talk with senior officers with whom she now felt no sense of camaraderie she walked quickly from the church at the end of the service, stopping to gaze over the river that she and Jonno had swum in as kids, while she smoked a cigarette.
Stepping around a huge oak tree to shield her from view of the departing mourners she was startled to find a woman already standing there, her black clothes and red eyes testament to the fact that she had been at the same funeral.
‘I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.’ and she turned to walk away. ‘It’s ok CJ, you don’t have to leave.’
Carrie was startled. She didn’t recognise the woman and hadn’t been called CJ for a few months. Not since the last time she’d seen Jonno in fact as he was the only person who called her by that nickname.
‘I’m sorry, do I know you?’ ‘You used to once but I looked a little different then. Imagine me 10 years younger, 4 stone heavier, black hair and with glasses an inch thick.’
The cogs were turning in Carrie’s head. The voice sounded familiar and when she thought about the description she came to a startling conclusion.
‘Susan?’ she stammered, shocked at the transformation that Jonno’s sister had made from ugly duckling to magnificent swan ‘Bloody hell I would never have recognised you! How are you?’ Susan shrugged, tipping her head toward the mourners exiting the church as if to say ‘I’ve had better days’.
Jonno’s sister was a couple of years older than they were and hung around with a very different crowd, so although their paths had crossed regularly they had never been friends. Susan was a Goth in her youth, dressed in black and purple and wearing enough dark makeup to effectively mask her features.
They spent most of their time hanging around the local dive bar where the Goth bands played or standing on street corners smoking weed, whereas Jonno and Carrie were more likely to be playing football or tennis, working out in the gym or off for the weekend climbing mountains or orienteering in Wales or Scotland.
Carrie had changed little during the intervening years; still slim, sporty and fit but with a few battle scars of her own gained along the way — hers were mainly mental though.
Susan had changed beyond recognition. Her black scraggy hair was now a deep and luxurious chestnut and her chunky and rotund figure was now voluptuous and shapely in all the right places. The glasses and thick makeup had gone, revealing a pair of beautiful green eyes set in a face that while pained, was very attractive.
‘Can I cadge one of those off you? This damn dress doesn’t have any pockets and I left mine in the car.’
Carrie handed over her cigarettes and lighter, noticing how Susan’s hands shook as she took the packet and tried to get one out. Looking at her face it was obvious that she was struggling to hold back the tears that were trying to break free.
‘I thought he’d come out of the army when you did. You know he only joined up because of you? Why didn’t he leave when you did?’
Carrie was shocked by this statement and also knew it to be false.
‘Susan he didn’t join because of me, we both joined to achieve a goal. We achieved that goal and I had my own reasons for leaving, just as Jonno had reasons to stay; he thought he could do some good out there.’
‘Oh bullshit! He joined because he was in love with you and he didn’t want to be away from you! What happened? Did you dump him? Break his heart? There must have been a fucking good reason as to why he stopped following you around like a puppy!’
Carrie had no energy for a fight right now and she didn’t want to upset Susan further, equally she didn’t feel that she had to explain herself to this woman — she may have been Jonno’s sister but she hardly knew her and it certainly wasn’t her place to tell her things that Jonno hadn’t told her himself for whatever reason.
Suddenly her uniform felt tight across her chest as if it was trying to stop her breathing and cut off her circulation. She had once promised herself never to wear it again and right now she needed to get home and get changed, so she turned on her heel and walked toward her car without looking back.
Once back home Carrie stripped out of her uniform and stood under a scalding shower for as long as she could bear, trying to rinse the day away along with the suds that cascaded down her body and swirled down the drain.
Eventually she towelled off, sat on the end of her bed and finally allowed herself to mourn the loss of the person who had been her best friend since she was 11 years old, the tears coursing down her cheeks freely until she sobbed herself into a fitful sleep.
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Carrie got home from work late having been at a site visit all day, pulled off her heavy work boots and slumped onto the sofa. It had been 2 weeks since Jonno’s funeral and although the intense pain had subsided, there was still a lingering heaviness in her heart that she just couldn’t shift.
As she sat there trying to decide what to have for dinner she noticed the light flashing on her answering machine, so she grabbed a notepad and pen from her briefcase and hit the ‘play’ button.
There were 3 telemarketing calls, 2 calls from potential clients and 4 hang-ups. She hated hang-ups as it seemed the height of bad manners to call someone’s number and not at least leave a message, especially as she assumed that these calls were probably automated sales calls.
Having made a note of the messages from clients she deleted the calls from the machine and was just heading into the kitchen when the doorbell stopped her in her tracks. She sighed to herself, wondering who would be calling on her without prior notice at 9pm at night and headed to the front door.
She was surprised when she opened the door to find Susan standing there looking sheepish and embarrassed. She was hungry and tired from a tough day at work, dealing with men who were convinced they knew more about engineering than she did purely because they had a dick between their legs. She really couldn’t face another showdown right now but she could hardly slam the door in her face either.
‘Hello Susan, how can I help you?’ ‘Hi CJ, I owe you an apology — can I come in please? I tried to call a few times but it seemed cowardly to leave a message on your machine.’
The familiarity implied by the use of Jonno’s nickname for her was irritating but she stood back and allowed Susan entry, following her into the living room and standing there waiting for her to say something. At least it explained the phone hang-ups.
‘I had no right to talk to you the way I did the other day. I was stressed and upset and I apologise. Your relationship with Jon is none of my business and I know that his getting killed wasn’t your fault — I was just looking for someone to blame and it wasn’t fair of me to take it out on you, especially when you must be hurting too.’
‘I understand your anger at his death but I didn’t have a relationship with Jonno, at least not in the sense that you’re implying.’
‘It’s ok; you don’t have to deny it CJ. I know you two were as thick as thieves and that you ran away into the army together. I just you’d wish stayed together and that he’d left when you did, but I don’t blame you and I was wrong to shout at you.’
‘I accept your apology but you’re still wrong about our relationship. I loved Jonno like a brother, he was my best friend but that’s as far as it went and I’d really appreciate it if you stopped calling me CJ.’
‘Then what am I supposed to call you, I thought it was your name? It’s what Jon always called you.’
‘My name is Carrie. Only Jonno called me CJ it was a private nickname.’
‘Oh right, so you weren’t involved but you had pet names for each other? I guess C&J are your initials then?’
‘No they aren’t my initials and it wasn’t a cutesy pet name it was a juvenile nickname, only Jon…….oh for god’s sake!’
Carrie was tired and exasperated but it was perfectly plain that unless she gave a pretty comprehensive explanation Susan was never going to believe her or understand. Maybe if she did then Susan would go away and leave her alone.
‘Sit down Susan and I’ll tell you all about my relationship with your brother, it might help you come to terms with things. I’ll put the kettle on.’
Returning to the living room with mugs of tea Carrie wondered where she should start, eventually settling on starting right at the beginning.
‘Jonno and I started the same senior school when we were 11. We were both sporty and were members of a lot of the same after school clubs — it gave us a lot in common and we became friends pretty quickly.
