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My Lady Grotesque at her Toilet

Category: Fetish
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istanbulnoir’s ‘good tastes’ warning: you know what people go to the toilet for…

It was my third visit to my Lady and we had just finished our first fuck of the afternoon and we sat smoking and drinking brandy together on her leopard skin covered sofa, when she asked me

‘How kinky are you?’

‘That depends on how you define kinky,’ I said.

‘Do you enjoy pain?’

‘No more than your little hearts can give,’ I replied.

She laughed and said

‘No, pain does not excite me either, but I like to dominate a little sometimes. Today I have a little something for you, and I am hoping that it will be something that you have not done before and, of course, something that you will enjoy.’

She had answered the door to me, when I had arrived an hour or so earlier, in very alluring red underwear. She had on a half cup bra and split crotch panties, with matching red sheer stocking that reached to her thighs. She was still dressed the same way now; there having been no need to take anything off.

Her face was daubed with heavy make up as usual. She wore thick powder and even thicker rouge; a very fetching pale green mascara, with hints of black around its edges, and lipstick that had been applied so heavily that she was going to paint my cock red when she gobbled me off.

She offered me another brandy, which I accepted. She took the bottle and poured each of us a generous measure.

‘I want some water,’ she said, ‘Are you thirsty too?’


She went to the kitchen and came back a few moments later carrying a large jug of cold water and two large tumblers. She sat down and poured each full to the brim.

‘I’m not that thirsty!’ I said.

‘Yes, you are, and anyway, it was not only a thirst for water that I was thinking of.’

I got her hint, though I tried not to let her see that I had.

This evening lady; I understood, Lady wanted to add some pissing games to our pleasures. For many people perhaps, piss, like Lady’s strangely alluring, old and worn body, is a specialized taste, and not one that appeals to them. However, I love watersports, and I have played some very nice piss games with a number of ladies during my adventures.

It is a fairly tame kink, but one that I have often hesitated to suggest to partners. It is something that a person loves and is thrilled by, or is disgusted at the mere thought of it. There is no middle way when it comes to bringing together the pleasures of the bedroom and the pleasures of the bathroom. That Lady was hinting at it, rather than asking me directly, confirmed my sense that it is something that one might be reticent about raising; though I was glad that she had, as the chance to indulge in games of watersports with her was very appealing.

To me, piss is just another precious and pleasurable liquid produced by the body; precious because it is produced by the body, and pleasurable because, produced by one body, it can give intense pleasure to another. And most of all I adore women’s bodies, and I adore everything that comes from them; and women’s piss most of all that I adore, and the sight of a piss spraying cunt is a work of art to my discerning eye.

However, I had yet to sample the pleasures of piss drinking, but if I can happily kiss Lady deeply and feel our saliva mingling on my tongue, and lick her pussy out and receive her juices; or even perform analingus on her fetid old arsehole, as I had at one of our earlier meetings; I can most definitely take delight at feeling her warm piss cascading into my mouth. There is always a new step to be taken; a new perversion to be experienced, and if the chance came to take it today; I would take it.

Lady would be pleased to find something that was new to me. I think it was because of my fucking her armpits the first time I was brought here. She had not had that done to her before. I had not done it to challenge her, and it had not occurred to me that this little fetish might be one that she had not met before. But I am sure that she liked it, because I noticed that when she reached for the brandy bottle just after I arrived, which was on a high shelf in the kitchen, she has been letting the hair in her armpits grow. She was, no doubt, dreaming up some new trick in which her newly hirsute pts would be used to great advantage.

I drank some of the water, and I drank it quickly.

‘There’s no need to guzzle it all down at once,’ she said, ‘you can take your time but drink at least two glasses.’

She lifted her glass and took a large gulp, and as the clear water ran from the glass into her mouth, I could not help but think of how her body would transform the water into golden wine; and of how in an hour or so that wine would rain over my chest and my cock. I wondered if she was thinking the same thoughts, and imagining my cock spraying her with warm streams of piss. I wondered which parts of her body she most enjoyed having it rain over.

She was always totally unself-conscious, and she sat in her chair with her legs spread wide apart, so that her fine and large cunt lips protruded rudely from the frame of the split of her crotchless sheer red panties. She leaned forward and put down her glass of water after swallowing down a half of it, took a cigarette and lit it and then held it between her lips while she picked up her brandy. She held the brandy glass between her opened legs, allowing the rim of the rim of the glass to brush over her vulva.

