For Evan, wherever you are…
It was twenty minutes after James’s confession of age that I lay in his arms, my head on his chest. It was a new experience, and all of the new feelings were washing over me. I could not believe that not too long before I had had sexual intercourse with a man. I had always considered myself straight, never had once looked at another man or considered what it would feel like, but now I was in uncharted territory. What did this mean? Was I gay? No, I couldn’t be.
But you enjoyed it! And so I did, but why? What untapped desires existed below the horizon of my conscious that produced enjoyment in feeling the entanglement of his black chest hair forest against my face? I couldn’t be certain. Sure, I had showered with other guys after basketball practice. I never watched them. While I was not the type to play slap-ass with a towel, I had laughed when others did. Did that mean I was comfortable being around them in that state of undress? Stop trying to rationalize it; this is much different from the locker room.
No, this was much different. My teammates- at least, when I was with them in the shower- did not drink each other’s cum. This was not the safety zone of the school locker room showers, which was built to handle the depersonalization of hygiene. This was a bed, something I could imagine only being personal. And the acts we had just shared were something entirely different.
I felt his lips brush my forehead as these thoughts swirled inside my mind. “What are you thinking about?” His whisper was like music that soothed my nerves. I shifted my arm around him to pull him closer to me, feeling his warmth.
“I’ve never done this before,” I confessed for the second time that night. Normally, a question such as that would be met with a noncommittal answer from me, but something in the protective embrace with the firm body called on the truth from me. The words seemed to easily leave my lips. Except, they sounded so unfamiliar and far away when I spoke.
I felt him tense under them. “Neither have I… Do you, um… Want to talk about it?”
“I’m not really sure what to say… But I’m not going to lie to you, Dom.” He paused for a moment. “I enjoyed that…whatever we can call it. Hell, I’m not sure what to call it myself…” The tone was strained, changing the entire atmosphere of the moment we had just shared. “But what do you think?”
“I enjoyed it, James… It felt really…good. Really good,” I felt his deep blue eyes on me, and to seal it, I found myself giving his warm nipple a kiss underneath the mat of hair. “I want more…but I don’t know what it means.”
“I… Yes,” he replied. “I’ll admit, Dom, that I don’t know what it means either. I guess what it comes down to is that we tried something new… It’s a first, and I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about it… I don’t know, Dom. I’ve never even given another guy a once over…”
“Nor have I,” while it was a short phrase, it seemed to cut the air like a knife.
He continued, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, though… What we did- while I can’t say it was wrong in the sense of two men being together- it was… It was…” Our eyes locked, and I couldn’t help but melt under his kiss. But as soon as briefly as the warmth spread between us, the chill of our roles set back in. “This was wrong of me… I was unprofessional, Dom. I shouldn’t have. For that, I accept full responsibility for this, no matter what you decide that may be…”
I froze. “What I decide it may be?”
“If I decide, it’s only me taking advantage of you…even more than I already have.”
“You taking advantage of me?” I had to admit that the words stung, the armor which had been off for such a short time now being donned again. “Let me ask you… In all of your years of teaching, how many times has a student offered you coffee after midnight?”
The nervous look on his face offered no reply.
“None,” I answered. “I’m as much at fault, James… I should have… You didn’t have to…” I broke off, not knowing what to say.
James took my head in his hands and kissed me again, nuzzling the black scruff against me. Then his lips traveled north, until they found my eyes. I closed them, feeling his closeness as his lips kissed each lid. “You’re right. I guess we took advantage of each other.”
“Look at me, Dom…please.”
I opened my green eyes to meet his gaze.
“You’re eighteen, and in a matter of weeks, I won’t be your instructor anymore… So, I guess we’re just two guys then…that shared something we enjoyed…really enjoyed, if I’m honest. By law, we shouldn’t have, for the purpose of being professional. But…” James paused, his voice uneven. “But, regardless of professionalism, now that I have, all I can say is that we’re two men who shared in something that we enjoyed.” James seemed to trail off.
“So you would never…?”
“I’m not sure… Things are a bit complicated in that aspect…” His expression was far away.
I nodded, knowing what he meant.
“I don’t mean to upset you, but even with that in mind…what would your family say?” His eyes searched my face for an answer, analyzing me again.
“They really don’t know about that side of my life.” I tried to keep the irritation from slipping into my voice, but I could not prevent the undertone was sounding.
The voice was careful. “Still, parents know…”
“I don’t advertise, if that’s what you mean.”
