For a moment Yanik fought for control, Nathan had backed up, trying to get away from the onslaught, until he was up against the wall and had nowhere else to go.
“Did you think I’d knock you back too? Or maybe you make a habit of lying to those you sleep with. That’s what hurts the most, the lying. You really had me fooled, Nathan, I thought, maybe, I had finally …” he trailed off, suddenly realizing where the words would take him. “Oh, just go to hell, Nathan, go to fucking hell and stay there.”
His departure was as sudden as his arrival. He swept out of the room, slammed the front door, and left Nathan distraught and sobbing in his wake
Most of the people Yanik worked with knew his sexual preferences; they had also known how happy he seemed with the new man in his life. Those who had been at his barbeque had seen the relationship on home ground, seen how the two men complimented each other, blossomed when they stood together, and all were amazed when Yanik came in on the following Monday obviously distraught and disappeared into his office without a word.
Everyone Yanik looked at he was sure had known about Nathan. He felt a fool, someone who had been ridiculed behind their back, been laughed at, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with that. He also felt emotionally drained. He had loved Nathan, had been wondering whether there was some way they could live together and still carry on their individual jobs. Jobs, that was a laugh. When Yanik had returned home from his emotional visit to Nathan’s house he’d looked him up on the Internet. Nathaniel Long, as it said on the DVD cover, had a litany of films to his name, all of them X rated and none of them more than four or five years old.
The betrayal seemed to hang over him like a shroud. Everyone knew something was up, knew it had to do with Nathan, but no one was close enough to him to ask or offer help. He concentrated on his work, made sure no one could accuse him of letting anyone down, and then went home, ate, slept, ate again and went back to work. For a month, apart from a few trips to the gym, that was how he spent his life until, after waking from the same nightmare for the third night running, Yan knew he had to do something.
Ever since he had confronted Nathan the young man had been appearing in his dreams. Sometimes he was loving and kind, just as he had always been, in others he was a stranger, someone, with or without a face, who passed him on the street or sat next to him in a bar. He always knew it was Nathan, even when the persona was totally different to how he had actually been. Gradually though the movie side of Nathan’s past had begun to creep into the dreams and now, each time Yanik fell asleep, it was he who was the movie star, he who did all the things he had seen on the internet and he enjoyed it all. He partnered Nathan, they would be in a park, a train, his own home but, just as he was about to cum, someone would shout ‘cut’ and he would wake up shaking and crying.
He had taken a morning off to try and find a local shrink who could see him fairly quickly and had been pleased to locate one only five minutes from his office. He began going to see him twice a week at eight in the morning, which meant no one from work knew anything about it, and he didn’t have to use up any holiday.
The first two sessions had been taken up with generalities but, as he sat in the pleasantly situated suite of rooms for the third time, his therapist, Jack Rowland, began pressing him a little harder.
“So, can you tell me yet what it was that finally made you decide you needed to see a psychiatrist?” Jack was tall at six feet two inches, roughly Yan’s age, and married with two children, pictures of whom were on the walls in ornate frames.
“I have some things I need to get into perspective so I can move on with my life.”
“Hmmm, that was a very neutral answer.” Jack’s face was also neutral, he made a quick note on the pad he held on his lap and then waited a moment before speaking again.
“We’ve talked about your occupation, what you do, who you work for and with. From what I’ve learnt and observed, I don’t see any problems there. What we haven’t really covered is your social life. I know you’re not married, you told me you were gay, and that was it, closed book. So I’m going to assume, until you tell me otherwise, that the problems lie there. Am I right?”
Again the room was silent but then Yan nodded. It was difficult to talk about but this was what he had come for, to talk about Nathan and how what he had done to him made him feel.
“I split up with my boyfriend about a month ago. It wasn’t amicable, we haven’t spoken since.”
“Ok, who made the break?”
“He … I … found … he lied to me.”
“If you broke up with him over it, it must have been a pretty big lie.”
“Oh yeah!” Yanik’s face flushed with emotion and Jack saw the anger glint in the eyes of his patient.
“Tell me; this is what you’re paying me for, what you came for, so, at whatever speed you want, tell me.” Jack’s voice was soft, encouraging and, after taking a drink from the glass of water at his side, Yanik did as he had been told.
“I met Nathan, his name is Nathan, I met him at a hotel, we … well, we sort of picked each other up. It’s a cliché to say I’d never done it before, but I hadn’t, and I believed him when he said he hadn’t either.” Yanik paused for a moment, running his hand through his hair before continuing. “The … the sex was wonderful, we fitted together so well, or I thought we did. I had to leave the following morning but, he stayed the night in my hotel room, I dropped him home and we started dating.”
“When was this?” Jack was taking notes as he listened and a tape was recording Yanik’s every word.
“January. Nine months ago now.”
Jack just nodded. He didn’t want to interrupt, but he’d needed a timeline to work from.
“Everything was wonderful, we spent almost every weekend together and sometimes we met up in the week as well. You know where I work, well, Nathan told me his job was in the film industry and sometimes he had to go away for business, Amsterdam mostly, and then we would be apart for about four days each time. I … I missed him so much and I, he told me he missed me too. At the end of July I had a barbeque for my birthday. Loads of people came, some stayed the entire time, and others popped in. My ex-boyfriend, Colin, was there. He … well, he seemed taken with Nathan.”
“Did that worry you?” Jack had been watching body language and he could see Yan was beginning to fidget, to become uncomfortable with what he was saying.
“No, he has a new partner too. We’re still friends, just not lovers any more.”
“Ok. Go on. You will feel better when you share this, trust me.”
Yanik nodded his head, he had a feeling his therapist was right; he just wasn’t sure how to explain his shame.
“Nathan got wine spilt on him at the party; he took his t-shirt off before going in to shower and change. He had, has, a tattoo on his back, across his shoulders, Celtic, dark blue with a red outline. I commented on it … I … I thought it was hot, but I told Colin I wouldn’t be brave enough to have one myself. He wandered off, and I forgot all about it.
“Then, about a week later, Colin came to visit.” Yanik was talking fast now and Jack was glad for the tape recorder. He was used to client’s blurting out their problems, forgetting to breathe, sobbing, talking slowly and hesitantly. All sorts of tactics to deal with the effort of finally spilling the beans.
“He … it was awkward, it’s never been awkward between us, not even when we were splitting up, and he left me a package, told me he didn’t want to hurt me, that he loved me and then he left.”
Yanik gulped another mouthful of water. He could feel tears prick his eyes and he knew he wouldn’t get through this without crying. The hurt, the humiliation, the anger, were all there, so close to the surface and he had to will himself to carry on.
“It was a DVD, a porno DVD, what they call ‘bi’, men and women together, but two men, one woman. One …” He closed his eyes and a tear rolled down his cheek. Ignoring it Yanik began again. “One of the men was Nathan.