We were into the same sports and were both very competitive so we trained together a lot and it brought us close together.
We could talk about anything, no subject was taboo. We told each other our dreams, desires and fears, discussed who we fancied, laughed about our first fumbling sexual encounters. He was the closest friend I’ve ever had and we promised we’d always be there for each other but there was never anything sexual between us.
When we were fourteen I confided to him that I was having disturbing feelings about other girls. Jonno thought this was hilarious but other than taking the piss every now and again he was as fully supportive as a fourteen year old boy could be; I think he secretly found it quite cool to have a budding lesbian as his best friend.
He helped me to realise that it was ok to be different; we even compared notes on girls that we fancied and that’s where the nickname CJ came from — it stands for cunt jockey.’
‘Oh!’ stammered Susan obviously embarrassed once again, although Carrie didn’t know if it was because of the crassness of the nickname her brother had bestowed or the fact that she had been proven wrong in her assumptions.
‘So you see Jonno and I were never a couple, we were never lovers and he wasn’t in love with me. We joined the army together because we wanted to get good degrees without incurring huge debts.
Jonno fell in love in Afghanistan. Her name was Husna and she was a Doctor from Pakistan, working with the Red Cross. She was pretty, talented, intelligent and had a heart of gold — they made a wonderful couple, both wanting to do what they could to fix the war-torn country. He asked her to marry him and come to the UK to live; she agreed but it was going to take a while to sort out the logistics so he signed up for another 3 years, volunteering to spend them on tour in Afghanistan to be close to her.’
‘Oh god Carrie, I’m so very sorry!’ sniffed Susan as she wiped the tears from her eyes ‘he never told us anything about her. The only woman he ever spoke about was you, we all just assumed……..’
‘Yeah well, he probably wanted to make sure everything worked out ok first.’
‘So how come you left after your 7 years were up, weren’t you temped to stay?’
‘The military is trying to drag itself into the 21st century but same sex relationships are still frowned upon. I had a lover who was less than discrete and once the brass found out about it they made life very difficult for us. She was transferred to another unit and although I left of my own free will, it was obvious that my life was going to be pretty uncomfortable if I’d stayed, It’s hard enough being a female engineer in a male dominated army as it is.’ It was her standard answer. It wasn’t the whole truth but it usually sufficed.
‘I owe you a much bigger apology than I thought Carrie, please forgive me?’
‘Yeah, no worries.’ Sighed Carrie ‘but now I really need to eat something and get some sleep.’ And she ushered Susan out of the door before the conversation could go any further.
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For the next few weeks Carrie lived and breathed the project she was working on. She had been promised a very lucrative bonus if she could get it completed early and much as it had meant riding the contractors hard to beat the deadline she’d managed it.
No-one had minded too much once they realised they were getting a share of the bonus and she’d taken them out to celebrate once the job was complete.
Carrie had left them to it once they were all plastered enough to start acting like cavemen; why was it that every bloke she worked with seemed to take her lesbianism as a personal challenge once they’d had a few drinks? Even the married ones weren’t above making jibes and sneers about ‘converting’ her — even though she was pretty sure they’d run a mile if she actually gave them the opportunity to make good on their boasts about their sexual prowess.
Walking out of the pub she checked her mobile, finding a text message from a friend she hadn’t seen in a while: ‘Hey Carrie, you’ve been working too hard and we miss you. A few of the girls are getting together at the Flag tonight, come and join us if you can. Love ya, Ali xx
She and Ali had had a brief fling once but having a relationship with someone in the army isn’t always easy to start with, bordering on nigh-on impossible once they get stationed overseas, so they soon worked out that they were better off as friends. She sighed and glanced at her watch, it was still early so why not go and have some fun, so she hailed a cab and headed over to the Flag.
On entering the club she was assaulted by the volume of the music, peering into the darkness as she tried to locate her friends, finally spotting them at a table near the bar. She wasn’t a huge fan of the Flag; like many gay clubs and bars it could be a meat market and by the looks of the couples that had paired off in the darker reaches of the room, tonight was no different.
‘Hi guys, what’s the occasion?’ ‘Carrie!’ chorused her friends in unison and she was quickly ushered into a chair while someone went and ordered her a drink.
Ali leaned over and gave her a huge hug ‘It’s been way too long Carrie, what’ve you been up to? I was really sorry to hear about Jonno babe, are you coping ok?’
‘Yeah I’m ok thanks, I still miss him but I’m doing ok. I had a visit from his sister the other day though, she was convinced we were a couple, she obviously didn’t know I’m gay.’
‘Sue? What a stunner she turned out to be! She was here earlier but I haven’t seen her for a while so maybe she left already.’
‘She was in here?’ Carrie was about to question Ali further but her drink turned up and the conversation quickly moved on, Jonno’s sister getting forgotten in the onslaught of questions that were flowing back and forth as the friends tried to catch up on everything that had been going on since they last saw each other.
As Carrie exited the bathrooms some time later and was trying to manoeuvre her way through the crowded dance floor back to her friends, she noticed an argument going on in front of her. She noticed that the aggressor was a big, butch dyke called Sam, who was known for not taking no for an answer if she’d had a few drinks and it looked like tonight was one of those nights.
She’d got a firm grip on another girl’s arms and was physically trying to drag her off the dance floor, her victim resisting and trying to pull away unsuccessfully.
Carrie may have been in the Engineering Corp in the forces, but you don’t spend any time in the army without learning to be a soldier first and foremost. Her wiry frame was deceptively strong so she knew she could help the girl out if she needed it, so she sidled up behind her and listened in on the argument, gauging the situation first to make sure it wasn’t just a lovers tiff.
‘For god’s sake woman, one dance does not mean that I want to go home with you, now get your fucking hands off me!’ ‘Oh come on sweetie, afraid you can’t handle a butch like me? I’ll show you a good time, you know I will.’ Slurred the big butch, tightening her grip. ‘I am NOT coming home with you, not now, not ever, now go hit on someone else!’
OK, so this was no tiff; what’s more Carrie had recognised Susan’s voice as she tried to extricate herself from the vicelike grip on her arm so she walked up beside Sam, nudging her out of the way slightly as she spoke.
‘Hey Susan, there you are — I’ve been looking everywhere for you, I’m so sorry I was late.’
Susan looked startled at first and then relieved as she recognised Carrie’s intentions.
‘Hey Carrie, thank god you’re here at last!’ and she gave a meaningful look toward the girl who still had hold of one arm but was starting to ease her grip.
Carrie slipped her arm around Susan’s waist and kissed her cheek before looking at the butch and saying playfully ‘Hey, not stealing my date are you?’
‘She’s not your date and I saw her first, so how about you just back off?’ Sam slurred again.
Carrie sighed. She’d been determined to do this verbally with as little fuss as possible but it was becoming apparent that Sam was too drunk to take a hint. She was much bigger physically than Carrie and therefore probably assumed she would back down — well, she got that one wrong.