The quietness was a wall of thick ice. Finally, his bearish hand gently went under my chin and lifted it to meet his eyes again. “You’re right… I’m sorry. This is just all so new to me; I guess I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.”
I was getting lost in his gaze again, and without another word, I leaned up, kissing James on the mouth. “I’m sorry too; maybe I should get to know you a bit better, as well.”
I could feel him melting, just as I was melting, under the power of the kiss. “I’m an open book to anything you could ever wish to know.” James kissed me back, his arms holding me closer to him. Our mouths dueled, and my hand went to his hair, running my fingers through it.
We broke away; our smiles seemed to make the room brighter as we did. “Then are you an only child?” I teased, not knowing what other topic to jump to from the moment.
James laughed at my poor lead into a new conversation. “Oh, sometimes I wish,” he joked, “I am the youngest of four children. I have two sisters and one brother.”
“Ah, I see,” I laughed, “Close French American family?”
He grinned down at me, briefly squeezing me closer to him. “You’re right that Monaco is French, but actually the majority of my background is Italian.”
This notion surprised me, and I couldn’t help but imagine his siblings. James had never spoken of any family in class before, and I wondered what they were like. If they were anything like him, I was intrigued. I teased him some more, “So you keep your friends close but your enemies closer, eh?”
He brought his lips to mine, gently stroking the goose bumped skin of my chest, “All the time.” A playful smirk spread across his lips.
I kissed the playful evil from his lips. “I see. But when we part in the morning, I’m not going to get whacked, am I?”
“Not this time,” James laughing and stuck the tip of his tongue between his lips to show he was joking, “I would walk home instead of starting the car, though, if I were you.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, and I poked him in the side. James responded by rolling over under he was cradling me under him. His eyes looked down at me, and at once, I was reminded from the warmth of his flesh against mine all over that we were both naked together in the bed. I couldn’t help but feel as though we were starting something, even if it was just further experimentation for both of us. It was an equal field without the constraints of societal roles or secrets. My bear had me, and I had my bear.
He leant down and kissed me full on the lips, with more passion than before. My arms circled round the back of his neck, pulling him into me. My thumbs stroked the bottom of his hair- where it met the back of the neck- as they did.
“What are they like?” I asked finally, still cradled underneath him.
“The best,” James smiled. “My brother is the oldest; his name is Al. He’s a store manager for a Weis Market. Then there’s Sabina and Cheryl. Sabina decided to marry a guy from the West Coast and move out there with him; we get emails from time to time. Apparently, she’s a blackjack dealer, or she was when I last heard from her.”
I nodded, surprised with each new fact of his personal life. “And Cheryl?”
“We tease her that she’s the overachiever of the family, but she works as a forensic pathologist at The Medical Examiner’s Office down in Georgia.” James kissed my forehead. The touch sent tingles along my backside. My fingers traced the lines of his skin on the back of the neck.
I had to laugh at the mashup. “That’s quite a unique profession; I’ve actually found that kind of science a bit fascinating.”
His laugh was soothing music to my ears. “You’re the only person I’ve told about her that has had that kind of response.” His grin was angelic; I could have stayed under him no matter what. “What is it that you find fascinating about dead people?”
“There are so many pieces of information that can be obtained from them; it’s like they’re telling you their story when they can’t actually vocalize anything anymore. You mean to tell me that you don’t find it interesting?”
He paused, considering this. “I guess I never thought of it that way. But I couldn’t do what they do- not to anyone.” After a moment, James teased, “This is getting a bit dark. What about your family?”
I playfully rolled my eyes and laughed at his attempt to get the subject back on course. For a man who went to college to master the art of manipulating conversations back on track, his personal methods still appeared nervous. “Well, I have an older brother,” I finally answered. “He’ll be graduating college next year.”
“Ah, and what’s his major?”
“Criminal justice. It drives my parents up the wall because they were hoping he’d pursue something in business.” We both laughed. “So, my Dad still sends him some brochures for business schools sometimes; I guess he thinks it’ll plant a seed in his mind.”
“Yeah, I had a similar experience with my mother when I told her what I was going to college for.” James rolled us back on our sides, his arm still around me. Carefully, his other reached for the covers and pulled them higher up on us as the air conditioner clicked on in the background, chilling the room. He removed the tie and tossed it off to the side before continuing, “We just sat down at the kitchen table and talked over a couple cups of tea one weekend. She wanted me to do something great with photography; she couldn’t really understand how I would be happy with teaching.”