“At first I didn’t recognize him. His hair, Nathan’s hair is short, like buzz cut short, but this guy, he had long blond hair, almost as long as mine.” His hand went through it, unconsciously pushing it back behind his ear. “But then,” his voice was hushed now, tentative, as he continued. “They showed him from the back … the tattoo, right there was the tattoo. I knew … I’ve, oh, God, I’ve kissed that tattoo, traced the shapes, it was him, I knew it was him. I saw his eyes, then his mouth, his … I knew it was him, he wasn’t in the film industry, he was a porn star, he … he had sex for money, and I hadn’t known anything about it.”
Jack watched, as Yanik seemed to slump in the chair, and knew he had finished talking and took the initiative for a moment.
“So, what did you do about this?”
“Nothing, for about half an hour, then I went and confronted him.”
“What did he say?”
Yanik thought for a moment. What had Nathan said? He thought back to their last meeting, to the way he’d forced himself into his ex-lover’s home, harangued him and then left. A blush of embarrassment coloured his face as finally he spoke again.
“Nothing; I didn’t let him say anything.”
“He said nothing at all?”
“Something like ‘Yan, please’ but I wasn’t in the mood to listen.”
“What do you want me to say to you, Yanik?” Jack looked at the young man before him, he knew he was just over a year older and wondered for a moment how he would have dealt with his wife lying to him about something like this. “I can’t tell you if what you did was right or wrong, only you know that. You didn’t break any laws, but Nathan didn’t either. He was economical with the truth and you couldn’t handle it. Now you’ve shared it with someone that could be it, over and done with, but somehow I don’t think it’s finished for you, is it?”
“No.” Yan looked down at his hands. It was true, he hadn’t given Nathan a chance to explain things, hadn’t even thought about his side of the story, just how hurt he’d been, how hard done by.
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes.” The word was more of a sob than a proper answer. “Yes, I do, but … how do I live with someone, make love to someone, who does that for a living? How do I know he’s not just reciting lines, that it’s not all same old, same old? I thought we had something special; I … I love him so much …” the words disappeared as finally Yanik let himself break down. Jack handed over a small pile of tissues he’d had ready, and then sat back, concentrating on his notes so his client wouldn’t feel too observed.
“I’m sorry.” Yan looked up, his eyes were red, his chin still wobbled a little, but Jack could see he was pulling himself back together.
“It’s not a problem.”
“It doesn’t answer my questions though, does it?”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“So, how do I tell?”
“Maybe you ask him.”
The silence descended again, Jack knew Yanik was thinking hard; he had a feeling, so hurt had he been, the accountant had only been able to focus on himself. Now, for the first time, he was seeing things, at least slightly, from Nathan’s point of view.
“It wasn’t just one film you know. He has a stage name and everything, he’s done lots of them.”
“Does that really make any difference? If he’d said to you, but I only made one film, would that have changed anything?”
Yanik shook his head. The answer was obvious, and so was his course of action, it would just take a type of courage he didn’t know if he possessed.
Two days after his consultation with Jack, Yanik’s immediate superior, Tom, requested a meeting with him. He had received an internal letter from his colleague asking that someone else attend the Green Accounting conference that was due to take place the following week. Yanik had organized a lot of it, more than he had in the January, and was considered an expert in the field.
“Yan, I’m really sorry to do this to you.” Tom began to speak as soon as the door was shut but Yan sat down before answering him.
“I can’t replace you at the conference, you’re our specialist, it has to be you, I’m sorry, but you are going.
“No, Tom, no, I can’t.”
“If there was someone else I could send in your place you know I would. We are a national leader in this area and get very good clients from these seminars, as your mid year bonus showed.”
“Tom, you know why I don’t want to go back. I’ve tried very hard not to let it affect my work, but …” his voice trailed off as it began to waiver. The outpouring of emotions with Jack was still fresh in his mind and Yan wanted to turn and leave.
“Yes, I know that, and I’m very grateful. This is one of our big events of the year though, we’re expanding our involvement in GA all the time, and I need you there. No arguments.” The tone of voice was firm and Yanik knew nothing would be gained from trying to dispute it any further. Instead he ran a hand through his hair before speaking quietly.
“That’s your final word on the subject?” Yanik saw his boss nod and stood up. “I’ll make arrangements to leave this time next week.” He said nothing more but turned, left the room and went back to his own office. Ten minutes later he put a call through to Tom and requested the week following the conference off as holiday. It was agreed without hesitation and then Yanik packed up his desk and went home.
The hotel looked exactly as it had the previous time Yan had stayed there. He had been relieved to find his room was in the opposite wing to his first visit and quickly unpacked his suits and shirts so they wouldn’t get too crumpled. He was due at a meet and greet buffet in just over an hour and so, lying down on the bed, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep for a while.
Some of the clients were the same as in the January. Yanik chatted to them before introducing himself to most of the people he didn’t recognize. The relaxed buffet was held just off the bar area and Yan found himself continually looking in, trying to see if Nathan was there. Finally, after about an hour, he asked to be excused and headed out of the hotel, needing some fresh air.
His heart led him where his mind didn’t really want to go and five minutes later Yanik found himself in the street where Nathan lived. The lights were shining in the front window of the small townhouse he hadn’t seen in over a month and, with a suddenly dry mouth, he strode up the path and knocked on the door before his courage failed him.
“Y … Yan!” Nathan stood and stared. The last month had been desperately hard for him; many, many times he had picked up the phone, only to replace the receiver without dialling. He’d written countless letters all of them ending up in the bin, shredded into tiny pieces. Now, just as he was beginning to accept that their relationship was over, Yanik was standing in front of him.
“Can I come in?” Yan’s voice was devoid of all feeling. It was the only way he could deal with the emotions swirling around inside him.
“Um, yeah, sure, sorry.” Nathan stood back and let Yan in; he closed the door and followed the taller man towards the living room. A young man stood up as the two of them entered.
“This … this is my brother, Harry. Harry, this is Yanik Fitzgerald.”
“Really.” The one word was hard and laced with an anger it was impossible to miss. “Do you want me to stay, Nate?”
“No, no it’s fine. I can handle it. Call me though, ok?” The two men hugged and then, after giving his brother a friendly squeeze on the shoulder, Harry left the room, but not before a look, which should have had Yan withering before him, was glared in his direction.
The two men waited until the front door closed and then Yan ran a hand through his hair before beginning to speak, his words practised over and over on the short walk to Nathan’s house.
“I’ll make this quick, I don’t want to intrude. I was wrong in the way I confronted you and I’m sorry. I hope your life will be happy.” Yan turned, his heart thumping in his chest, tears threatening to fall, as his hands clenched into fists, but stopped when he felt a touch on his arm.
“Yan, please. Don’t go. Let me explain, just give me a few minutes of your time.”