‘This should make it nice and warm,’ she said, ‘much more than my hand could.’

She tipped the glass towards herself and brandy spilled over her pussy. She lifted the glass to her lips and drank from the exact spot that she had been rubbing against herself.

‘I wonder if brandy flavoured cunt tastes good.’ She said, with a wicked look at me.

‘Your cunt always tastes good,’ I told her.

‘Come and have a taste.’

I got up and walked the couple of steps to her, knelt down between her open legs and she eased forward to meet me. I could smell the brandy on her cunt as my face came close to her, and I was wondering if brandy was the only drink that I was going to get from her cunt now. Lady’s piss I would lap up avidly, if that was what she was going to give me.

I reached out with my tongue and tasted the brandy on her piss flaps. I allowed my tongue to linger over them, enjoying the strong flavour of the brandy, laced with hints of Lady juice. When I had cleaned her lips of brandy I worked my tongue into her pussy and rolled it against her wet and slippery walls. As my tongue searched around her hole, seeking the sweeter and then the saltier spots, I felt a warm liquid running onto my face around my mouth. Was it? My tongue retreated from her pussy to discovery the taste. Was it lady’s golden wine? As I withdrew from her, the liquid ran over my tongue and I tasted it.

Brandy. I looked up and Lady was pouring brandy over my face and her pussy from the bottle.

‘You look surprised,’ She said, ‘what were you expecting?’

She laughed.

I moved away and sat down in the chair again. She came over to me and took hold of my cock and began to wank me. She leaned over me and stooping forward, she began to lick around my helmet, before sucking my cock into her mouth. The traces of brandy in her saliva made her mouth feel hot and my cock tingled as she sucked it in and out between her lascivious old lips.

She knelt down and laying her arms over my thighs, her hands holding my hips, her head began to move up and down with a steady rhythm. I watched intently as my cock disappeared and reappeared, as it went in and out of her mouth, and I saw her tongue flick out and dart over my helmet, like the tongue of some exotic reptile, each time her lips reached the head of my cock.

Her sucking slowed until she allowed my cock to pop out of her mouth, and she stood up. She stood before me and leaned forward and pushed my legs together. Her left leg swung up and over my lap onto the edge of the sofa beside my leg and she leaned back ever so slightly. Her hands slid down over her olive skinned body, making her heavy, hanging tits judder; and continued over the rolls of her stomach until her finger tips reached her vulva and pulled the lips wide apart. I looked up at her and her arms straight and tight against her body pushed her great tits upwards. She looked at me and said

‘Look at my lovely old cunt. In a moment it’s going to slide down on your cock. Your dirty old lady is going to fuck you until you die of it.’

She let her foot slide off of the sofa, and slip down to the floor and then she moved forward until she was standing directly over my cock. It was pointing straight up towards her heaven. She slowly squatted down and her cunt descended towards my aching knob. She reached down and her fingers encircled the base of my shaft to hold me steady. As her cunt lips came into contact with my helmet she peeled them open and slowly sat down. Her soft, warm cunt sucked my cock in greedily until lady’s arse came to rest on my legs. She sat there for a long moment and then she said

‘I’m going to take you all the way darling. My cunt is going too suck every drop of spunk out of your cock.’

With that declaration, she began her rise. Slowly, quickly, slowly, riding, grinding, circling; she had every move honed to perfection. Every now and then she would stop half way up my cock, and with the perfect control she had gained over her cunt muscles, she squeezed my cock until I thought it would be crushed under the pressure. The image of a tree trunk about to be reduced to a million matchsticks by a sawmill arrangement of great, roaring circular blades came to my mind, but such metaphors are nothing to the power of Lady’s cunt to give pleasures beyond the power of words to describe. For the first time in my life, I understood what the word ‘fuck’ really means.

Somehow my cock managed to withstand three or four minutes of this intense fucking, before firing shots of cum into the depths of her cunt.

It was a magnificent pleasure to come into her like that, but I was a little disappointed at having spent myself so quickly, for Lady had not yet cum and I did not want to disappoint her. She saw that something was bothering me and guessed what it was. She reassured me by saying

‘Don’t worry. I told you, I was going to fuck you. That was for you. This is for me.’