“But you love photography?”
“I do. I guess part of me wanted to be a part of something special, too, in a way that’s different from how photography is special. I wanted to give back, somehow. And besides, I always liked History; there are so many answers to the future that can be extracted from the past.” What little fragments there were of the walls between us were grating into dust and blowing away in the wind. I felt as though I were touching a deeper part of him than what even a friend would.
“Did you tell her that?” I found myself seeing new emotions in the lines of his face.
James nodded. “I told her that I felt it was something that I could do to help others. She still didn’t understand it, but I think she’s accepted it. I guess I’d say that I’m not sure I understand exactly why it’s so difficult for her to understand it…but I love her just the same.”
Silence passed over us as he stared off at the ceiling. We were in an uncharted sea, and the last thing I wanted was for him to steer us out of it. So I continued, “Maybe she just doesn’t want you to have any regrets… Maybe she just wants you to be happy…not sell yourself out for some plastic image of what others want. I think a lot of people sell themselves out…”
“Well, they shape themselves into what they need to be to fit a role. They tell you how to dress, how to act, and they ask you to be happy with it. Didn’t you feel like that going into teaching?” I knew I shouldn’t have said the words as soon as they left my lips, but I couldn’t help it. I had been through enough classrooms to see unhappy teachers.
“Not really, I enjoy it. I wear the tie every week day, but it’s not all I am.” James didn’t look at me.
“Ah, maybe I just don’t get it. But I’m sure she wants you to be you.”
His gaze found me again. “I’m sure she does.”
It was my turn to console him; I leaned up and kissed my bear on the lips, feeling the warmth of his presence wash over me. My hand felt the mat of fur on his chest as I did, experiencing the rise and fall of his chest for the first time- his heartbeat- under it as it did. It was a strong beat, regular and steady, as if it would protect me from the unknown crevices in the night.
I had never experienced such a feeling of safety before; I had always felt that I didn’t need anyone. That I could take care of myself. But now it traced every vein of my body until it enveloped me entirely. I knew I needed him right then.
“Thank you,” James breathed as our lips parted. I didn’t ask what for; something within me seemed to know already, as if it were a secret he carried within himself for a while. Then he continued, softly, “Anyway, my grandmother had a field day with her once our little talk kind of exploded into an argument. Gram lived across the street at the time, and I wound up over there.”
This part of the memory seemed to give him a snicker of laughter, “It’s funny; picture this little Italian woman- she couldn’t be taller than five, five- waving her hands saying, ‘Ya’ dumb baciagaloop; are you gonna’ be the one takin’ classes? Unless you are, I don’t want you to say another word to Jimmy about it.'”
I burst out laughing. “She didn’t say that!”
“Ha!” James shook his head, “You haven’t met my grandmother. She says what she wants.” His arms pulled me tighter to him. “Believe me, I got in trouble quite enough as a kid to hear all the Italian insults she could throw at me when I got disciplined.”
My eyebrows arched in surprise, “Oh, so you were a trouble-maker, were you?” I enjoyed teasing him; his expressions were priceless when he’d realize I was joking. I was growing fond of the way he would try to look innocent.
“Me? Nah…” His smile was addictive.
“Okay, you got me, officer.” James held up his hands with laughter, “Still am, to this day.”
I kissed him with more passion than the last I had given him, tracing the line of his lower lip with my tongue. “You’ll just have to prove that to me,” I whispered in his ear once we parted.
A devilish grin swept his face, his deep blue eyes seeming to smile as well as he tackled me again. My legs were on either side of his, and his cock- which had been soft but was now beginning to stiffen from my suggestion- stroked the inside of my thigh as his hips moved into me. We kissed again, this time allowing it to deepen until I was pulling him into me, our bodies mashing up with the heat of our recent tryst. I felt my legs weaken, needing him. My dick, however, began sprouting back to life.
Our bodies separated a little. His hands roamed my chest until they found my nipples, gently tweaking them. I couldn’t stand the electrical sensations which poured from them, sweeping over my body until their charges reached every inch of me. I whimpered, my fingers beginning to trace the outlines of his back muscular tissue. Then his mouth came down, kissing over to my earlobe, where his tongue began to flick the flab of skin.