She saw a hand coming up to take a hold of Susan’s other arm but she intercepted it and deftly twisted it around backwards, pushing the thumb back at the same time and applying light pressure to the inside of the reversed elbow.
She wasn’t causing any pain at this point but she had effectively disabled the bigger woman and was providing enough discomfort to make it obvious that more pressure on her elbow or thumb was going to be very unpleasant.
She leaned in and whispered menacingly to her captive ‘Don’t make me hurt you woman. Leave Susan alone; she doesn’t want you and you know it. Go peacefully and this goes no further — try anything and I’ll break your arm.’
‘Just who the fuck do you think you…. ow, get the fuck off me!!’ Carrie had only applied a bit more pressure, not enough to do any damage, but it had the desired effect of making her release her grip on Susan. Carrie then frog marched Sam to the door and pushed her outside, ignoring the stream of slurred obscenities that were being hurled in her direction.
She turned back into the club, smiling at the bouncers who were quite cheerful about her doing their job for them and almost walked straight into Susan who had followed her to the doorway.
‘Thanks Carrie, that was starting to get pretty nasty.’ ‘That’s ok, she’s known for being a bit aggressive when she’s had too much to drink, you should keep your distance. What are you doing here Susan?’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You do know this is a gay bar don’t you?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ ‘So what are you doing here?’ ‘Do I have to spell it out for you Carrie? I’d have thought you of all people might be a bit more intuitive!’
Carrie stared dumfounded until the penny dropped. ‘You’re gay?’
‘Technically bisexual I guess, although it’s been a while since I went out with a man. Why are you so surprised?’ ‘Well, I guess I’m just surprised Jonno didn’t mention it.’ Stammered Carrie, beginning to feel stupid ‘Jon didn’t know Carrie. You may have had a close relationship with my brother where you could talk about anything but I didn’t, and strangely enough, who I choose to sleep with never became a topic of conversation on his brief visits home.’
Unusually Carrie was stuck for words. It seemed that Jonno had known as little about his sister as she had known about him and now that he was gone it saddened her that they’d never get a chance to rectify that situation.
‘Can I buy you a drink as a thank you?’ asked Susan, breaking the silence.
‘Um sure, yeah I guess so. Let me go tell my friends where I am before they send out a search party,’
When Carrie reached her friends they were looking like they were getting ready to go, offering her a place in their taxi. Carrie explained the incident with Sam and that Susan was just getting her a drink.
‘You old dog!’ chuckled Ali ‘She hasn’t been short of offers but she’s turned everyone down so far.’
‘Don’t get excited girl, she’s just buying me a drink as a thank you, she’s not coming onto me!’
‘Yeah right!’ and with that Ali left, winking over her shoulder and chuckling to herself.
Carrie joined Susan at the bar and sat on the bar stool next to her. It was getting late and the crowd was thinning slightly, making conversation slightly easier.
‘So how come we’ve never bumped into each other here before?’ asked Susan, tipping her glass to Carrie’s in a silent ‘cheers’.
‘I don’t come here often. It’s too much like a cattle market and there are too many people here like Sam for my liking.’ The mention of the aggressive dyke caused Susan to shiver noticeably. ‘How on earth did you end up in that situation, didn’t anyone warn you about her?’
‘I was dancing with a group of friends and she kind of joined in with us. The next thing I know my so-called friends have all left and I’m stuck on the dance floor with her. Wouldn’t have been too bad but just then the music slowed down and she grabbed me. I tried to walk away straight after the dance but she had other ideas as you saw. I really can’t thank you enough for rescuing me Carrie; I was just about ready to scream if she didn’t let me go.’
‘Don’t worry, the bouncers know her and they wouldn’t have let her drag you out against your will. The next time she sees you she’ll be falling over herself to apologise — until she gets drunk again.’
They chatted for a while over a couple of drinks until it was nearly closing time when Carrie suddenly felt the urge to leave. As she was gathering her jacket and bag Susan slipped a piece of paper into her hand with her phone number on it.
Carrie looked at her quizzically until Susan explained. ‘Listen we got off on the wrong foot and that’s my fault but I’ve enjoyed the talking to you and I thought it would be nice if we could be friends? If you fancy going for a drink and a chat some time give me a call?’ and with that she kissed Carrie gently on the cheek and they went their separate ways.
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Carrie had been working too hard recently and had promised herself some long overdue time off now that the last big project had come to a close. She still had smaller projects in the pipeline but she had a good team and was confident that they could do without her for a few days. They had her number if anything unexpected came up.
Having woken early — a habit that she was still trying to break from her army days, she decided to go out for a walk in the bright Spring sunshine. She had no specific destination in mind but within 30 minutes she found herself at the gates to the churchyard.
She ambled around the gravestones until she came to Jonno’s plot, the ground still raised in a noticeable hump and a temporary marker in place, waiting for the ground to settle before a more permanent headstone could be erected.
She sat down on the soft grass next to the plot, wishing she’d brought flowers. She had no idea how long she’d sat there, the sun warming her back gently as she reminisced about times gone past that she’d shared with her friend. Childhood times when they were competing against each other to be the fastest or strongest or best in whatever sport they were playing; adult times when they’d gone out drinking together, both hoping to pull some cute woman; army times when they’d shared how scared they were in the face of enemy fire — daring to talk to each other about their fears in a way they never would with their other fellow soldiers; proud times on both getting Firsts in their degrees and the ensuing hangover that followed their celebration.
Most of the memories were happy and full of mischief but they were followed by the inevitable sadness caused by knowing that they would never share such times again. She knew that tears has started to slowly trickle down her face but she let them fall unchecked, allowing herself this time to wallow in how much she missed her friend.
‘Hi, mind if I join you?’ The voice startled Carrie out of her reverie and back to reality and she stood quickly, wiping the tears from her face.
Susan stood there looking at her, eyes full of sympathy and understanding.
‘You know I think you probably miss him more than I do. He may have been my brother but you spent more time with him than me and you knew him so much better.’
‘Sorry — your turn to grieve, I’ll leave you to it.’ Carrie was embarrassed at being caught sitting there crying and for some reason, the last person she wanted seeing her this vulnerable was Susan, so she wiped her face one last time and turned to leave but she felt herself being tugged back by the sleeve of her jacket.
‘Why do you keep running away from me away Carrie, have I done something to offend you?’
‘I don’t, I’m not, it’s just….. I thought you’d want some time alone.’ She answered lamely, knowing that it wasn’t really the truth but not understanding the real reason herself.
‘Actually I just detoured through here on my way to the supermarket to buy something for lunch but I’d much rather go to a café or bistro if you fancy joining me? I hate eating alone — I’m buying.’
Carrie intended to say no but when she thought about it she couldn’t come up with a single reason as to why she shouldn’t have lunch with Susan. It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to be, or anything else to do, so why was she so reluctant? Before she realised what she was doing she heard a voice that she knew to be her own saying ‘Yes ok.’
They sat outside a café in the town square, revelling in the spring sunshine and the blossom that was abundant on the ornamental cherry trees. As they sat drinking coffee and chatting after their meal, Carrie came to a realisation. Susan reminded her of Jonno.
