Loading...I’m falling through the sky. I’m not scared. Quite the opposite really. I know he will be there to catch me. He always is. He will catch me and wrap me tightly in his arms and I will feel safe and loved. I know he is smiling too. The most wonderful smile I have ever seen. I just haven’t seen it. I look up to the man’s face and it is a complete blur. I wake up and long for the feelings I just had. To be safe and loved.
I have had this dream every night for as long as I can remember. I allow myself to slip into this fantasy as often as I can when I’m awake as well just so I can latch on for a few fleeting seconds to the man who loves me. Oh, how I yearn to find him.
I used to think he could be anybody and in High School, I asked many a boy out on dates to give them a chance to prove they were. I did many things I am now not proud of so I could earn those feelings from them. I was naïve. In my dream, the man loves me unconditionally for who I am, not because of what I can give him. When I was a freshman, anybody I dated I compared to the dream. It wasn’t even close. I’m now a twenty year old sophomore in college studying psychology. I chose that major because of the dream. Why was I having it? Will I even find someone to care for me like that? I do not know.
“Ellie? Hello? Earth to Ellie?” I felt a hand waving in front of me.
I refocused my eyes to see Alan Connors in front of me. “Sorry Alan, I tend to let my thoughts wander when it’s dead in here.” I grabbed his first item, a gallon of milk, and rang it up.
“No apologies needed.” Alan shook his head. “Just thought you went catatonic.”
Alan was a nice man you just couldn’t help but feel sorry for. He’s the one customer I try to give my best smile in attempt to brighten his day. He started coming in the grocery store where I worked about a year ago. Like clockwork, he would come in at 10:30 at night every Monday. Since I worked until eleven those days, I always waited on him. He was attractive, early to mid-thirties, brown hair, and a pair of blue eyes that held a certain sadness to them. He still feels the pain from the loss of his wife. Brianna Connors, now she was a fun woman to be around. She came in during more normal hours, so I didn’t see her as much, but when I did, I always ended up laughing. Something funny happened to her every day and she couldn’t wait to share it.
I finished scanning the items. “That’ll be $33.42.” I gave him my smile. “Will that be cash or charge?” I knew the answer already. Alan always paid cash. He once commented that credit cards were for suckers and he only carried one for emergencies. Having maxed out a credit card of my own, I knew what he meant.
Alan opened up his wallet. “Damn.” He mumbled as he realized he didn’t have enough money. “I suppose I’ll have to use the card.”
Alan flipped over the plastic holding the pictures in his wallet to get to the credit card. The top one was of his wife, but when it flipped, there was a picture of a little girl and I froze.
“Ellie, are you okay? You look a little pale.” There was concern in Alan’s voice.
“Um, yeah.” I brushed a tendril of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. I swiped his card and handed it back to him. “See you next week.” I was barely audible.
Alan grabbed his bags. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
I tried to give him my smile. “I’m fine. Nothing eight hours of sleep won’t fix.”
Alan nodded slightly. “Feel better.” He then left.
After walking to my apartment, sleep couldn’t be found. And it wasn’t because my two roommates had the hard rock music on the radio cranked up. That never bothered me even though I’m a classical music and a good book type of girl. No. I was tossing and turning because of the picture of that child in Alan’s wallet. The picture of me. It was my kindergarten picture. I remember seeing it every time I looked at the pictures of my Mom and Dad in my Grandma’s picture album, fantasizing what it would be like if we were a family. When I was too young to remember, my father got life in prison with no chance of parole while my Mom overdosed on drugs, so I moved in with Grandma. Not that Grandma was any better. She only wanted me so she could collect money from the state. As soon as I went to college, which was unfortunately nearby, I moved into an apartment with a couple of friends just to get away. How did Alan get my picture?
Over the next week, I tried to convince myself over and over again that I was mistaken. It wasn’t really me. It couldn’t be. Could it? When I saw Alan again, it was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I didn’t even get a chance to see the picture as he paid cash. The cycle continued the next week as well.
After three weeks, I decided enough was enough. I was barely sleeping and I couldn’t concentrate in class.
“Hey Alan, how are you this week?” I gave him a nervous smile as I rang up his groceries.
“Not bad, and you?” Alan already was getting his wallet out.
“Good. Do you mind if I ask who the little girl in that picture in your wallet is?” I did my best to control the fidgeting my body was now experiencing.