Yanik nodded his head, not trusting himself to speak.
“Sit down, can I get you anything? Wine, beer, coffee?”
“No, I’m good, thanks.” He was anything but ‘good’, but knew Nathan would understand what he meant. He’d always seemed to do that. Yanik closed his mind to the things he’d shared with his companion. He needed to remain detached, focused on his own future, not the past they’d had together.
“I knew I should have told you, explained what I actually did in the film industry, but the longer I left it, it just got more and more difficult to know where to start. I’m sorry.” There were tears on Nathan’s cheeks but he made no move to try and hide them. “I’ve lost lovers before, by being truthful I mean. I knew right away I didn’t want to lose you, and when … when you didn’t seem to recognize me I thought I could keep it a secret. How did you find out? I know you don’t usually watch porn.”
“No, I don’t, I did sometimes with Colin, not often, but when we … well, that doesn’t matter. It was Colin, he recognized you.”
“Oh. And he just couldn’t wait to rush round and tell you, I’ll bet.” Nathan’s eyes flashed with anger. He felt betrayed all over again.
“No, it wasn’t like that.” Yan rose to his feet as he went to his ex-lover’s defence. “He knew at the party, when he saw your tattoo, but said nothing. I only found out about an hour before I confronted you. He didn’t want me to be hurt, but he knew I had no idea and thought I should have.”
“I’m glad you know. At least I got dumped for the usual reason and not because you had found someone else, or had gotten fed up with me.”
“I loved you, Nathan, I still love you, but … God, Nate, you have sex for money and then people pay to see you get off, how am I supposed to deal with that? What does that make me? If you buy me anything, well, I … how can I accept it when I know where you got the cash?” Yanik ran his hands into his hair, both of them and, so great was his anguish, they stayed there, fingers grasping hard at the tresses as he pulled at them, glad of the pain he was causing as it distracted him slightly.
“I don’t know what to say, Yan, I …” The sound of a cell phone ringing shattered the scene like a hammer against glass. Yan fumbled in his pocket, looked at the caller I.D. and then spoke.
“Fitzgerald. No, I just stepped out for some air. I’m on my way back now. Thank you, no, that’s fine, I appreciate it … yes, bye.” He flipped his phone shut and looked into Nathan’s blue eyes, seeing the tears, the apprehension, the love, and his heart melted, just a little.
“I … I have to go, duty calls.”
“Yan, no, please, we need to talk, I need to talk.”
For a moment Yanik thought and then nodded.
“I have to get back, I have clients asking where I am. I’m here ’til Friday. We could meet then.”
A tear slipped down Nathan’s face as he shook his head.
“I have to … I’ll be in Amsterdam, I’m sorry. Can I call you?”
Yan nodded, he knew what it meant now when Nathan had to go abroad and he didn’t even want to think about that. He turned and this time Nate let him go. He would have to put it all out of his mind; for both of them it seemed, right now, work came first.
Once again the seminar had been a success. It had also been quite an eye opener, or at least one of the other conferences had been. A regional ‘Star Trek’ fan club had hired space from Friday through to the Saturday evening and, as Yanik came out of his final meeting, he was suddenly in a room full of Klingons and various other races, none of which he expected to see on the outskirts of London.
He had mentioned it to the receptionist as he went to pay his bill and was told the following day the hotel staff would also be dressed up and an intergalactic ball was being held that evening. He declined tickets, picked up his case and suit carrier from his room and headed for home. Maybe being a boring accountant wasn’t a bad thing after all.
It was dark and quite chilly by the time Yanik drew into his road. The streetlight shone down, casting a circle of light on his driveway, and he pulled up onto the gravel, glad to be home and done with being polite for at least a week. As he made his way towards his front door he saw a shadow being cast across the grass and warily called out.
“It’s me. I … I didn’t want to call.”
“Nathan?” He moved closer and saw the young man sitting on top of a suitcase. He was dressed in only jeans and a t-shirt and was shivering.
“What are you doing here?”
“I need you, Yan, if only to explain things to. Don’t send me away.”
“Baby, you’re freezing.” The endearment slipped from his tongue easily and he saw Nathan look up at him in surprise. “Just come inside, I’ll make you a coffee.” His voice was unnecessarily curt and Nathan nodded; disappointment now etched on his face, and did as he was told. He had so much to say, but all his words seemed to have deserted him and so, heading for the living room, he curled up on the sofa and tried to get warm.
“Here, put this round you and drink up.” Nathan realized he must have nodded off as a cup of steaming coffee appeared in front of him and a duvet was wrapped round him. “You’re not wet or damp are you?”
“N … no, just cccold.”
Yanik’s heart was in freefall. It hadn’t been easy to let go of what he’d had when he couldn’t see Nathan, but now, with the younger man right there in front of him, all he wanted to do was sweep him up in his arms, tell him nothing mattered but them, and then kiss his tears away. The problem was other things did matter, and Yan knew they always would.
“Letting me in, the drink, making me warm again.”
“I’m not heartless, Nate, you can even stay the night, it’s too late for you to go home anyway.”
“Will you let me explain things?”
Yan nodded. He moved away from Nathan and made himself comfortable in one of the big reclining leather armchairs opposite from the sofa. He watched as Nate drank down most of his coffee and then saw him composing himself. Finally, with a deep breath, the younger man began.
“I used to be a child model. Mail order catalogues, fashion shows, I even did some work as an extra in a few films. I was getting older though, and there was a glut of models who did what I was doing. I wasn’t getting enough work to pay the mortgage and feed myself. Thin maybe in but I was getting emaciated and ill. My brother works for the company who makes my films. He suggested I audition to be in one of their movies when I was about to turn nineteen. I freaked out. There was no way I could have sex with a woman, I wouldn’t be able to get it up, couldn’t kiss her, it would be a disaster.
“Harry said that wasn’t a problem. They did threesome, bi, films, the other guy would deal with the woman, and I’d just concentrate on him. I still wasn’t convinced and put off giving him an answer. I didn’t work for almost two months though, nothing, not even PR work, and so I called him. He got me an audition the next day, by the end of the week I was filming in a chilly bed-sit in Streatham. I hated it but even if the location wasn’t a big deal the company was. I got a basic fee and a two-year contract; I also got a small percentage of the profits. When that movie was a hit I got a bigger percentage from the next one. By the forth one I’d paid off my mortgage and bought a car. I couldn’t believe my luck.”
Nathan stopped talking; he finished his drink and, for the first time since he’d begun, looked across at Yanik. If he wanted encouragement to continue he got none. Yan was listening intently, there was no doubt of that, but his feelings were carefully hidden and Nate knew he had to carry on, whatever the older man was feeling.
“For the first year or so I didn’t have a partner, I was too knackered for one thing. It’s hard work, whatever you might think. We may get help keeping it hard but we still have to cum, still have to put our heart and soul into it otherwise it doesn’t look real. I didn’t want to have to come home and have sex with someone else, for whatever reason.