She noticed how their mannerisms and speech idioms were similar, as were their senses of humour. They were both quick to laugh — the sound itself a bubbling of amusement that seemed to well up from somewhere deep down inside, breaking out onto the surface in an explosion of contagious mirth.
She watched as Susan sat twirling her coffee spoon around her slender fingers and wondered how many times she’d watched Jonno do exactly the same thing, had even been irritated by it.
‘Hey, hello — earth to Carrie!’ She looked up startled. Susan had been saying something but she had no idea what.
‘I’m really sorry Susan I think I drifted off there for a moment.’
‘Yeah, I noticed! By the way, you know how you asked me not to call you CJ? Well would you mind not calling me Susan? The entire world calls me Sue except for you and my Mum and I’d rather not have you two in the same category.’
‘Oh sorry. What’s wrong with being in the same category as your Mum, don’t you get on?’
‘We get on ok for the most part. She wasn’t overly pleased that just as her Goth daughter started to look and behave normally she came out as gay, but we got over that. Unfortunately now that Jon’s gone she’s bemoaning the fact that she’ll never had grandkids but we do ok.
The reason why I’d rather not have you in the same category is that you’re a hottie who I’d really like to get closer to, whereas my Mum is….. well, she’s my Mum!”
Carrie sat there with her mouth hanging open. She had no idea what to say to that and had never even considered Sue in that way. Truth be told she hadn’t really considered anyone in that way for the longest time, her unfortunate army experience and the following humiliation at the hands of her fellow soldiers had been enough to seriously dampen her ardour. Other than a few brief encounters to ‘scratch an itch’ so to speak, romance hadn’t crossed her mind since returning from Afghanistan.
‘It’s ok, I wasn’t fishing for compliments’ stated Sue, obviously a bit disgruntled at the slightly horrified expression on Carrie’s face.
‘No, it’s not ok. I’m sorry Sue, you took me by surprise and to be honest — well, it’s been a while.’
‘Yeah I know, your friend Ali mentioned that you weren’t seeing anyone and that you hadn’t been in a relationship for a while.’
‘Great! Nice to know that my friends have been talking about me behind my back!’ The hurt of the way she was treated in the army came flooding back; the way some of her mostly-male colleagues had made her life hell; the gossip; the names.
‘Jeez Carrie, chill out woman! Ali didn’t volunteer any information, I asked her a couple of questions and she answered them, it really wasn’t big deal! At least I know now where I stand with you, I won’t be making that mistake again.’
‘This was a bad idea.’ And with that Carrie grabbed her jacket and strode away from the table. She was furious but she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t as though Ali would deliberately gossip about her behind her back and Sue was nice enough, so why was she so damned angry?
She knew the answer deep down but didn’t want to acknowledge it consciously so she went home and did what she always did — she stood under a shower that was so hot it hurt, trying to wash the hurt and the shame away.
Later she would get very, very drunk.
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Sue walked into The Flag and scanned the crowd until she found who she was looking for. Ali was sat at the bar chatting to the barman, looking up and smiling as Sue approached.
‘Hiya, how are things?’
‘I’m ok but I thought I should warn you that I seem to have upset Carrie.’ And she proceeded to tell Ali about their confrontation at lunchtime. ‘She seemed really pissed off that we’d talked about her; I’m sorry if I’ve dropped you in it but I thought I should warn you.’
Ali was silent for a time, thinking about Carrie and the way she’d reacted. She also started to analyse Carrie’s change in personality and refusal to enter into the dating scene again since her return from Afghanistan.
‘Listen Sue, I don’t know the details but I think something happened to Carrie when she was stationed overseas. I think kid gloves may be needed with her right now, I think she’s fragile somehow.’
‘She told me about how they’d discovered her relationship with another woman and that it caused her to leave the army.’
‘No Sue, we all know about that. It’s something else, something deeper, something worse. Don’t worry about getting me in trouble with Carrie, we’re old friends and we have history and we won’t fall out over this, but watch yourself with her, I don’t want to see her hurting.’
‘I don’t want to hurt her, I really like her but for some reason she seems to hate me and I don’t know why. Should I keep trying or just walk away?’
‘I don’t have the answers, just watch your step that’s all I’m saying — otherwise one of you could wind up getting hurt.’
Sue left the bar and walked out into the cooling evening, wondering what her next move should be. She questioned her motives regarding Carrie. Why did she feel so drawn to her? Was she really that attracted to her or was it because she was the best connection to her lost brother? Maybe she should work things out in her own head before she pursued Carrie any further.
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Carrie woke up with the mother of all hangovers. Her head felt like there was a pneumatic drill inside and the bright morning light felt like it was piercing her brain like a laser. She managed to haul herself into the bathroom and sit on the toilet but as she got up she felt dizzy and stumbled against the sink, just managing to get her head over the basin before vomiting.
She stared at herself in the mirror, noticing the dead look in her red rimmed eyes, the sallow complexion and the lank blonde hair that hung limply about her face. Thoughts of how she’d stormed out on Sue came back into her mind and she groaned, knowing she had to apologise, but not now. She went back to bed.
The phone woke her again and she was surprised to see that it was dark outside. She ignored the ringing and headed into the kitchen, chugging orange juice straight out of the carton in an effort to slake an all consuming thirst.
She noticed the bottle of Dalwhinnie Single Malt sitting on the work surface, now three quarters empty, and groaned inwardly. She had to stop destroying herself like this; maybe this time she really would get some counselling?
After cleaning herself up and getting dressed she remembered about the phone and hit the message button, Ali’s bright and cheery voice filling the room.
‘Hey babe, how are you? Just to remind you that it’s Jenny’s hen night tomorrow and you need to be there by 8pm. call me.’
Glancing at the clock she noticed it was after midnight so she changed her sweat soaked sheets, got undressed again and went back to bed.
The next time she surfaced into consciousness she was startled awake by a dream about a time when her and Jonno had gone out drinking together and had ended up passing out in the same bed. In real life she remembered waking the next morning, confused to find him snoring next to her, then relieved as she realised they were both still fully clothed.
In the dream though she had reached out and caressed the side of his face, leant in and kissed him deeply, passionately, had felt her body respond to the hands that were caressing her gently, finally pulling back to look into a face that didn’t belong to Jonno at all but to his sister Sue. Eye’s so like his but softer and filled with the kindness and passion that only a lover can show.
By the time she woke up fully she was fiercely turned on and her exploring hand found her aching sex wet and wanting, her nipples hard and proud. It wasn’t long before her fingers were pounding into her as she pulled on her nipples, her climax coming fast and leaving her panting.
She lay there confused and anxious before mentally berating herself to get a grip. She got up and got on with her life, spending time visiting garden centres and planting the young seedlings into her small garden. She did laundry, cooked meals for the freezer and generally spent a homely day keeping herself busy…….. and yet, the dream haunted her; would never quite leave her alone, tormented her with thoughts of how it would be to have a partner, a significant other, someone to whom she belonged and they to her.