She slid up my cock and dismounted; stood and stepped back a pace and swung her leg back over me and rested her foot on the edge of the sofa again. She opened her magnificent cunt and waited until dribbles of spunk began to run down over her lips.

‘Lick it,’ she sighed, ‘lick your cum out of your old lady’s cunt.’

I sat up and buried my face in her crotch, licking the juices from her. The flavours of our mingled creams flooded over my tongue: a cocktail of brackish sperm and salty cunt juice. She pressed her twat hard against my mouth; making sure that I lapped up the lewd treat she was giving me to the very last drop.

When she had decided that I was finished, she pulled her cunt away from my face until it was six inches from my nose. I could still smell her. Her fingers reached down again and stretched her cunt open wider than ever. Her clit poked out and I wanted to reach forward and suck it, but I knew what was coming and I waited for it.

‘That salty drink will have made you thirsty; and your face needs a wash; and this will make you even thirstier,’ she said.

Another salty drink was next on the menu that Lady had prepared for today.

A little spray spurted out, and flew from her cunt in an arc of golden drops. They spattered onto my face. Then more came and more, until a full jet of warm golden Lady piss was shooting straight into my mouth. Golden piss drops danced on my tongue, and their divine flavours fizzed on my taste buds. My mouth quickly filled with Lady’s piss and I swallowed what I could, but it was flowing so fast that some gushed out of my mouth and poured down and soaked my chest, my stomach and my cock. Than lady moved backwards, so that the jet of her fresh falling piss sprayed over the piss that had overflowed from my mouth, until her rain was falling directly onto my tool. After what seemed an age, the shower subsided, and finally stopped, and lady bent knelt before me and plunged her head forward and took my cock into her mouth and sucked and licked all of her piss off of it.

When my cock had been sucked cleaned, she stopped and moving her head upwards, and running her tongue up over my stomach and chest, and lapped up her piss as she went, until her face was level with mine and she rained kisses all over my face and my mouth, savouring every last drop of her golden champagne.

‘Now it’s your turn to clean me,’ she said, and with that pushed me back on the sofa, positioned herself over me and squatted until her cunt lips were tickling my face. Lustily I licked piss drips from her twat lips until I found her pee hole and bored at it with the tip of my tongue. She squealed and another little jet came pissing out and ran all over my tongue.

So I had had my first taste of piss. What a fine little something my Lady had given me.

We sat down, she opposite me, and as always with her legs spread and her cunt wantonly on display.

‘Was that your first drink of piss?’ she asked me.

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I have played piss games before but I have never had it in my mouth until now.’

‘And you let me piss in your mouth, and you drank me.’

She looked pleased as she said it.

‘I think I would let you do anything,’ I said.

‘We will see,’ she said, and smiled, knowingly.

‘Don’t you need to go yet?’ she asked.

‘A little,’ I replied.

With that she sat up and reached for the jug of water and the two tumblers. She told me to drink the rest of the water that was left in my glass, and as I gulped it down she poured herself another full glass, and when I had finished, she took my glass too, and filled it full again.

‘No half measures with me,’ she said as she handed me the glass, and this time there was no perhaps about the knowing look she gave me.

She sat down again, legs apart, and her hand slipped down to her crotch, and her fingers began to slither all over her juicy cunt lips. She stopped moving her hand and then took one of her labia between her fingertips and pulled it.

‘Do you think I have nice pussy lips?’ she asked.

A reflex compliment would annoy her, so I said

‘I always adore large labia, and yours are large.’

She released her stretched lip and rubbed her fingertip in her hole. She raised her finger to her mouth and popped it in.

‘Every woman loves the taste of her own pussy,’ she said, and added with a little chuckle, ‘just as every man loves the smell of his own farts.’

‘Men can’t taste their own cocks, except for the rare contortionists who can suck themselves off,’ I said.

‘I saw a man do that to himself once,’ she said absently. ‘It did not do much for me,’ she continued; ‘and it made me a bit worried; I mean; if all men could give themselves blow jobs, they would soon decide that they did not need women anymore.’

Looking at her, I doubted it.

‘Do women like the smell of their farts?’

‘Some do, I expect, and so do some men.’

She looked at me deeply as she made her last remark, and then added

‘And some women like to fart for the men who like women’s farts.’