Alan flipped over the plastic and gazed lovingly at the picture. “That’s my daughter Danielle.” His finger brushed over it and I can tell he was reliving a fond memory.
Danielle. That’s my name. I only go by Ellie now. I wanted to distance myself from everything my family was, and that included my name. “I didn’t know you had a child?”
“I don’t.” Alan took out two twenties and closed his wallet. “She’s someone my wife and I tried to adopt a long time ago, I don’t even remember what her last name was.” He grabbed his bags. “I’ll see you next week.”
Interesting. It didn’t even register that he was leaving. I pondered for a moment and then looked up. “Alan!” I chased him down to the automatic doors.
“Yes.” Alan turned to face me. “Did I forget something?”
“Um.” I really wanted to know more but didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Finally I just blurted out what I would’ve said to any man I would ask out. “Want to get dinner sometime?” I admit the words were right, but it wasn’t nearly as provocative as it should have been. It definitely screamed ‘desperate’ and all I really wanted was information.
Alan was caught completely by surprise. “Okay.” He drew out the word, unsure of what to make of my request. “What day is good for you?”
“Friday is the best day, but I work until six.” What am I getting myself into?
“I’ll pick you up here at six.” Alan gave a slight smile and a nod as he left.
The next five days were nerve racking. My emotions went from ‘he could have been my Dad’ to ‘I hope he’s not a serial killer’. Truth tends to be somewhere in the middle. It has to be, right?
Friday at six, I was in the employee restroom, staring at myself in the mirror. It occurred to me that I had no idea where we were going tonight. I was wearing black hip hugging jeans and a red short sleeve blouse. I hope I’m dressed correctly. I took a couple deep breaths.
“Ellie, are you back here?” My boss, Mr. Ford called into the back room.
“In the bathroom.” I answered without looking away from the mirror.
“Just letting you know there’s some man out here asking for you. Are you expecting someone?”
“Let him know I’ll be right there.” I took one more deep breath. “I can do this.”
I came to the front of the store and Alan stood there in a white button down shirt, with the top two buttons undone, with black slacks and black suit jacket. I was underdressed.
“These are for you.” Alan handed me a bouquet of yellow tulips. “Tulips mean you have a wonderful smile and I wanted you to know I enjoy yours every Monday night.”
I inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent. Other than a corsage on prom night, this is the first time I have received flowers from a man. “Do I need to go home and change? Am I dressed okay?”
“You look great, really. Anyways, we wouldn’t make our reservation if you did.” Did he say reservation? “You may have to forgive me; it’s been a while since I’ve been out on a …out with someone, so I may have over done it.”
“Nonsense.” I hooked my arm in his and smiled. “A girl likes to be spoiled.” We went to his car, an Infiniti and he held the door open for me, another first for me. It wasn’t supposed to be a date and I didn’t have the heart to set the record straight. Besides, he has already done more for me in ten minutes than any guy I’ve ever been out with. Flowers, reservations, and he didn’t show up in rags. Maybe I need a man, not a boy. Could Alan be the person from my dream? If so, do I mention the picture?
Dinner was amazing as we went to a restaurant that didn’t have prices on the menu. I don’t even know what I ordered, but it was delicious. Our conversations started with the typical let’s get to know each other questions like what do you do, he’s some sort of mathematics genius and what am I studying in school. I found out he was 32, making a twelve year age difference. Once we got past the usual, we really hit it off. We then made our way to the dance floor and stayed there for a few songs. He was so graceful on his feet. He spun me, dipped me, and moved my body to his liking. I felt like I was on one of those dancing shows. Afterwards, we went to an ice cream shop. Now he was overdressed. When we reached my apartment, he again opened the car door for me and walked me to my entrance e way. A girl can get used to this.
“I had a really great time tonight, thank you.” I gazed at him.
“It was a wonderful evening.” Alan slowly leaned in, put his hands on my hips, and kissed me.
The kiss was full of feeling. It spoke of passion without the sexual undertones. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. Every kiss prior, the guy was either nervous or overly aggressive; meaning all he wanted was to get laid. Alan’s was soft and sensuous. His kiss was also too short. Not really, but I would have stood there all week to hold on to that feeling.
“Goodnight.” Alan softly declared before leaving.