“Jamesss,” I panted, getting lost in the feeling of him. I felt his dick twitch with hardening as it did, until I couldn’t help but buck my hips into him. The bed covers rose and fell with us as we began rocking into each other, our erections probing. I could feel his prodding at my balls, gently nuzzling them until I couldn’t form words anymore. I quivered, trying to keep control of myself.
The warm breath of James Monaco could be felt all over the left side of my neck as he tongued my earlobe, sending tingles all over my shoulders. When he inhaled, it sucked the heat away, until what was left was a cool tingle of sensitivity at his touch, which would melt under the heat of his exhalation again. It soothed me; I found his broad shoulder with my mouth and sucked hard on it, using my tongue to explore the firmness of it. I could taste the salt on his skin from the exertion of our previous acts of pleasure, and although any sort of taste would have normally disgusted me from anyone, I felt as though it added to his masculinity.
Masculinity? Why did that thought turn me on? Was I that easy to flip from the alpha straight male role? The reality set in again as I found the tip of his dick my balls until our shafts slid together, rubbing. This was a man I had never considered sexually attractive in the slightest, but tonight I was in bed with him, sucking him, and mentally comparing him with a wild animal from the mountains. My bear. The pet name stuck with me once more. It was not that I considered bestiality something I would wish to try; it was just that something in the dark entanglement of his chest hairs seemed to make me feel like someone seeking comfort from a teddy bear. Except, this was no teddy bear, and here I was, with a man who would do things with me again that would make me question my sexuality.
But most of all, I wanted him to.
I continued to kiss his shoulder, feeling our cocks rub against each other. They crossed, shifted, broke away, and then crossed again, each time hardening more than before. It was like a shaft of concrete against me, trying to find the appropriate place to call home.
His lips traveled down, tongue tracing my collarbone until it found the light sprinkling of hair on my chest. James tenderly kissed each pectoral muscle, then took each set of fingers off of the nipples. Carefully, his tongue traced around the left nipple, his blue eyes finding mine. The touch was sensual yet borderline teasing. Then, the tongue traveled to the right, without him breaking eye contact, and circled the right. I felt myself tensing under the touch, wanting nothing more than for James to touch my dick in that moment. My cock strained, leaking pre-cum.
He took his time with this, listening to my deepening breath as my hands held the sides of his neck. My fingers caressed his earlobes as my index fingers traced the fine black hairs bordering his ears. Then, when he was ready, his eyes broke contact so his mouth could take the entirety of the right nipple into it. He sucked it harder than I had done to him, nibbling the tip- not enough to hurt but to send tingles all over my body. Without realizing it, I began bucking my hips into him, harder and faster with each new sensation that he produced once he introduced his tongue to my nipple. Then, before I knew it, James pulled off.
I hadn’t even realized that I closed my eyes for a moment, but once the feeling stopped, I regained my sense of reality. Our eyes met, and under a head of tousled short black hair and twinkling blue eyes, I found his grin. It was a look that no one else had ever given me before, as if James somehow knew all of my darkest secrets at that particular moment.
At once, the moment was broken as he attacked the left nipple with the same amount of passion. My eyes closed again to savor the feeling of his teeth gently plucking the tip of it further into his mouth like they were trying to milk it. The tongue flickered over it to rub out the roughened tingle that the teeth brought. The result was a mixture of rough and smooth pleasure that made me whimper. My body writhed under his touch, wanting nothing but for James to continue providing such pleasure.
In my self-induced blindness to this scene on top of me, I began to feel one of his hands brush underneath me. Softly, the hand caressed my hip and then to one of my buttocks; I felt it give a firm grasp and then continue. Like it were massaging. And it moved on, until I was sure it would reach the other buttock. The feeling, combined with the workout on my left nipple, seemed to make me tense even more, begging for him to do something to me- anything at this point- to allow my cock to explode.
But the hand did not travel to the other buttock; it stopped in the crack of my ass, lightly tracing from the very top downward until it reached between my thighs. I sighed at the new sensation. No one had ever touched my ass, let alone in that way, but now that James had, I felt defenseless. What had been the strong, masculine straight boy was no more; I was quivering under my AP History teacher’s firm touch. And I loved it.
I no longer questioned why or what it meant, only gave in to the touch and gasped as his index finger traveled inside the crack of my ass to run down. Searching unsteadily as if it were unsure of whether or not to proceed.
“Oh, please…” I trailed off in almost a whisper, spreading my legs further apart to provide better access. I needed it, knowing now where it would go. What we would do. I didn’t care about anything but that moment, finally giving in. At last, it continued traveling, its nail gently brushing the skin between my buttocks and eliciting more moans from me, until it found what it desired.