As she said it she reached down, and I thought for a moment that her finger was going for her arse, but it stopped at her pussy. She rubbed the finger around her pee hole and then raised it to her mouth and poked out her tongue and licked it.

‘My pussy still tastes a little of my piss,’ she said.

We sat silently for a minute or two, perfectly relaxed, and the memory of her pee gushing from her pussy into my mouth floated across my mind. Then I began to wonder if erotic farting was another of her pleasures. If she had it in mind to add that to the afternoon’s menu, she would have found another thing that I had not before experienced, and I asked myself: would I like to inhale her farts? I did not know. Would I resist, if she wanted me to? I did not know that either.

She brought me back by saying

‘So today I found something that you had not done before. You had never had a woman piss into your mouth.’

Her eyes sparkled as she said it.

‘Watersports is one of my very favourite fetishes,’ she continued: ‘there’s just something so deliciously naughty about it; and so intimate.’

As always, her description was just right.

Noticing that I had not begun to drink the second glass of water she had poured for me, she said

‘And I like to receive as well as to give. Drink it, and hold it until you are going to burst.’

Then she began to chat about her fetish and she told me of a swingers party that she had gone to with her husband, years before, where everyone pissed all over everyone else, and where, as she put it,

‘I was the toilet and I laid on the tiled floor of the bathroom and fifteen men and women pissed all over me. But I got my revenge later in the evening.’

‘How?’ I asked her.

She looked and raised her eyebrows gently.

I looked in wonder at this bizarre and voluptuous and irresistible woman. Her fleshy and wrinkling body, her extravagant and grotesque make up and her endless collection of very expensive, cheap whore outfits. I wondered what other stories she could tell, and thought of how many more than a thousand and one nights it would take her to tell them.

We sat silently again and I continued to admire her; my eyes roving over made up face and her gorgeously sagging tits; her fabulous stomach, her fleshy thighs and her splayed cunt.

‘Do you want to have anal sex today? I do,’ she said.

‘Yes,’ I said. What else would I say to such a question from Lady?

‘You did it very well last time. Nice and firm, but not aggressive. A lady’s bottom is a delicate thing,’ she said. She paused a moment and the she went on

‘I had an orgasm. It takes a man who really knows how to pleasure my arse to give me an orgasm through anal sex.’

‘I thought it was your fingers that did that,’ I said.

‘Don’t underestimate yourself. My fingers helped a little, but I only played with myself because your arse fucking was so good. It was the way your cock in my arse made me feel that made me cum. You really turned me on. You really turn me on. You are good.’

Coming from a queen of erotic pleasures like her, this was high praise.

‘Today, before you give me anal sex, we will have to prepare my arse for you. It is a very special ritual.’

She gave me an enigmatic look as she said it.

I noticed that she was staring at my cock, the way I so often stared at her.

‘You have a lovely cock,’ she said, ‘nice and big, but not too big; and it always seems to be hard.’

‘That’s because of you,’ I told her.

‘You really are one of those younger men who loves older ladies, aren’t you?’

‘Yes,’ I replied.

‘I knew after our first meeting that you were a young man I could indulge myself fully with,’ she said, and continued: ‘I like to think of myself as attractive, and I know that I am to some, as I never go short of sex. But I am not conventionally beautiful anymore, though perhaps I was when I was younger. It is a perverse taste for you to desire me. That is how I knew that you would have other perverse tastes. And what you did to my armpits that first time was wonderful, because I had never done that before.’

Saying this, she lifted up her arm to show me the short hairs that had sprouted there since I had rubbed my cock in them. These hairs in her armpit made a delicious contrast with her smooth shaved pussy, and the incongruence of it suited her.

‘Would you wank yourself off for me now?’

‘Of course,’ I told her.

The sight of her newly hirsute pits clashing with her stone smooth bronze gleaming cunt made me want to anyway, and to wank off for Lady’s delectation would anyway be a great pleasure.

‘We must keep you hard until you are ready to piss for me,’ she said, ‘And the best way to make sure that a man will want to piss, and to stop him from doing it to soon, is to keep his cock hard.’

She came and knelt on the floor close to me. I took my close in my hand and slowly began to roll my foreskin up and down over my helmet.

I love to see your fingers all over your cock,’ she sighed, as she watched the purple bulb of my helmet slowly reappear and again disappear under my foreskin.