I leaned against the wall, unable move, not really wanting to, just basking in whatever it is I’m feeling. If my roommates weren’t home, I would’ve asked him in where we’d continue kissing and then go to my bedroom and…” I shuddered at the thought as the front door opened, disrupting my reverie.
“Girl, where do I get me one of them?” Tracy pulled me inside with a laugh. “Spill it, and don’t leave out any of the juicy details on Mr. Handsome, Rich, and Great Kisser.”
Every Monday, Alan would now bring me flowers. He would wait until I got off work and drive me home. Whatever day I had off on the weekend, we would go out. Museums, operas, the theatre, I loved that he was so cultured. And every night he would leave me panting on my doorstep.
The night of our last date, the man in my dream had a face. It was Alan who caught me and held me tight. It was Alan who was smiling at me. It was Alan that made me feel safe and secure. It was Alan who loved me. And I knew I loved him.
We were on the way back from the park. It was a warm Saturday for autumn and he had planned a picnic as we enjoyed the fall foliage. It was another wonderful date.
“I’m ready.” I said with a smile. “I’ve been ready for a while now.”
“Ready for what?” Alan glanced at me briefly before focusing on the road.
“To see your place.” I put my hand on his upper thigh. “There is no way we would have privacy at my apartment.”
As soon as we entered his house, I attacked him, barely giving him a chance to close the door. I was kissing him hard as my hands reached for his belt.
“Not so fast.” Alan halted all movement of my hands with his.
I looked at him confused.
Alan picked me up in his arms. “Patience is a virtue.”
As Alan carried me to his bedroom, my smile returned. He laid me gently on the bed and kissed me as he does when we are on my doorstep. I wrapped my arms around his neck, knowing this time I won’t be left with my fingers to satisfy myself.
“I didn’t think I could feel this way again.” Alan put his hand to my face and his thumb stroked my cheek. “I love you Ellie.”
“I love you too Alan.” I couldn’t help the teardrop that cascaded down my cheek.
Alan kissed me as he removed my clothes, including an expert one handed unhooking of my bra, an impressive achievement in and of itself. He slowly descended to my neck, his lips caressing every square inch. In between kisses, he was removing his own attire, taking his time, adding to my seduction. My hands went to his bare chest and my excitement grew. He continued to slither south and, to my surprise, he didn’t just attack my nipples. He massaged my breasts with one hand while continuing to lightly peck all around. By the time he did give my nubs attention, they were sticking out in full force, begging for his touch. With a small flick of his tongue, they received it and I shivered at the contact. Alan progressed down my body and spent what seemed to be an eternity around my pelvic region and my upper thighs. My breathing was labored and my hips were moving like a magnet toward his lips. I desperately wanted to be touched.
Alan placed one of his hands on my stomach, stopping my movements. “Patience is a virtue.” He then went back to foreplay.
A virtue? I did not feel virtuous right now. The only thing that prevented me from turning him on his back and impaling myself was the thought that I wanted this. I wanted someone who would love me and Alan was definitely loving my body. I’m not sure what caused my orgasm, the thrust of his tongue into my folds or the built up anticipation right before, but that is the equivalent of arguing which came first, the chicken or the egg and I didn’t care. I was beginning to come down when he then sucked my clit causing me to spasm as if I were having a seizure, prolonging my euphoria. I have never felt anything like it before and I was finished playing his game. I flipped him on his back and straddled him.
“I see you liked that.” Alan’s face and tone had a playful mischief about them.
I answered by sinking myself to the hilt on Alan’s shaft and I damn near exploded again; he had me so pent up. I drove up and down with a vengeance, perhaps my revenge would be to leave his dick raw, but really, I was just filled with unbridled lust. Between him spearing his pole upward and me pounding down, we were in perfect harmony, only I was screaming and he was grunting instead of singing. He released several more orgasms from my body before he erupted, causing my eyes to shut but still see fireworks exploding all around. With heavy breaths, fell atop his chest and he held me, the two of us still conjoined, not wanting to part. So this is how an experienced man makes love. My roommates will never date a college guy again when I tell them the joy Alan gave me.