She arrived at Ali’s a little after 8pm that evening. She didn’t really want to go but had nothing better to do so she’d wrapped her present, pulled on a pair of jeans that were tight enough to stop traffic and her favourite Stranglers t-shirt and headed out of the door.
‘Hey, I was worried you weren’t going to turn up!’ Smiled Ali as she hugged Carrie fiercely and dragged her straight into the kitchen before saying anything else ‘I have to warn you that Jenny has invited Sue. I would have warned you earlier but I only just found out myself.’
This wasn’t entirely true — she had known that Sue had been invited since early that morning but she was worried about the hermit lifestyle that Carrie seemed to adopting and didn’t want to give her the chance to back out. She also didn’t want to stop Sue from coming as she felt that maybe Sue was someone who could drag Carrie kicking and screaming back into the real world given time.
‘Have you two been talking about me again?’ scowled Carrie. She didn’t want another confrontation and was about ready to turn on her heal and flee.
Ali grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her down into a chair at the kitchen table, sitting opposite her and holding her hands.
‘Now you listen to me ok? Sue’s nice. I know how private you’ve become but we haven’t been gossiping about you ok? She likes you for god’s sake and would like to be your friend if nothing else; she asked for my advice that’s all. Carrie I don’t know where you go to in your head these days but I’m getting the impression it’s not a nice place. We’re all here to help you babe if you need us. You don’t have to tell me the details but don’t run away from us either alright?’
Carrie was stunned. She had known that her behaviour had changed since she’d come home from the army but she thought she hid it well, had no idea that her friends had picked up on it. She looked at Ali and saw the concern on her friend’s face.
‘I’m sorry Ali. I can’t talk about it but you’re right, I have some issues that I’m dealing with right now. I know I snapped at Sue and I need to apologise to her. Thanks for caring Hon.’ and she hugged Ali tightly as she fought back the tears that threatened to engulf her.
Just as they joined the others in the living room one of their friends returned from the front door with Sue in tow.
Carrie and her both stood there at opposite ends of the room, staring at each other, neither of them knowing what to say. Finally Carrie managed a half smile and nodded her head slightly; it wasn’t much but it was enough to allow Sue to be comfortable in the same room as her and she sat down on the sofa and accepted a glass of wine.
The evening was fun but Carrie found it hard to relax and enjoy herself properly. There was plenty of chatter and laughter as Jenny was opening presents, especially when it turned out that both Carrie and Sue had each bought her a vibrator.
There were several times during the evening when Carrie found her eyes drawn toward Sue and it wasn’t uncommon for her to glance covertly in her direction to find Sue looking back at her, both of them looking away quickly as if they’d been caught doing something naughty.
As the evening was winding down Carrie stood up to leave. She’d stayed on soft drinks all night so as not to get another hangover and as she was saying her goodbyes she asked if anyone needed a lift.
The only person who said yes was Sue, but she could hardly rescind the offer once she’d made it and besides, she needed to apologise anyway so may as well get it over with.
They walked to the car and started their journey in silence, finally both starting to speak at once to fill the void, which at least had the effect of making them laugh.
‘Sue I need to apologise about the other day. I just got a bit freaked out and it wasn’t your fault, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and I shouldn’t have stormed off, I really am very sorry.’
Carrie was glad that she was driving and didn’t have to look at Sue’s face, especially since she knew her own was turning red with embarrassment. She felt a hand squeeze her own hand resting on the gear stick and turned to see Sue smiling at her.
‘We seem to apologise to each other a lot don’t we; how about we both forget about the past and just move on from here? I’d like to be friends if you’ll let me.’
‘It’s a deal.’ And with that they drew up outside Sue’s house and she climbed out without another word, turning to wave as Carrie pulled away from the curb. Carrie’s dreams that night were disturbing and frightening, full of feelings of helplessness and humiliation, of being held down and having her clothes torn from her body, of laughter at her expense, at rough hands pawing at her body, of the smell of beer and cheap whiskey.
She awoke at 5am in a cold sweat and rushed straight into the shower, standing under the scalding water for as long as she could endure, desperately trying to wash the thoughts out of her head. As she showered Sue’s words from earlier kept swirling around her brain like a mantra “forget about the past and just move on from here.” Could she ever do it?
————————————————————————-
Carrie received the invitation to the forces memorial service through the post and almost threw it straight into the bin in disgust; then she thought about Jonno and changed her mind, picking up her mobile and making a call.
She felt slightly weird calling Sue but maybe it was an ideal way for them to spend some time together on neutral territory, helping to put the past behind them.
Sue was delighted to get her call and was overjoyed to have someone to go with. Her parents were getting on and weren’t up to the travel but Sue was determined that there would be someone there to represent her brother; now there would be two people standing in Jonno’s corner.
They didn’t see each other in the intervening 2 weeks and both were a little nervous, their track record wasn’t great after all, but once seated on the train they managed to fall into that comfortable journey state where long silences punctuated with intermittent chatter was perfectly comfortable.
The service was in the morning and they had booked into a small hotel for the night, getting there a little after 8pm in the evening. They checked in uneventfully and were shown to adjoining rooms, a locked door separating them, where they freshened-up after their journey before wandering out to a restaurant to eat.
They managed to make small talk and have a good time and again Carrie started noticing the similarities between Susan and Jonno and she couldn’t help commenting on it, which made Sue smile.
It was then she noticed just how Sue’s eyes sparkled when she smiled, how the little crows feet at the corners actually seemed to enhance her appearance rather than detract from it. She also noticed how Sue’s generous breasts were trying to break free from the confines of her blouse and that they had a smattering of freckles on the gentle swell at the top.
She learned that Susan was currently not working but was financially stable due to a generous redundancy payment and some sound investments she’d made into the property market during the last slump.
Eventually the conversation got around to partners, with Sue asking if she was still in touch with the woman who had caused her departure from the army.
‘Hell no! It was never serious and if she’d had the sense to keep her damned mouth shut it would have saved me a lot of grief; I don’t ever want to hear from her again.’ Carrie was starting to get jittery with this line of conversation but she managed to hold herself in check.
‘So what about you? You’re a very attractive woman, how come you’re still single?’
Sue smiled at the compliment, even if it was inadvertent. ‘Oh I don’t know, just haven’t met the right person I guess. I’ve only had 2 long term relationships; one with a guy who turned out to be a complete dickhead. I dumped him when I caught him shagging one of his colleagues and “borrowing” money from my bank account. The other one was with a woman. We were together for about 3 years but it just didn’t work out, I think we just wanted different things and eventually we just fizzled out. I still meet up with her for a drink every now and again and sometimes I can’t work out how we ever became friends let alone lovers.
How come you haven’t found anyone new since leaving the army, you must have had plenty of offers?’
Carrie felt herself tense again and her initial reaction was to get angry and run but then she felt a gentle caress on the back of her hand on the table and it calmed her a little. She looked up into Sue’s face and saw nothing but caring and concern.
‘It’s ok, it’s obviously a sore point, just forget I asked. If you need to speak to someone though I’m a good listener.’ And she steered the conversation onto safer ground.