‘Stroke your balls with your other hand,’ she told me, and obeying her, I reached down and began to fondle each one as they hung loose in their sack.

‘Now stroke your pee hole,’ she said.

With the hand that had been stroking my balls, I held the base of my shaft to keep my foreskin fully pulled back, and brushed a fingertip of the other hand over the tip of my cock.

‘Gently,’ she said.

She stared at my finger running over my pee hole and around my helmet.

‘Mmmmmm,’ she sighed, ‘you have such a beautiful cock.’

She watched me stroke myself for some minutes and then she said

‘Are you ready to pee yet?’

I was, and I think that if my cock had not been erect, I would have been wetting myself by now.

‘Yes,’ I told her.

Ok,’ she said, let’s go to the bathroom.’

I stood and she took hold of my cock and led me by it to her bathroom.

‘Watersports are deliciously naughty; and so intimate,’ she said again, as if to herself; and then she said to me, ‘but in the toilet they are utterly filthy.’

I was buzzing with anticipation as she led me to the toilet. I was desperate to celebrate the glory of her used and worn body by anointing it with my piss; and more desperate still to imbibe more of her fine vintage champagne.

We arrived and she lifted the lid of the toilet and sat down, her legs either side of the bowl; and she leaned back and rested against the cistern, so that her pussy protruded from between her thighs.

The bathroom fittings were all shiny black porcelain and the tiles on the walls and the floor were dark red.

She stood me in front of her and said

‘Do you think you can cum again first?’

I told her that I could, although my loins were tingling with the urge to piss.

She pulled me towards her and sucked my tool into her mouth. Fast and furious she gobbled me, as if to get the spunk as fast as she could; but that was only to be an appetizer. She had had me drink hers; I wondered if she would drink mine, or if she wanted it over her body, or both. The anticipation heightened the sensations in me and I quickly bucked and spurted spunk into her mouth. She pulled away from my spurting cock and looked up at me. She opened her mouth to show me my cum, which sat in a pool on her tongue. Then she leaned forward again and pursing her lips, let it drool out and fall onto her tits. She rubbed it into them and then what was left on her fingers, she smeared over her face. Then she drooled again and this time it was her own saliva; and catching it with her fingers as it fell, she rubbed it over my cock and balls.

My cock softened and I was ready to burst. Where would she want it? I silently prayed that she would drink me, as I had drunk her.

She pulled me towards her again and took just my helmet into her mouth and gently held the rim of helmet and foreskin with her teeth. I was at an angle to her and I could see the other side of her mouth open, as her teeth softly bit my cock to hold it in place.

She did not need to tell me what to do. I just relaxed myself and let go. My piss spurted from my cock into her mouth. She did not flinch and I watched as, when her mouth was filled with the golden liquid, it began to pour out between her lips and over her tits, and over her stomach and down over her pussy. At the moment the piss hit her, her hand shot down to her pussy and she began to masturbate furiously. She rubbed her cunt as the piss flowed into her mouth and then flowed out again and poured over her body.

So desperate had I been to go, the jet of piss kept flowing for almost a minute, and the whole time I watched her face and my piss gushing out of her mouth. The jet weakened until it was just a dribble and I saw her swallow deeply. Then she cried out and wanked her cunt even faster until she came.

She was drenched in piss and she slumped on the toilet seat and did not move for a minute or so. Then she looked at herself with delight, and then looked up and purred

‘That was fucking fantastic! Now, go and pour me a brandy.’

I went back to the living room and poured her drink for her and waited for her to come. She did not appear and she called me and told me to come back to the bathroom. I had thought that we were finished in there, and I was ready to rest, but it seemed she was not. She was still sitting on the toilet, when I got back, just as I had left her, but as I stood there in the bathroom looking at her a little quizzically, she placed her right hand against the wall and swung her left leg up and let it her foot rest on the toilet seat. Then she reached for the rim of the sink with her left hand, and leaned there for support as she raised her other leg up on the seat of her throne.

Leaning back more heavily now against the black cistern; she squatted there with her open pussy facing outwards and her puckering sphincter pointing down towards the pan.

‘Sit down on the floor in front of me,’ she said.

I did as she told me and sat in front of her, my face almost over the front of the toilet seat, and gazed intently at her private parts, in this most private and intimate of places.