“I got lonely though, an empty house isn’t what I’m used to. When I lived at home Harry was always around, or my mum and dad. Even when I moved out, when I was eighteen, there were always people at my place. Somehow though, I didn’t want the other actors and actresses to come home with me and I didn’t know how I’d react if someone recognized me, so I tended to stay in, watch TV and have early nights. It wasn’t really a playboy lifestyle was it?”
Yanik shook his head slightly. It all sounded so clinical. There was no emotions mentioned except embarrassment and maybe feelings of isolation, neither of which he’d expected Nathan to suffer from.
“I had my hair shaved down real short to help me look different too. The hair in the movies is always a wig. They liked me to change the way I looked each time. I … I never thought about you recognizing the tat because I didn’t think you’d ever see me … see me perform. I am so sorry.”
“Go on.” Yanik didn’t move, he spoke abruptly because if he did otherwise his feelings would betray him.
“I met a couple of guys at the hotel over the next few months, once I started to go out again. I told both of them what I did, one left almost immediately but the other …” Again Nathan stopped, and this time Yan knew they were both struggling to keep things together.
“Nate?” His voice was full of emotion and for a moment Nathan looked up.
“He … he didn’t exactly rape me, but it came pretty close.” Tears fell now and Nathan’s shoulders heaved. “He … he did it in the back of his car in a lane about ten minutes from the hotel. When … when he dropped me back off in the car park … he … he threw twenty quid at me before driving off. Oh, God, Yan, I didn’t want you to do that.” He could no longer speak. His words turned into sobs and then, suddenly, Yanik was there, his arms round him holding him tight.
“Shhh, baby, it’s ok, no one’s going to do that to you any more. Shhh. Come on, precious, it’s finished. No more words tonight, no more.” Nathan felt the soft lips touch the top of his head as Yan kissed him gently. All the emotions of the past month welled up inside him, spilling out as wave after wave of moans and sobs engulfed him. He held onto Yanik tightly, his body heaving, his tears soaking the shirt he leant against, until, finally, unable to cry any longer, he fell into a fitful sleep in his lover’s arms, remembering only vaguely being laid on the sofa and covered properly with the duvet.
The sun was just beginning to find its way in through the blinds when Nathan stirred. He was totally unaware of where he was for a moment, fumbling with the covers as he looked around with sleep clouded eyes before recognizing the home of his lover, and remembering immediately all that had happened. Stifling a gasp Nate looked across at the chair where Yan had been sitting only to see him still there, covered by another duvet on the recliner that had obviously been his bed for the night.
For a few minutes Nathan lay where he was. He was warm, comfortable and at peace. He didn’t know how long that would last and he didn’t want to change anything. After a while though he knew he would have to get up, if only to go to the toilet. As quietly as possible he slid from under the covers, tiptoed out of the room and made his way towards the bathroom. Yanik stirred slightly but didn’t awaken and, with a sigh of relief, Nathan did what was necessary, then washed his face and hands before heading for the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.
Yanik woke to the smell of a good strong Java under his nose. He stretched stiffly and looked up, a smile splitting his face instantly.
“Did you sleep well, baby?”
Nathan, still not believing he was being called that, just nodded.
“Good. I … I didn’t want you to be alone. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, it was nice to wake up with you again. I’ve missed it.”
“Go and have a shower, we can talk again after breakfast if you want to.”
“I will, and I do. I have to finish, if you can’t accept me then, well, I’ll know I’ve given it my best shot.”
“I want to, baby, so badly. Go, I’ll treat you to a full English.”
Yan turned and went into the kitchen, he heard the sound of the water in the bathroom as he cooked and tried not to imagine Nathan naked just two rooms from where he stood. Finally the sounds stopped and he began to put the breakfast onto plates. By the time Nathan came into the kitchen in a clean shirt and jeans two servings of eggs, sunny side up, bacon, fried bread, sausage and mushrooms were waiting to be devoured.
For the most part the men ate in silence. Each had two cups of tea as well as their meal and when both were satisfied they sat back in their chairs and smiled.
“You can cook that for me any time. Thank you, Yan.”
“No problem. I have to admit, it was tasty wasn’t it?”
“Oh yeah. It’s a good job I quit, I’d never keep my boyish figure eating that every day.”
Yan laughed and then stopped, he looked across at his companion.
“What did you say?”
“You quit? Nathan?”
“I did some serious thinking after you left on Wednesday. I spoke to Harry, he agreed with me. Yanik, you are more important to me than any job. I’ll just have to find something in the normal world. I had to choose between the two and there was no contest.”
Yan didn’t know what to say. It had never occurred to him to ask Nathan to stop doing what he did and, now he had chosen him over his career, he was speechless.
“I didn’t work for about six weeks after that jerk treated me like a whore and I didn’t date for over two years. I knew I’d go back to it though, I needed the money, I didn’t think I could do anything else, and I didn’t want to let Harry down.”
“But don’t you still need the money? And Harry wasn’t that enamoured of me, I could tell.”
“You spotted that, huh? No, he took some persuading but in the end he agreed I was doing the right thing. I didn’t give up last time because I wasn’t in love with anyone. This time there was no other choice. I want to be with you, Yan, if you’ll have me, and I know I don’t stand a chance of having that happen if I’m still working in … in films. Those movies will always be out there, you are still gonna have problems with what I did, but this is worth fighting for, and I just don’t know any other way of going about it.”
Yan shook his head. He stood up and walked away from the table. His head was reeling, and he knew anything he said would be wrong.
“I … I need to think for a while; I’ll go get a newspaper. You stay here.” He didn’t wait for an answer; instead he grabbed his coat from the back of the chair and headed for the front door. Without turning back to look at Nathan he left and the young man dropped his head to the table. He had no idea if he’d made things better or ten times worse.
Yan walked, thought and seethed. The images of Nathan being taken forcefully were seared to his brain even though he hadn’t been there himself. Yanik had been so hurt, so devastated, by what he’d seen on the DVD and he hadn’t gone any deeper into his pain than the fact that he’d been lied to before confronting his lover. He hadn’t thought about Nathan and his feelings at all. It hadn’t been until after the confrontation that he’d felt everyone was laughing at him, but it had always been about him and no one else. The realization shamed Yan and he knew it would be almost impossible for him to make amends.
He nearly walked right past the newsagents so deep in thought was he but even when he had bought his paper he didn’t turn for home. He needed to work things out a little more, be in control of his thoughts and feelings, and the ten minutes he’d been out of the house wasn’t long enough for that. In the end it was the ringing of his phone which slowed him down and he answered it slightly out of breath and not at all sure where he was.
“Yan? Are you alright?”