————————————————————————-
Carrie had no idea what time it was when she heard the urgent knocking at the adjoining door. She sat up in bed and switched on the light, trying to get her bearings in the strange room.
She got out of bed and unlocked the door seeing Sue standing just the other side.
‘What’s up?’ she asked groggily
‘That’s what I wanted to ask you. You’ve been shouting in your sleep for the last 15 minutes and I was worried about you, I thought you might have been afraid of the storm.’
‘What storm?’ but just then the night sky was rent by lightening, closely followed by a loud crash indicating that the storm was pretty close.
‘Sorry, I get nightmares sometimes but I’d taken a sleeping tablet so I didn’t wake.’ It was then that she noticed the frightened look on Sue’s face and the way she was hugging herself. ‘Are you afraid of the storm?’
‘I know it’s silly but I’ve never liked them.’ Sue answered sheepishly.
Carrie took hold of Sue’s hand and steered her toward her bed. ‘Come and sleep with me if it’ll make you feel better.’ Sue was initially surprised but gratefully accepted the offer, climbing under the duvet and snuggling down as Carrie got in the other side.
As Carrie reached for the light she turned to Sue and smiled ‘Did you know that your big rough, tough brother was also afraid of thunder storms? He used to climb into my bed sometimes too.’
Sue chuckled; grateful for the way Carrie was taking care of her trying to stop her feeling silly. She felt instantly calmer and soon both of them were sleeping again.
Carrie awoke irritated by something tickling her nose, opening her eyes to find her vision filled with soft chestnut hair. She was snuggled up against Sue’s back, spooning her closely from behind, her right arm tucked tightly into Sue’s tummy and being firmly held in place by Sue’s hand as she slept.
Carrie was horrified at her nocturnal migration from the other side of the bed and was desperately trying to work out how to extricate herself without waking Sue, when memories of Sue’s words came back to her again “forget about the past and just move on from here” and she realised that for the first time since leaving the army she had slept soundly and without bad dreams.
In fact she felt warm, peaceful, rested and if she was honest with herself she didn’t really want to move at all. As she was considering her situation she heard Sue’s breathing change, signalling that she was waking. Carrie tried to gently pull her hand back so she could move away but Sue held on and actually pulled her arm more tightly around her.
Carrie knew that this was no somnolent move, it was quite deliberate. She fought the rising panic and allowed herself to just enjoy the feeling of closeness for a moment, her body relaxing as she took deep breaths, inhaling the soft scent of Sue’s hair.
They lay quite still for a moment, not speaking, until Sue slowly rolled over, keeping hold of Carrie’s arm so that it fell over her back as she turned onto her side, looking into Carrie’s eyes and seeing something there that had been absent in the past. There seemed to be life in her eyes that was previously absent and where as before Carrie often looked slightly worried or scared, there was little or no trace of that now; it seemed to have been replaced with something else — trust maybe?
‘Hey’ Whispered Sue as she smiled warmly, snaking her own arm onto Carrie’s hip under the covers, her thumb gently caressing the soft material of her pyjamas.
‘Hey yourself’ whispered Carrie back, at a loss for something else to say. She had denied herself any type of real and emotional closeness with another person for so long that she now felt like a mist was clearing, allowing her to remember how wonderful and intimate something as simple as a cuddle, a gentle touch from another could feel. The fear that she had lived with for so long had shifted slightly and had morphed into something different — hope? Anticipation possibly?
It seemed like they stared into each other’s eyes for the longest time, speaking volumes while saying nothing until Sue moved her face closer slightly until Carrie could feel her warm breath on her face, their eye’s never parting.
‘May I?’ Carrie thought about the question, she really did, her answer eventually coming in the form of a slight nod.
Sue inched closer still until her lips barely touched Carrie’s, she kissed her gently and tentatively, pulling back to gauge the reaction on Carrie’s face and finding her wide eyed but unresisting, so she kissed her again but this time more firmly and as she felt Carrie start to respond she allowed her tongue to lick along her lower lip, encouraging her to open her mouth.
Carrie’s heart was beating wildly. There was still fear and yet there was something else, something good, something positive, something natural; Sue’s lips felt so soft, so giving, so wonderful. She pulled away from the kiss and looked at Sue once more, again seeing no malice in her eyes, just caring and longing and as she looked at her face she could almost feel the ice around her heart cracking, freeing her soul and awakening her sensuality and before she even realised what she was doing she had tightened her grip around Sue’s waist and pulled her tightly against her, their lips coming together and their tongues sweetly exploring each other’s mouth.
She jumped slightly as she felt Sue’s hand slide over the curve of her hip and cup a firm buttock, kneading gently, sensuously, but as surprise turned to pleasure she was unable to stop the low moan escape her mouth and she allowed herself to revel in the sensation, realising that her own hand was now roaming freely over Sue’s back.
Sue seemed to sense a change in Carrie and she pulled away from her lips, stroking Carrie’s face tenderly as she kissed and nibbled the line of her jaw, tracing her lips down her neck and smiling as she heard Carrie’s breathing change as her arousal grew. Sue knew that this was a now – or – never moment but she also knew she had to tread lightly, so she placed her lips against Carrie’s ear, her voice little more than a husky whisper ” I really want to make love to you, will you let me?”
Carrie was past making rational decisions at this point and her answer of ‘oh god yes, please’ was out of her mouth without conscious thought or deliberation, her body now making her choices for her.
Sue sat up in bed and lifted her pyjama top over her head, revealing a pair of round, full, heavy breasts that sagged slightly under their own weight but were no less appealing for it. Her hands slid under the covers and she shimmied out of her bottoms, producing them above the duvet with a flourish and tossing them across the room.
Carrie hadn’t moved. She lay there watching Sue, mesmerised by the way her breasts swayed with every move, realising that she was salivating at the thought of taking those luscious globes into her hands and sucking on the thick, long, dark red nipples that were their crowning glory.
Sue leaned over and gently pushed Carrie onto her back, her hands deftly undoing the buttons on Carrie’s top until she could peel the material back and expose her chest to her gaze. Carrie’s breasts were smaller; pert and firm with small pink nipples like jelly tots and Sue couldn’t resist taking first one and then the other into her mouth and licking around the pinnacles as she sucked them into her mouth, feeling them harden further into little pebbles under her tongue’s assault.
Carrie pushed Sue away for just long enough to remove her pyjama’s, instantly pulling her back on top and kissing her deeply once more, both of them moaning as their naked bodies made full contact for the first time, their hands caressing every available inch of soft, yielding skin.
Sue lifted up slightly, intent on moving down Carrie’s body but she had other ideas, grasping the pendulous breasts that were hanging above her and pulling them into her mouth; nibbling and sucking on the rigid nipples until Sue was moaning loudly and her wetness was starting to seep down and mingle with Carrie’s.