Never in my life had I imagined such pleasure being produced from a part of my body so sacred and intimate. But now, I couldn’t understand how it was possible my mind had overlooked such a thought. Never again would I sell my opportunities for new experiences for a mere public image, I promised myself as long as his finger rubbed the outside of my hole. Gently, it began to push in. As soon as it began to, stinging pain shot from my hole at the feeling of it being stretched to accommodate anything entering it for the first time in my life. I winced, but the sensations that he was giving my nipple seemed to counteract it. Satisfied with his work, James now continued to alternate between the two, leaving me on the brink of screaming bloody murder and screaming his name as they intermixed.
It felt like only the tip of the index finger was in, but it slowly began rocking, easing what must have been another sixteenth of an inch into me to ensure I did not feel as much pain. It continued to sting as my hole bottomed out on the finger, and finally, the pain was too much to be counteracted by the pleasure.
“Hold up…” I panted, and found him pulling off. His finger eased out, still stinging on its way out but without as much intensity. When our eyes met, I found his searching my face with concern.
“I’m sorry…” James breathed. “Are you okay?”
Still trying to calm myself from the fingering, I answered by running my fingers through his hair. Then I leaned down to kiss his forehead. “I’m okay; I just need a little lube if we’re going to do that.”
The concern was still on his face as my arm reached over to the bedside table and pulled open the drawer. With a squeal, it pulled open, the bottle of vodka rolling against the side as it did. But beside that, my fingers found the object of their desire- the condoms and the lubricant that I had been planning to use on Kara earlier that evening. If I could thank that bitch right now, I mused to myself. Who would have guessed when I picked them from the variety in the local Walgreens that I would be choosing the ones that get used on me?
James leaned down and kissed my torso, his hands reaching down to both of my buttocks and gently massaging them to alleviate the pain. When I held out the lube to him, he looked back up at me as if he were analyzing whether or not he should. “Please?” I finally asked.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yes…” I whispered. “I want you.”
Without another word, James took the tube of lubricant and applied a generous coating to his index finger. Then he proceeded to rub it around the tight lips of my hole once more. Against the air conditioned room, it was cool to the touch, making me shiver. Then I felt the finger press again, rocking back and forth gently. Little by little, it proceeded to make way inside me. The lube helped to alleviate most of the pain.
First, the tip made it through, but with easy rocking, a little more slid in. Followed by more. I tried to relax myself, feeling how much more it hurt when I allowed my cheeks to clench around his finger. Little by little, it continued on, until what pain there was before seemed to numb and I felt his finger all the way inside.
James grinned at me, and I felt his cock twitch a little more against my leg.
Carefully, he began to pull the finger out, until it reached the tip. Then it slowly changed course to bury itself in my ass again. In and out, it began to finger fuck me, and I felt myself relax with each new thrust. I smiled back at him, my eyes never leaving his as he fingered me.
His other hand made the bottle of lube disappear for a moment and paused the assault. Then, I felt another finger with a generous coating of lubricant trying to join the other digit inside me. This one was met with more resistance, breeding more of the stinging pain that I had experienced earlier. I bit my lip, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want him to stop, somehow knowing that if James stopped now that he wouldn’t give me what I was beginning to understand I needed him to give me tonight.
As he watched my face, James began to pull out, but I stopped him. “Don’t…please. I’m fine.” For an instant, roughened lines of his twenty-eight-year-old face looked uncertain. But after a pause, he continued on.
Steadily, the second finger continued to press on, until it succeeded in joining its mate. He held them there, buried deep, for a minute, allowing my mind to wonder what the real thing would feel like. And how would it fit? I was going to find out soon.
They finally began to rock back and forth, lengthening their thrusts each turn. It felt numb and oddly pleasurable. I felt full, but each time he almost extracted the fingers entirely, it was as though James was stealing a piece of me. Leaving me incomplete. Whether it was strictly mental or I was beginning to find a new depth to the man behind the Windsor knot so characteristic of young males straight out of the teacher factories, I did not know. I only knew that I was ready for the real thing.
Gazing into each other’s eyes, James seemed to know what I was thinking. With care, he withdrew the fingers and reached for a condom. I watched as he meticulously unwrapped it and rolled the lubricated latex over his hardened shaft. When it was finally fully encased, it made the cock look as though it would burst through the material with power at any moment.