I awoke the next morning, cuddled blissfully with Alan. After a few minutes, I carefully extricated myself from the bed. I didn’t want to, my bladder made me. Afterwards, I made a light breakfast for us to enjoy, eggs and bacon. I was astonished there wasn’t a coffee pot. I thought everyone drank coffee but the orange juice I found will suffice. I was heading to go wake up my new lover when I got side tracked looking at the pictures that were hung. I examined each one. Most were of Alan and Brianna in different stages of their life together. Their marriage photo looked like it came straight from a bridal magazine. I then came upon a picture of the three of us at a bookstore with Winnie the Pooh. This cemented it for me. I remember when I was a few years older than I was in the picture arguing with my Grandma that I indeed met Winnie the Pooh. She was adamant I never did and punished me for telling lies.
“You seem infatuated by that girl Ellie.” I jumped slightly as Alan wrapped his arms around me. “Good morning Sunshine.”
“Sunshine?” I melted into his arms.
“It’s your smile. More beautiful than a sunrise over an ocean.” Alan said sincerely and kissed the back of my neck. “If I ever see Danielle again, I’m going to have to thank her for her role in bringing you to me.”
“You already did.” I thought.
“What did you mean by that?” Alan replied.
Damn, did I say that aloud? Can I be any more stupid? “Um, nothing. I made breakfast, are you hungry?”
“Ellie, I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re not telling me something. Relationships have to be based on honesty and communication. If that is not possible…” Alan let his statement drift. I can see in his eyes that he did not want to finish that sentence.
“You’re right.” I looked toward the kitchen. “I’ll tell you over breakfast.”
We sat at the table, each with a plate, neither of us eating. “Before I explain, can you please tell me what you remember about her?”
Alan gave me an irritated look, but it dissipated to one of a slight smile as he sifted through the recollections he had. “Danielle was an energetic but kind girl. She loved Winnie the Pooh, though it came out as ‘Wimmie the Poop’. She liked books and, because of me, really got into sports. I would wear a baseball jersey when I watched the game and she was determined to wear one too. With Brianna’s help, she wore one of mine, tied in all different ways just so she wouldn’t fall down. She once told me the winning teams all won build a bears. It was adorable. Our favorite activity was when I would throw her in the air and catch her. She loved it.” Alan stared off in the distance at the memory.
I closed my eyes and pictured my dream. It was a reality. “So what happened to her?” My eyelids slowly lifted.
Alan’s head snapped back toward me. “Brianna and I were ready to have children, although she was twenty five and I was nineteen. However, we soon found we couldn’t so we tried being foster parents. Danielle was our first and after two years, we tried like hell to adopt her. Her Grandmother swooped in a week before the finalizing of the papers and said she would take her.” Alan shook his head. “She was a relative and received custody. After that episode, Brianna and I decided not to be foster parents anymore. It was too much heartache.” He took a deep breath. “Now I’ve answered your question, please answer mine. Why so intrigued?”
I felt bad for him to relive that pain, but I was grateful to know about my past. “I am Danielle.”
It took a moment to sink in as he stared blankly at first but then seemed to dissect every facial feature I have.
Alan stood. “Danielle.” He rushed to me and encompassed my body with his. “Danielle, it’s you.” He kissed me on top of the head, as a father would give a daughter.
I didn’t want this. Maybe before we started dating, but not now. “Alan.” I pushed him away slightly and forced him to look me in the eyes. “I’m not Danielle anymore. I’m Ellie and I love you.”
This may have shocked him more than my confession as thoughts of our consummation surely flowed through his mind. He appeared crestfallen. I couldn’t let that happen. I wanted him as my man, not a father. I lunged forward and kissed him. My arms were around his neck and I wasn’t letting go. A lifetime of moments passed and I was beginning to worry it all was over. I soon felt tentative hands grazing my back. I kissed harder and pulled tighter until finally his lips parted and I was in his full embrace.
“I thought I lost you there for a moment.” I said with a relieved smile as I finally broke the kiss.
“Almost Sunshine.” Alan lightly pecked my lips. “But I realized my feelings for you are greater than what a father daughter should be. I love you too Ellie.”
Since that day four years ago, I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if Alan and Brianna adopted me. Certainly, my childhood would’ve been better. However, I then wouldn’t have the man I love now. Would I exchange twelve bad years with my Grandmother for spending the rest of my life enthralled in a passionate love?
“Do you, Ellie, take Alan to be your lawfully wedded husband?” I heard the priest say.
“I do.”
“You may now kiss the bride.”
Alan kissed me as he always does; full of feeling. It spoke of passion without the sexual undertones.
I’ll take happily ever after.