Sue slipped off Carrie’s body and they lay on their sides kissing, their legs entwined as their hands travelled lower until they were both cupping each other’s mounds, mirroring each other’s actions as they dipped searching fingers into sopping folds, rubbing hard nubs and thrusting those knowing fingers into warm, wet, silky tunnels until they were both gasping for air, their kisses stifling their moans as their frenzied actions increased and they crested, their pussies clenching and contracting around the fingers that had supplied their release.
They lay holding each other tightly as their highs subsided, their arms and legs wrapped around each other, a bundle of hot sweaty limbs, pulsing with the aftermath of intense pleasure until they were roused by the front desk phoning with Carrie’s wake up call.
She put the phone down and rolled back to face Sue, who took her face in her hands, kissed her tenderly and said ‘Wow, that was intense!’
‘Mmmm I didn’t expect that.’ Murmured Carrie, once again basking in the feeling that only making love with someone you care about and trust can give, allowing her lips to nibble Sue’s ear lobe and neck as she nuzzled in tightly against her ‘but I suppose we better get up and get ready for the service?’
Reluctantly they climbed out of bed to shower and dress in their separate rooms, Carrie automatically turning the shower to its highest temperature and then smiling to herself in astonishment as she slowly turned it back down again to something more pleasant. She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually enjoyed a shower but today she actually found herself singing as she lathered her body; running her hands over skin that so recently had been caressed by someone else.
Sue expressed surprise when Carrie wandered into her room wearing a dark blue trouser suit rather than her uniform. ‘I swore I’d never wear it again once I got out — Jonno’s funeral was an exception, I won’t ever be wearing it again.’
Once again Sue saw Carrie’s eyes cloud over, the pain evident regardless of how hard she tried to hide it, so she walked up to her and wrapped her arms around her, not saying anything, just showing her support in a silent hug.
Carrie instantly felt herself calm and the rising anger subsided as she hugged Sue back and held her tightly, the closeness of another person providing a comfort she had denied herself for too long.
Sue kissed Carrie quickly and lightly on the lips, said ‘let’s go’ and took her by the hand as they left the room.
————————————————————————-
The memorial service was quite uneventful and was a mixture of mourning for those who were lost and celebration of their lives and achievements. Both Carrie and Sue shed tears as they remembered Jonno, and as many parts of the service were taken by people who had actually known and served with the fallen soldiers it was much more personal than his funeral had been.
There was a buffet lunch reception in a hotel after the service and Sue noticed that Carrie wasn’t vaguely interested in speaking to any of the army personnel there — in fact she seemed to deliberately avoid most of them, her eyes constantly scanning the assembled group, always alert and on guard like a coiled spring.
Sue went to the buffet table to get them both another glass of wine as Carrie left the function room to use the bathroom. When Carrie hadn’t returned after a few minutes she started to get concerned and went to look for her.
Rounding a corner she saw Carrie in the corner of the corridor having what seemed to be a very intense discussion with a man in uniform. It wasn’t until she got a little closer that she could here when Carrie was saying and realised that Carrie actually had a very firm grip on the mans genitals, his face contorted in pain at the force Carrie was exerting.
‘Get you fucking hands off me you dyke bitch. You show up here in civvies with some fucking tart on your arm, you’ve got no respect!’ and he winced harder as Carrie squeezed just that little bit tighter.
‘I’ve got no respect? You arrogant fucking arsehole! Do you think what you and your cronies did to me showed any kind of respect? I DO have respect for the army but not for many of the people in it, you included; and as for the woman you’re calling a tart — that’s Jonno Clark’s sister and if I remember rightly he saved your sorry arse by dragging you out of the line of fire when you fell over and were too scared to get up again, you cowardly piece of shit, so don’t talk to me about respect!
Yes I’m in civvies because the old-boys network ruined my attitude toward the uniform but remember one thing, I’m not in the army now and I can still press charges through the police and there isn’t a thing the army could do to save you. My evidence coupled with the recorded conversations I had with the commander when he was convincing me to keep my mouth shut would be enough to put you into prison — sex offenders get what they deserve in prison, who’d be the bitch then huh?’
At this point the man dropped to his knees coughing, as Carrie gave a final twist to emphasise her point and let go. She turned to find Sue standing a few feet behind her, storming past her and out of the hotel door where she stopped and lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply as she held it in shaky hands. ‘Well that told him! Want to talk about it?’ Carrie looked into Sue’s face and was about to say no, except that when she saw the concern in Sue’s eyes as she slipped a protective arm around her shoulders in a gesture of support, instead of words coming out Carrie found herself sobbing instead.
She allowed herself to be guided through the hotel grounds until they came to a bench in a quiet, secluded spot where Carrie buried her face in Sue’s shoulder and allowed the wracking sobs free reign until Sue’s soothing words and gentle touches brought her back from the darkness that threatened to engulf her.
Eventually Sue sat patiently as Carrie told her story for the first time since leaving the army. Told of how her lover had bragged about their affair, being cocky about the way they were flying in the face of rules and tradition, smug about being in a relationship with someone of a slightly higher rank; it was only a matter of time until word got around to the wrong people.
She had been transferred almost instantly — Carrie on the other hand was too important to the project they were working on and was left in place, having to deal with the abuse, comments and name calling.
Most of it had been fairly good natured and was no worse than she’d expected; it wasn’t nice but she was able to deal with it, unfortunately that changed just before her 7 year term came to an end.
Her unit had been given some rare time off after the successful completion of a project to restore a road network, making travelling by vehicle other than a tank possible again between 2 key towns, giving the added benefit of facilitating the Red Cross effort in that area as medicines could now be transported by road.
Most of her unit had spent their time getting drunk and playing poker whereas Carrie had relished in some alone time and had spent the time in her bunk with a couple of bottles of beer and a good book.
She’d been asleep when her tent had been invaded by 6 masked men, all reeking of booze and slurring. The balaclavas didn’t hide their identity as she’d worked with these men too closely and for too long not to recognise their voices and physiques.
They had held her down and stripped her, taunting her about how they were going to ‘put her straight’, humiliating her by touching her as she fought to get free. It was almost as if they were offended by her lesbianism, as if by shunning men she was making a statement about ALL men that they felt they had to rectify.
They assaulted her pretty badly but had stopped short of actual rape, more by luck than judgement though; Carrie was convinced that if there hadn’t been voices outside her tent they would have followed through on her threats.
No fear she had for her situation in Afghanistan matched the fear that was produced by her own colleagues on that night but she kept her wits about her long enough to visit the Medical Officer, who was a woman, before standing under a shower trying to wash the experience from her mind, body and soul.
Her humiliation was complete when she complained to her Commanding Officer who was only interested in saving the unit’s reputation. She had been warned by the medical officer that this may happen so she had covertly recorded their conversations, keeping the evidence of how he had admitted that he knew about the attack, of how putting those “good soldiers” through court martial would serve no purpose, of how surely it would be better for her to leave at her 7 year review.
The recordings of the meetings and her copy of her medical notes would be enough to convict those involved but at the time she had been traumatised and getting the hell away and out of the army had seemed like the preferable option.
It had shaken her faith in humanity. You have to be a team in the army, you have to watch each other’s back and those she had trusted and relied on most had let her down badly.