“Is it too small?” I couldn’t help myself from asking the question, no matter how idiotic it sounded once I vocalized it.
“Just right,” James grinned, showing me he could still adjust it with his hand. Then, his hand began working a generous amount of lubricant on his dick and even more on the hole. While I felt it might be overkill from the feeling of some of it running down to the top of my ass, I didn’t say anything because I was certain it was because he didn’t want me to hurt again. Finally satisfied, he began to crawl up over top of me until his lips met mine.
This kiss was softer, without tongue, like our first kiss. Then it deepened, bleeding into a second kiss which was more passionate. As we kissed, his hands grabbed my thighs and brought them up until my legs rested on his broad shoulders. Even in the soft light from the hotel room lamps, his tanned torso looked rough and powerful, like he could break me at any moment if he wished. But I was safe, knowing from the deep care behind the blue eyes that he wouldn’t.
I felt the tip of the knob at my hole, and instinctively, I tensed at the feeling. This would be the point of no return. If even the tip of a man’s cock entered my hole, I knew that I would not be able to banish the memory of it from my mind. I would have tried something that most straight men would be uncomfortable feeling.
And I didn’t care.
Seeing my soft smile, James slowly began to enter me. My hole put up resistance at the feeling, until I remembered how I had to relax myself with his fingers. Taking a slow, steady breath, I tried to apply what I had learned from his fingering, releasing the tension from my manner. That seemed to alleviate some of the stinging as James gently rocked back and forth, poking a little more of his warm cock in each thrust. Bit by bit, it went a little further inside, making me feel fuller than I had ever felt before. There seemed to be no end to his thick shaft as it burrowed further into me. His breath was ragged as he did, breathing deeply with a look that told me his main focus was ensuring he wouldn’t hurt me.
At last, I felt the bush of black hair press against my bottom, and he left himself there for a minute to give us both a break. My arms hooked around the back of his neck, pulling him down to me for a kiss. When our lips met, it was as if the bed we were in together began to float off the floor as the ceiling vanished, allowing it to fly through the night sky. Never before did I feel so fulfilled, wishing for nothing more than to make that moment last a lifetime.
His soft lips parted from mine, a sweet and yet curious expression in his eyes. What was James thinking, I wondered? Did he feel the brief instance of magic that I had fantasized? We were still firmly on the bed, which was secured to the plush champagne carpeting, but it still felt like cloud nine. Slowly, James kissed me again, both of us falling into the pleasure as his cock began to withdraw from my hole. It slid out as his tongue traced my bottom lip, then extended as I opened my mouth. Mine danced with it a wet and warm tango, never wanting to let go. But he began to break away as his cock almost fully exited me, and I used my lips to suck on the tip of his tongue as it began to retreat.
Slowly, he pushed back in all the way as though we were pushing me into the pillows. Then he began to withdraw again, slowly rocking back and forth. His hips were developing a steady rhythm like he had been doing this with me all of his life. I hardly noticed when I began to meet each thrust with my hips, trying to push as much of him into me as I could. The steady rocking, combined with looking into each other’s eyes alleviated any tension I had had from the night. I became lost in the moment, my rock hard cock petting the forest of black fur with each new thrust. I could feel the wetness of my pre-cum watering some of it down, amplifying the sensation of the moment, and I couldn’t help but begin to moan. The pleasure was overcoming any feeling of discomfort, and I was his.
“You like that, baby?” James panted as he began rocking a little faster. His breathing was more ragged than before, and I could feel his body becoming warmer from the exertion.
“Yes…Oh, James, please… Please, more.” I begged, pulling him down for a quick kiss. He answered with a tease, doing three faster and harder jabs into me. I gasped at this, ending the new dance of our tongues.
“Holy shit,” James breathed, close enough that I could feel the searing heat from it all over my neck. He was trying to speak, getting into a faster rhythm now that was beginning to make the bedsprings groan, but every time he tried to form a word, it seemed to die into breathing. His thrusts became deeper, more purposeful. It were as though his dick needed my ass, would die without it.
Faster and faster, the bed began to groan louder and began clanking as the pieces of the frame jostled to and fro with the piston-movement. My hips beat against him as they proceeded to gyrate back and forth to meet his thrusts even faster, making an almost slapping noise.
“James…James, harder! Harder!”