“What? Oh, yeah, sorry. I … I’ll come back now.” Yanik looked around, hoping he could remember the roads he had travelled to get to his current location.
“I can come and get you, if you want.” Yan could hear Nate was still upset and, not wanting to be away from him any longer than he had to, he agreed; gave the younger man the name of the road he was in and then, leaning against the nearest lamppost, began to read the headlines as he waited.
Nate knew Yanik should have been back in about fifteen minutes and he’d rinsed off the breakfast things and loaded the dishwasher before making his way back to the lounge and sitting down in the chair where Yan had spent the night. He had never told anyone about the rape, and it had been rape, he just hadn’t wanted to make Yan any angrier than he’d appeared as he spoke the previous evening so he’d downplayed it a little. The relief was palpable, but it left him so emotional that tears still stung his eyes and as he sat alone, in his lover’s house, they fell again. There was no loss of control but Nate knew one discussion wasn’t going to be enough. He needed to talk it through again, if Yanik would listen, then maybe he could begin to put it to rest and move on. Nathan was hopeful the relationship he had shared with Yan could be salvaged. Just the feeling of the older man holding him in his arms was enough to brighten his day and his life, but already his body wanted more, needed more. He knew there was no way he could make the first move; it would all be up to Yan, it had to be.
It was when the hall clock chimed ten that Nathan realized he should no longer be alone. He was sure Yan hadn’t walked out on him, it was his house after all, but he had a feeling the older man might have got so caught up in his thoughts and emotions that he’d just kept going rather than stopping for the paper as he’d said he would. A quick phone call confirmed some of his suspicions and, after he’d checked the location on ‘map quest’, Nathan got in his car and drove off, not wanting to keep Yanik waiting any longer than he had to.
For a while after they returned home Nathan and Yanik did nothing more strenuous than sit on the sofa and read the paper. As usual on a Saturday there were plenty of supplements to go round and it was over an hour before either man had finished reading the main articles that caught their interest. Yan had grabbed the financial section while Nate read through the reviews and literacy sections first. Both reached for the sports paper at the same time, Nathan backing off and taking the magazine instead.
Finally, after they had drunk a large cup of coffee each and put the paper back into some sort of order, Yan looked up.
“Talk to me, precious, we can’t leave it unfinished like this.” Yan knew he too needed to open his heart but had a feeling if he took over the conversation Nathan would retreat.
“I don’t know what else to say.” All his courage had failed him. The drive in the car, the coffee and paper sharing, it had all been so normal, so how he wanted to spend his time with Yanik; he didn’t want to spoil it.
“When that guy … the one in the car, did you say no?”
“Yes, of course I did. Not that it made any difference.”
“Then it was rape, you need to report it to the police.”
“Oh, sure. I can just see the headlines. Porn star claims he was raped! Like they’re going to believe me. It’s like a prostitute crying the same thing.”
“What you do for a living should have no relevance to how people treat you.” Yan stopped speaking, and then tried to stifle a sob. “Nate, that’s what I did, I’m so sorry. Please, please, darling, forgive me.”
He moved so he was kneeling in front of his lover, tears on his cheeks, and then looked up. Nathan thought his heart would break, his dominant boyfriend, so submissive before him, and he nodded, unable to speak. Instead he took Yan’s hands and pulled him up so they were sitting next to each other again. Nate leant in and tenderly, softly, kissed Yanik on the lips, holding him close as carefully, slowly, he explored his mouth, casting a spell that neither of them wanted to break.
“You’ve never called me darling before.” Nathan looked shyly at his lover, he couldn’t remember anyone ever calling him that and he already cherished the memory.
“I haven’t done a lot of things I should have, but I plan to change.” Yan took a deep breath and then made eye contact with Nate. “You don’t have to give up your career, I’d already decided that before you came to collect me … I don’t know much about the porn industry but I have a pretty fair idea that you only have a few good years in you.”
“Oh, thanks for that!” Nate smiled despite himself. “It’s true though, another six or seven years, ten tops and I’d be wanting to move on anyway. Even in those films I was the submissive one. Unless you are into big hairy guys, which I am by the way,” Nathan boldly ran a hand over Yan’s chest, evoking a moan before speaking again, “about thirty is the limit. People forget, Yan, I promise they do. If we can get through the next decade no one will know who I am.”
“You’ll have to help me, Nate. I’ve always been faithful, I … I don’t know if I can stand the thought of sharing you with others. You … you cum, for God’s sake, that means you have to be aroused, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, but, since we met, even though you always top, I pretended it was you I was taking, that way I always came when they wanted me to.”
Yan felt as if he’d just received the biggest compliment of his life. He wasn’t a handsome stud like the guys Nate worked with, sure he was tall and Nathan liked his cock, but some of those porn stars were hung, he wasn’t hung.
“What are you thinking?”
“When … when you made love with me,” he looked away, unable to finish his sentence, unable to cast any more doubt on what Nathan did or didn’t do.
“Lover, we have to clear this all up. Ask me, please, I’ll answer anything, I promise.” Nathan ran a hand into Yan’s hair, pushing it back from his face. “So, beautiful, angel, so beautiful.”
For a moment Yan was silent, the feel of Nate’s skin against his was all he could concentrate on. He was getting aroused despite himself and he knew he had to focus.
“When … did you use a script, Nate?”
“What?” Nathan looked confused.
“The words, when you were with me were they what you say in your films?”
“Oh, God, baby, no. Yanik no one has ever satisfied me the way you do. That cock of yours with its sexy curve, your voice, you dominate me but let me enjoy it all. I … I love you, Yan, what I say to you, even if the words are sometimes the same, they only mean something when I’m with you.”
“Ohhh.” The sound came out as a groan of anguish. “I treated you so badly, Nate, and I don’t know how I’ll ever get you to forgive me for that. I love you too, and I’ve missed you so much.”
“Shhh, there’s nothing to forgive. You apologised, that’s enough for me. This is going to take a lot of talking, of feeling our way, before you’re comfortable with it, I know that.” He paused, an idea suddenly occurring to him. “Yan, come with me, next time.”
“Pardon? You mean when you … when you film?”
“I do. It’s not sexy, I want you to see, maybe then you’ll understand a bit more.”
Yan thought for a moment. He knew ordinary film actors had said sex scenes were embarrassing, not at all arousing and he guessed that could be true of porn films too. He nodded, deep in thought, and saw Nathan smile.
“You won’t recognize me, I look really different in the one I’m doing now or was doing ’til I quit. I insisted upon it.”
“You did, why?” Yan looked at his lover, at the beautiful eyes, the handsome face, the kissable lips and wondered why he would want to change anything about himself.
“Because I didn’t want to cause you any more embarrassment. Even if we weren’t together any longer, there might be more people like Colin out there, I figured this way you could say it wasn’t me.”
Yanik shook his head. All through their split Nathan had acted so responsibly, so maturely. He wished he had done the same.