Sue had sat silently as Carrie spoke, gentle tears of sympathy trickling down her face as Carrie bared her soul.
‘What about Jon, didn’t he help you?
‘He wasn’t there; he’d been working in another region on a different project. I heard through the grapevine that he’d found out about it and had taken some retribution on my behalf but I never got the chance to speak to him about it or thank him, I was planning on doing so next time he came home on leave.’
‘Oh my god Carrie, you’ve been through so much and you’ve kept it all bottled up, dealing with it alone for all this time’ and she took Carrie’s face into her hands, gently wiping the tears away with her thumbs before kissing her gently. ‘It wasn’t your fault honey; you need to stop punishing yourself’ and she kissed her once more.
Carrie felt a weird mixture of numbness and relief, Sue’s kiss providing comfort and somehow wiping away the shame she felt.
————————————————————————-
During the train journey back Carrie felt a lightness in her soul that she hadn’t felt for over a year. Her earlier thoughts that Sue’s and Jonno’s senses of humour were similar were reinforced and the two women laughed and joked all the way home, finding it easy to spend time in each other’s company and sneaking small kisses and caresses when they thought no one was looking.
On arriving back Carrie became quiet and reserved again, causing Sue to become concerned that the earlier events were taking hold again but she was wrong.
The confrontation at the service and the subsequent conversation with Sue had actually been cathartic and having broken out of the emotional shackles that had kept her alone for so long, Carrie was now already starting to shun her earlier recluse lifestyle and had enjoyed Sue’s company immensely. She was also very grateful for Sue allowing her to unburden herself and was starting to miss her before they’d even parted company.
As they got off the train they turned to each other, not really understanding where their relationship was but both knowing that they didn’t want this to be the end.
‘Are you ok Carrie, it’s been quite an emotional day?’ asked Sue gently, taking hold of one her hands in both of hers.
‘Yeah I’m ok, thanks to your support. Do you want to get some dinner or something?’ Sue was relieved but had a better idea
‘How about you come to mine and I make us something? We could open a nice bottle of wine, maybe snuggle up on the sofa and watch a video…….?’ It was obvious from Sue’s arched eyebrows and cheeky smile that there was more on offer and Carrie couldn’t help laughing as she pulled her close and kissed her.
As soon as they entered Sue’s house it was quite obvious that neither of them had food, wine or films on their mind. They both kicked off their shoes and came together in a fierce embrace that took their breath away, their lips seeking each other hungrily as their hands danced over the contours hidden by their clothes.
Sue pulled away and took Carrie’s hand, leading her upstairs to the comfort of her bedroom where they shed their clothes quickly and eagerly, needing to feel the closeness of skin on skin. They lay on the bed, their bodies pressed close and entwined as their passionate kisses enflamed them, their hands scorching paths across the soft skin that they caressed.
Carrie had been quite content to let Sue take the lead on their last encounter but now she was a different person, a more confident person and she was determined to indulge in her favourite past time. She loved the taste and feeling of a wet pussy in her mouth and she was determined to drink from Sue’s fountain.
She surprised Sue by rolling her onto her back and pinning her body to the bed with her own, Carrie’s smaller breasts pressed into the soft pillows of flesh below her, their nipples rubbing against each other and causing sparks.
She held Sue’s arms above her head as she kissed her face, mouth and jaw line, slipping around to her neck and ear lobes, biting softly and making her whimper with desire.
Moving down her body until she was face to face with those glorious globes, she took their weight in her hands and pressed them together, allowing her to drag her tongue over both nipples at once before sucking them deeply into her mouth individually, flicking them with her tongue as they became engorged, hard and swollen.
Tearing her mouth away from those wonderful treats, Carrie took over teasing her nipples with her fingers as she licked and kissed her way down and around Sue’s rib cage as she slid down into the V caused by Sue’s parted thighs.
She could feel the heat from Sue’s pussy against her chest as she moved lower still and couldn’t resist dragging her own turgid nipples over Sue’s clit as she kissed the sensitive skin of her tummy.
She kissed all around Sue’s mound and lapped at the ticklish skin at the juncture of her thigh and hip, making Sue squirm and squeal beneath her, the movement sending wafts of Sue’s aroused sex up into her nostrils and driving her on to her ultimate goal.
Sue was moaning loudly by this point and her own hands had taken over tweaking her nipples where Carrie’s had left off.
‘Please Carrie, pleeeeeaase!’ were the only words she could manage as she begged her lover to put her talented tongue where she craved it the most, her hips jerking of their own volition as Carrie’s tongue took a long swipe from the bottom of her soaked slit to the tip of her engorged clit.
She repeated this several times, smearing the delicious nectar that was flowing freely over the entire area, before taking the hard clit that was poking out from it’s sheath into her mouth and sucking gently as she wound her tongue around and around it, alternating soft gentle pressure with hard swipes, pulling the skin tight from above to keep the hypersensitive treat available to her lips and tongue.
She clung onto Sue’s hips as she moved her mouth down and speared Sue’s pussy, plunging in and out furiously, using her tongue like a small penis as her fingers continued to caress her clit, rolling it in gentle but firm circles.
She knew that Sue was close to coming so she replaced her mouth over her clit and sucked hard and deeply as she plunged 2 fingers deep inside her, crossing them and twisting them slightly to increase the sensation, beckoning with them as they plunged deeply to drag their tips against Sue’s G spot finally letting her lose control, her feral cries issuing forth into the night.
Carrie allowed her a moments grace before resuming licking her gently, slowly, tenderly, her hands caressing the soft skin of her thighs and belly, and it wasn’t long before she could sense Sue’s body responding once more.
She lifted Sue’s hips and placed her tongue squarely on her anus, lapping and circling as once again her fingers found their mark deep within her pussy. Sue gasped in surprise and pleasure and she felt Carrie’s tongue licking and probing at her most secret place, shock soon being replaced by feelings of intense pleasure as she felt the rigid tongue penetrate her slightly, sending her straight back into the stratosphere as her back arched off the bed and she screamed Carrie’s name.
————————————————————————-
Carrie did relent and wear her army uniform again but only when Sue asked her nicely and she never wore it outside of the house, in fact she never wore it outside of the bedroom.
Sue and Carrie both gave each other something valuable. Sue proved to be a permanent cure for the shame that Carrie had carried and they both provided a link to someone that was lost to them forever. Most of all they gave each other unconditional love and friendship.
They liked to think that Jonno would have approved of their union and even Sue’s mother had to come around to the idea when, a few months after their civil ceremony, they announced that she was to get the grand children she wanted after all; they all hoped the first would be a boy so they could call him Jonathon.
There are many clichés about dealing with the crap that life throws at us:
If life gives you lemons, don’t pull a sour face — make lemonade.
If life breaks your guitar strings, don’t stop playing, lust learn a different tune.
Etc etc yadda yadda
Sometimes though all we need to see us through life’s darkness is someone to give us a hug and tell us that it’s alright. Someone who helps us to forget about the past and allows us to believe in a future.