‘Do you know what I am going to do?’ she asked.

‘I think so.’

‘It’s ok for you?’


‘This is my rarest and darkest pleasure,’ she told me. ‘Only a very few times have I disclosed this secret. But with you, I will share it, my lovely adventurer.’

I had not expected this, even in my wildest thoughts. But by now I was too absorbed by the moment to be shocked. It merely seemed natural and inevitable.

She had mesmerized me.

I watched as her lower body tensed with her gentle straining. Ecstasy was in her face.

‘What is more intimate than you watching me now and the revelation of this mystery?

Other perversions might offer pleasures knowable only to a few, but this seemed to me now an intimacy beyond intimacy, and a dark sin. The sense bound me to her and she saw that I had understood.

‘You are me and I am you,’ she said.

She squeezed harder.

‘Just watch’ she said.

She squeezed more and a fart rasped out of her arse. Impulse took me and I closed my eyes and leaned forward to inhale it. I felt as if I was breathing in her essence. Without looking she knew what I was doing and in the knowledge of it, she thrilled. As the sweetly noxious air billowed outwards, and my head moved backwards in order to continue to savour it, a jet of warm liquid hit my face. Instinctively now I opened my mouth and adjusted the angle of my face and her piss squirted to the back of my throat. I did not move until her bladder was spent. Then I sat back to watch.

She strained again and her ring began to ease open and a brown head slipped down into view. She pushed and the fudge slid out slowly and silently until six inches hung from her sphincter and curved slightly to the left. It was a perfect turd; darkest brown, sleek and firm. Its girth stretched her ring wide. Deeply pungent and with strange hints of rich fruits, its smell hit my nostrils, and a smell that in every moment before this one would have disgusted me, was now exquisite, because it came from deeper within her than my cock could ever reach.

She held it there for as long as she could and in the moment before its tail slipped out and left her body, her rapture and mine were complete.

She continued to squat for a long moment and a little more piss leaked from her cunt. Then she opened her eyes and reached and tore a sheet of toilet paper from the roll to her side and handed it to me.

‘Wipe me’ she said.

I wiped the residues of her shit from her sphincter and the area of skin around it, and dropped the paper into the pan. She got down from the toilet and took more tissue and wet some of it.

‘Come back to the bedroom.’ She said.

She was on all fours on the bed, like a dog, and she told me to clean her. I wiped her again with the wet tissue and dabbed away the dampness with the dry one.

She took a cigarette from the pack on the bed and lit it. She pulled deeply and as she exhaled she said ‘now darling it’s ready. Fuck Divina’s arsehole with your gorgeous cock.’

I was already in position and I reached for her wet cunt and took her slime from the lips and coated my cock with it. I held my cock so that its head was embedded in her ring and pushed. It went in easily and in one push my knob was buried deep in Divina’s arsehole. I fucked her arse with long, deliberate strokes, almost wholly withdrawing and then sliding all the way back in again. Her hand was between her legs and her fingers rubbed her cunt ferociously. She became increasingly vocal and a stream of exquisite obscenities flowed from her mouth.

‘Slide you cock into Queen Divina’s palace of shit,’ she screamed.

She cried out as she came and the sound of her cry tipped me over the precipice and my cock pumped spunk into the depths of her arsehole.

I did not move for some time after spurting into her arse, and I felt her rectal canal twitching and pulsing around my cock, and the soft velvet flesh of her inner arsehole kissing and caressing my shaft. Slowly, my cock became flaccid and slid out of her. I fell backwards; ready to rest, but she was not finished yet. I felt her warm mouth descend around my cock and she sucked me off. After a few minutes of this very special and very dirty blow job, she looked up smiling and said

‘All women love the taste of themselves, and I can taste my shit on your cock.’ And with that she returned to her cock sucking.

She was at a right angle to me and I tapped her thigh to indicate to her that I wanted to sixty nine. She understood and without removing her mouth from my cock, swung herself round until her knees were resting on either side of my face and lowered her privates towards me. I looked at her cunt, but it was her arse that I craved. I wanted to savour the same flavours that she was enjoying from my cock.

Her arsehole was still open and I slid my tongue in, tasting her darkness and inhaling its exotic perfumes.

We ate each other for half an hour or more, until we were sated; for now..

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