“Do you think Harry will take you back on?”
“Oh yeah. He didn’t want me to quit in the first place. As long as I’m back by the end of the week I won’t throw the shooting schedule out too much.”
Yan just nodded. How could he have been so selfish when all Nathan had done was behave in a manner designed to cause him as little pain and embarrassment as possible?
“What are you thinking? Do you have any more questions?”
“Only one, whatever did I do to deserve someone like you? I am so glad you came and took me back.”
Nathan just smiled. He leant forward and captured Yan’s lips with his own. His hands went into the long hair he cherished and he began to slowly kiss his partner. He was aroused, but only a little, he didn’t want to make love to Yanik, he just wanted to be loved by him. Yan seemed to understand and kissed Nate back just as gently and then, both men content and complete for the time being, they rested in each other’s arms needing nothing more than they had.
Yanik had packed a suitcase the following day and headed back to Nathan’s house. They had flown to Amsterdam and found a nice hotel close to a canal and wandered the city together holding hands and enjoying the freedom.
The Monday morning saw the two men at a characterless looking building; Nathan in a make up chair and Yanik, with a coffee and three morning papers, trying very hard to look inconspicuous. When, after about an hour and a half, Nathan finally came to find his lover Yanik didn’t even look up.
“Hi, what do you think?”
“Nate?” Yan wasn’t sure he was even talking to the right person.
“Yep, that’s what they call me, well, not here they don’t, but you do.”
“I … wow, you weren’t kidding were you?” Yanik shook his head and then laughed as Nathan pirouetted before him. The blond hair was gone and in its place was a dark brown wig, not that it looked like one, the hair was shoulder length and fastened in a ponytail. Nathan’s eyes were no longer blue but hazel and he had a brown goatee beard. Yanik was impressed; if he didn’t recognize his lover then he was certain others wouldn’t.
“I can’t get rid of the tattoo, or cover it up. I get so much fan mail about it that it has to stay.”
“You get fan mail?” Again Yan was astounded. Nathan nodded, his face flushing with embarrassment.
“Quite a lot of it actually. I’d show it to you, but … well, I’m not sure how you’d handle it to be honest.”
Yan just nodded, he may be a slightly naïve accountant but he wasn’t that naïve.
“I’m off to wardrobe now; a secretary will come and get you when we’re ready to start shooting. If you don’t want to watch just tell her you’ll wait here, ok?”
“Can I kiss you? I never kissed a man with a beard before.”
Nathan nodded and leant down. Yan resisted the temptation to run his fingers into the dark brown hair knowing it would only have to be redone, but the feel of the roughness on his own face, the brown eyes, made him realize that, in one sense, he wasn’t kissing his mate at all, while in another he was the only person who knew who Nathan really was. That excited him and the kiss grew more fervent until Nate pulled away.
“Whoa, lover, I’ll get in trouble with the make up artist if you spoil my look. I take it you approve though.”
“Oh yeah, I like, very much. Now, scoot, I’ll see you soon.” Yan tapped Nathan’s butt gently and then watched him move off across the reception area. There was a confidence in his step, which hadn’t been there before, a poise that showed how right Yan had been to accept his invitation.
The filming had gone well, Nathan had been pleased with what he did and how he looked when he saw the rushes. He’d been certain no one would recognize him and when Yanik had looked at him as if he were a stranger he’d been delighted. Now though he wasn’t so sure.
The three days in Amsterdam had been pleasant, he’d filmed during the day and they’d spent the evenings in some of the gay bars and clubs that proliferated in the city. On the final day they had visited some of the sights, Anne Frank’s house as well as an exhibition on the Dutch Resistance and a very informative sex museum.
One evening they had gone to Nate’s favourite gay club and Yan had seen the other side of Nathan’s life first hand. Whereas he’d been terrified someone would know he was dating a porn star, in the bar he was treated like royalty for that very reason. There was an autographed picture of Nate on the wall, or Nathanial as he was known by the club owner. Neither of them had paid for one drink all evening and Nathan had signed so many photos the older man had lost count.
The walk back to the hotel had been silent and a little awkward until, as they entered their room, Nathan spoke.
“I’m sorry about that. It was hardly a quiet drink was it?”
“That’s all right, it was a bit of an eye opener though I have to admit. I … I never thought of you as famous, I guess I should have done.”
“No problem, I don’t think of me that way either. Amsterdam is a liberated city though, pretty much anything goes, and I doubt I’d get the same reaction anywhere else. Some of the guys I work with strip there, in the club I mean, I’ve never done that, I might be confident, but I’m not that confident. I prefer to know who I’m taking my clothes off for. I’d also prefer it to be you.”
Yan had smiled before leaning over to kiss his lover on the lips. After all the bumping and grinding in the club neither man, surprisingly, wanted to make love and instead they had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, content to know the other was there.
Yan had driven home from the airport, Nathan, now he was no longer working, was overcome with exhaustion. He’d expected it and slept almost the entire journey back to the UK. Yanik had dropped him off at home, needing sleep himself now the trip was almost over. They arranged to meet the following day so they could spend the weekend together.
Nathan stretched out on the sofa and clicked the remote; starting up the CD he’d been listening to all over again. The rain hammered against the patio doors and for a moment he shivered involuntarily.
“Are you cold, precious? I can put the heating on.” Yan looked over with concern and was relieved when Nate shook his head.
“No, I’m fine, you can come and warm me up though, if you want.”
Yan looked away for a moment a troubled expression on his face and Nate got up and moved across to where he was sitting.
“There is nothing.”
“Oh yes there is. You’ve been distant ever since we got home. I know that’s only a day, but it’s still a long time. I need you to tell me what’s on your mind.” Nathan reached up and rested his hand on Yanik’s cheek. Long eyelashes touched his fingertips as Yan closed his eyes and then almost imperceptibly he nodded.
“Come sit with me. I told you I would answer any questions, that hasn’t changed.”
Nathan stood up and then pulled Yanik by the hand. The older man stood as well and let himself be led back to the sofa. Nate sat down and waited for Yan to get comfortable beside him. To his surprise rather than talk Yanik leant over and captured Nate’s lips with his own and kissed the younger man passionately.
“I love you so much, Nate … I, I want you to make love to me.”
“You know I will, lover, that won’t change.” Nathan kissed him back, his hand going into Yan’s hair and he wished for a second he still had the wig he’d worn for the film so Yan could do it to him.
“No, I … Nathan, I want you to top.”
“What? Are you sure?” Nathan looked on in amazement. One of the first things Yanik had said to him was that he topped, always had and always would.
“I was … God, Nate, watching you take that guy, I was so horny, I wanted it to be me, please. Take me like that.” The brown eyes looked at Nathan, their depths unfathomable and the younger man spoke.
“Is that why you’ve been so quiet? So … remote?”
Again Yan averted his eyes but then slowly, warily, he gazed back at Nate and nodded.
“You’ll have to guide me. It’ll be painful, and … Yan, I’ve never done this with anyone I love, what if … what if I can’t?” Nathan’s worries seemed to spur Yanik on and his words were quashed by another passionate kiss from his lover and they moved apart as Yan spoke again.
“Take the lead, baby, all the things you’ve wanted to do, do them, I want you to be in control. We may never do it again, if it doesn’t work, but now, tonight, please.”
Yan’s voice was wavering with emotion and Nathan just nodded. He thought for a moment before reaching out and beginning to undo Yan’s shirt. When all the buttons were freed he pulled it apart a little way so that the muscular hairy chest showed. Then he crouched down and removed the shoes and socks. Yan stood before him, a little unsure, but obviously hard with desire.
Again Nathan reached out but this time his hand grasped Yan’s cock. He felt its strength and firmness through the denim of the jeans his lover was wearing and then leant forward and put his lips round the bulge and blew warm air against it.
“Oh, God, Nate.” His hands were already in fists and Yan felt his legs wobble. He was so aroused, so ready for his partner to strip him naked and yet the younger man seemed to have no intention of doing that, at least not yet.
Nathan stood up and put a hand inside the shirt. He found Yan’s nipple and began to tease it, carefully touching the skin around it but never quite getting to the nub. When he heard Yan’s breath begin to come in gasps he moved his hand and did the same to the other one then, without warning, he pinched both of them hard, causing his lover to collapse back on the sofa, his hands grasping at the cushions as he tried to get a grip.
“Watch me, lover, don’t touch anywhere just watch.”
The music, which had been playing in the background, seemed to add just enough atmosphere for Nathan to lose his inhibitions and, as Yan remembered what he had said in the hotel a few nights earlier, Nate began to remove his clothes.
He too was wearing a button down shirt, which he undid but, as with Yan’s, he didn’t remove it. His own socks were next; his shoes already shucked off before he lay on the sofa. For a minute or two he swayed and danced in time with the music, moving closer to Yan, kissing him, reaching out to touch his face, his hair, his shoulders, and then he pulled the older man to his feet and held him gently against him. The song Nathan had enticed Yan with finished and a slow love song replaced it. The two men danced together, Nathan occasionally kissing Yan’s face and throat before, as the music died for a moment, he carefully removed their shirts. He turned Yan so his back was leaning against him, rubbed his hard cock into Yan’s butt and then, putting his arms around him, began to play with his nipples. Yan leant his head back on his partner’s chest and once again they danced together, Nathan kissing and nipping the soft skin of his lover’s back and neck, touching and pulling at the dark brown nubs and running his fingers through the chest hair until, with a growl, he turned Yan to face him again, pulled the belt from Yan’s jeans, and removed his trousers.
The tent shape in the front of his shorts showed just how aroused Yan was. His cock had leaked copious amounts of pre-cum, which soaked the cloth around the head of his sex, and Nathan ran his finger over the stain before sucking it into his mouth.
“Taste so good, angel, love your cum.”
Yan had shivered as he was finally touched on his hard aching member. It was fleeting though and he ground his hips at nothing, trying to feel something other than frustrated.
“Take me, baby, need you so much.”
“Ah, ah. How I want it remember?” Nate captured Yan’s lips, kissing him and sucking the soft flesh into his mouth and grazing it with his teeth. When he stopped they had a bruised flush that made him capture them again, sucking and licking until the two men, rubbing hard against each other, knew they had to move on.
Nathan undid the fastenings on his jeans and slowly removed them. As usual he had no underwear on and his long hard cock bounced out of its confines, pre-cum on the tip as the vein stood out in prominent arousal. His hands moved to the waistband of Yan’s shorts and he hooked his thumbs into it. He knelt before the taller man and slowly began to pull downwards until the rock hard flesh popped out and he took it all into his mouth in one go.
“Ohhhh, my God, Nate, I’ve missed you so much.” Yan hadn’t made love to Nathan since they’d got back together. While they’d been in Holland he’d preferred to wait until they returned home, wanting to be away from the film world and back where he felt more in control. The sensations that engulfed him now made him realize he had made the right decision. His balls were already full of a huge amount of cum and he knew it wouldn’t be long before he spilled it all for his lover.
“Come with me, my angel, let me get you ready.” Nathan pulled Yan with him towards the main bedroom, taking the stairs as quickly as he dared, and then watched as Yan climbed onto the bed and waited for him.
Nate lay on his side next to Yan and began to kiss at his nipples again. One hand went to the long curved cock and he began to play with it. It felt so soft in his hand but so firm and Nate gave one last suck to the enticing nub before moving down and teasing the head of the cock he loved so much first with his tongue and then with his lips. Yan’s breathing increased, Nathan could feel him tensing, growing in his mouth and he moved back.
“It’s time, lover, turn for me.”
Yan nodded his head, shifted position and got onto all fours. The sight of his dominant partner waiting for him in such a submissive manner was almost too much for Nathan. If he was honest he hadn’t expected Yan to get aroused by the filming he’d seen, and the scenario being played out now would never have occurred to him. He pushed all thoughts away and placed his lips against the soft skin of Yan’s backside, kissing and kneading it, wanting Yanik to be as relaxed as possible and ready for what was to come. The hair that made its way down the crease and around the portal, which awaited him, was so dark it was almost black and he licked at it, making it wet and ready for him.
“Are you sure about this, Yan?”
“Yes, I’ve wanted it ever since I watched you. Please, don’t tease.” His voice was husky with arousal and Nate knew he was speaking the truth.
“I won’t, well, not much, I promise. You must promise too though, if you change your mind we stop, go back to how its always been, ok?” This time Yan didn’t speak; he just nodded his head before resting it on the pillows of the bed and reaching back to pull his cheeks apart.
Nate leant in, his tongue already furled and gently touched the rosebud just the once. Then he began to lick and kiss again, carefully laving up and down, making sure to lubricate the area generously before furling his tongue once more. This time, as he pushed inwards, one hand snaked round and grasped Yan’s hard cock. He knew the pressure might cause discomfort and he wanted to increase the pleasure side of things.
“Ohhh, that feels so good. So good.” Yan raised himself up, trying to get more of Nathan inside him. “I … oh, Nate.”
“Shhh, just relax, it gets so much better than this.” He felt Yan do as he was told and saw him slump a little before him. There was a bottle of lube in the nightstand and Nate reached out to grab it and began to prepare his lover for what he hoped would be a wonderful experience for both of them.
The lube was cold against Yanik’s skin and he heard Nathan laugh as he tensed up a little.
“Even doctors warm their hands you know.” Yan complained while looking over his shoulder and drinking in the sight of Nate, his muscular chest and arms flexing as he rubbed the lube over his fingers.
“Sorry, will this do?” He blew across his hand and then Yan’s rosebud, moaning softly as it contracted against the flow. “Spread a little for me, angel, let me in.”
Yan resumed the position he’d been holding and tried to regulate his breathing. He knew it would hurt, part of him wanted it to, as some sort of recompense for the pain he’d put his lover through, and then, stifling a groan, he felt Nate push against him.
Nate had known Yanik would be tight but for a moment he wondered whether he would even get one finger in. He began to kiss and lick at Yan’s cheeks, rubbing his free hand in small circles, anything to relax his partner and help his entry. Finally the muscles unclenched and he pushed forward.
“Oh, God, oh, God, Nate.” Yan consciously tried to let everything just stay loose. He wanted to be taken so badly and so he concentrated on the feel of Nathan’s lips against his skin, fingers as they traced swirls and patterns over his butt and gradually he realized the pain was diminishing and he pushed back a little himself.
“Ok, lover, that’s one finger all the way in. What do you think?” Nate waggled the finger inside the tight confines of Yan’s body. The moans he got in reply encouraged him and he moved a little before pumping gently in and out. Finally he rubbed across Yan’s prostate and saw the older man’s cock jerk in response.
“Yes, oh yes, so fine, Nate, more, please, give me more.”
Yan couldn’t believe how good it was. He mewled in disappointment as he felt Nate leave his body and then grimaced as two fingers began the same journey. By the time there were three fingers inside him Yan was covered in a sheen of sweat, his hands pulling at his own nipples as he felt Nathan slowly jack his cock, returning it to hardness before moving away from him and then kissing his back.
“Gonna take you now, angel. Make you mine.” Nathan rolled on a condom; he would be tested again later in the week and was taking no chances. The lube slipped easily onto the latex and then he put some more onto Yan’s body.
“Play with yourself, love, slowly while I do this.” Nathan rested his hard flesh against the portal and then waited. He watched as Yan’s hand grasped his own sex and began to pump it, slowly at first and then with a little more speed. Nate pushed against Yanik, watching the muscles tense, and then held his position until finally he saw them relax just a little and he pushed again.
“Arghhh, Nathan!” Yan felt as though he was on fire, he didn’t think there was any way he could take the hard cock inside him but he wanted to so badly.
“Shhh, not gonna move, gonna stay like this for a while. It’s ok, babe. Just relax.”
Nate was true to his word and he stayed just inside Yan’s body. His hands held on to the soft skin of his partner’s hips but his thumbs gently stroked back and forwards until he began to feel and see Yan calm himself. Carefully he pushed in a little more and then again, each time he waited, and then restarted until he was where he wanted to be, completely inside his lover’s body.
“You have me, my love, all of me.” Nathan pushed a tiny bit more and heard Yan moan.
“I never knew it would feel so good, do it again, push into me again.”
Nathan nodded even though he knew Yan had his eyes closed. He pulled slowly back until just the head was hidden from sight and began the inward journey again, a little quicker this time.
“Yes, yes, yes.” Yan chanted his approval, the muscles in his neck relaxed and, as his hand grasped his own erection, he opened his eyes and looked back. “Want to see you, precious, let me turn.” He moved forward a little and felt Nathan leave him. In an instant he was lying on his back, his legs against his body, as he waited, open and willing, to be filled once more.
Nathan slowly entered Yan again, this time he didn’t pause, but pushed in steadily. He looked at the beautiful face of his lover, the eyes, the mouth, and the hair, tousled now as it splayed out on the pillow.
“So tight, angel, so tight on my cock. Want this so bad, feels so good.”
“Take me, Nate, I’m yours, precious, take me hard.”
Nathan knew he should probably take it slow for a little longer, but when Yan began pulling on his own cock, fisting himself, he couldn’t hold back. Pulling out again he held tight to the muscular, hairy thighs before him, and plunged deep inside Yan’s body.
“Oh, yes! God, yes, that’s it, oh, ohhh, ohhhh.” Yan knew he wouldn’t last long; his hand was a blur as it sped up and down his own hard flesh as he watched his lover taking his virgin ass.
“Gonna cum, Yan, can’t … oh, lover, now, gonna cum, cum with me.” Nathan thrust in again, pushing even deeper than before, his cock rubbing against Yan’s prostate one final time and Yanik roared his completion.
“YES, Nate! Urghhh, ngggghhh, ohhhh.” Inarticulate sounds emanated from him as his cock jerked in his hand, the spunk shooting out and across his chest in an arc. Again and again his essence was wrenched from him, his body convulsing and tightening around Nathan as it did so.
Nate wasn’t able to hold on any longer, he felt himself cum into the condom, felt the muscles tighten around him and, as Yan let his legs relax and he rolled to the side, Nathan slid from his lover’s body and lay spooned around him, feeling totally complete.
Both men slept for over an hour before waking up and beginning to kiss and cuddle each other. After a while, as he lay in Yan’s arms, Nathan spoke.
“What did you think?”
“I loved it. When … when you were in the studio, I was so hot for you, but this, this was amazing. I love taking you, feeling you tight around me, shooting my load inside, but … I … I felt so free, so wanted, it was wonderful.” Yan stopped talking and kissed the head of his lover, the soft hair, not so short any longer, stuck up in tufts from when he had been asleep and Yanik thought the younger man was almost too cute.
“Would you let me do it some more?” Nathan looked up, there was concern in his eyes, he too had loved it and wanted to be in a position where he could fuck the older man again.
“Yes, oh yes. But only on one condition.”
“What’s that?” Nathan moved back a little, concern now written on his handsome features.
“You have to dance and strip for me first. That was so sexy.”
Nathan smiled and ran his fingers through the rug of chest hairs.
“Any time, lover, any time.”
The rain was still beating against the window and Yan made himself comfortable on the bed. Neither of them had anywhere else to go and he had no intention of moving. He needed one thing though, and so he turned and ran a finger across Nathan’s lips.
“I treated you so badly, please forgive me. I will never forget how much I hurt you, nor will I forget how kind and thoughtful you were to me in return. I am truly sorry.”
Nathan leant over and captured Yan’s lips with his own. For a minute or two there was no sound other than that of their kisses, but then, reluctantly, Nate pulled away.
“It did hurt, and I missed you so much. I’m not complete without you, Yan, and I’ve never felt as alone as I did while we were apart. No, shhh.” He saw Yanik try to speak and shook his head. “It’s in the past now. We love each other, there is no need to forgive, we both made mistakes, we’ve learnt from them. I love you, Yan, that never changed. So, it’s over, finished with, ok?”
Yan nodded. He had a feeling Nathan wouldn’t ever have any idea how much he had done for him. The younger man had transformed his plans for the future, the way he saw himself, the way he saw others. Yan knew though, even if it took the rest of his life, he would try, every day, to tell him.