James groaned and obliged, losing himself in the moment as his head went to my chest. I could feel the dampness from his hair moistening my collarbone as I felt his steamy breath on my pectorals. My knees were now pressed firmly against my shoulders as his hands clenched the sheets on either side of my body. My hands held the back of his head close, fearing as though he would disappear at any moment. As though the groaning he was doing into my chest would cease to sound.
I was panting too, his body heat combining with mine to produce sweat from my glands. Never before had I been so warm and still felt so needed and cared for. I could feel him beginning to trail kisses wherever his lips could reach on my torso as his thrusts continued. “D-Dom…Dom…” I heard in between the touch of his lips. My bear, who I hoped would cuddle me all night, was now sounding as if he were about to lose control. “Dom!”
“That’s it, J-j…Jam…Jamesss!” I whimpered, giving myself over to the pleasure I was receiving. My cock was harder than ever before, my juices now having rubbed away with the combination of the movement and the heat. What was left was sticky and lustful need.
“I…Can-t. Can’t hold…Can’t hold on anymore.” His voice was strained; I could hear it trying to hold back with each movement.
“C-cum! Cum for me!” I begged him. “JAMES! CUM FOR ME!” I was losing control, no longer caring about who would hear my voice. I was pleading for this man to give my ass what it needed.
His head angled up towards me, and I could see the dampness surrounding his hairline. His blue eyes pierced my body, claiming me forever as his own. “Here it comes, baby…Here. It. COMES!”
I pulled his lips to mine, and our mouths fought for dominance as his body began to writhe. I felt his warm cock begin to pulse inside me as it did, feeling all the tension within him evaporating as he let go. The feeling of his warm body against my cock and the feeling of him climaxing and the knowing of what we had just done was too much for me; on his final thrust, I began to lose it. I felt myself begin to spurt cum between us, the movement of our bodies rubbing making it a sticky, warm lotion between us. My ass, in turn, clenched his cock, milking the remaining drops from it as he began to groan into my mouth from the sensitivity.
We stayed like that, kissing, until we began to feel our bodies relax so we could calm our breathing. It was then that we broke away, him gasping as his arms circled underneath me. “That was…incredible. In-fucking-credible…” He breathed, kissing my shoulder.
“You were incredible,” I kissed his cheek, rubbing his back with my hands.
Slowly, James pulled out, and I couldn’t help but feel as though it was not what we were supposed to do. While until that night I had considered myself completely straight, I felt like we were supposed to keep it in even afterwards, making the connection of us complete. But I was too spent to ask him otherwise. I rolled over on my side to watch him as he carefully slipped out of bed and removed the condom, tying it off to dispose of in the bathroom trash can. I heard him using the sink- presumably to clean himself with a washcloth. I remembered how I used to after sex with girls, despite how it used to freak some of them out.
In a moment, James returned, sitting on the bed with a damp washcloth. Gently, he began to wipe it over my torso, then around my crotch. His eyes looked at me, analyzing me again. Would this be it? Would he leave now, when I needed his presence the most? Momentary regret started to creep into the back of my mind, growing as I watched him return the cloth to the bathroom.
What would you even say if he decided to go? You can’t make him stay, and you know that. The thought was true, allowing me to remember that I was just a student. But I was naked and in a bed with him. Whether he stayed was his choice.
I was surprised when the light of the room suddenly extinguished, and in the darkness, I found a lone figure making its way across the room to the bed. I felt it pause by the bedside, perhaps unsure itself of what to do, then calmly pull the covers back. It climbed back into bed without a word, and in the darkness, its right arm found me and pulled me into him.
Neither of us spoke as I rested my head on the mat of black chest hair and his left arm pulled the covers up over us to keep warm. I wanted to say something to him, anything, but I didn’t know what to say. Any time that I had fucked a girl in the past, pillow talk was not something we engaged in. What do people say in these situations after pillow talk led to more sex and you still needed to talk? I looked up at the Italian-French-American man in wonder.
Finally, his head angled down and softly kissed my lips. Then his right arm snuggled me closer, the left joining in to lock around me, and I knew that no matter what happened in the night, this teddy bear of a man was here with me. And it felt right.
Listening to the beat of James’s heart, I stayed like that until I fell asleep.
James Monaco undid the Windsor knot of his tie for perhaps the fifteenth time Saturday morning. He was getting annoyed with it, finding that his first attempts made the knot too loose and the later ones the incorrect length. Dammit. Focus, you idiot. But no matter how many times his hands tried to thread the end of the fabric around, James found himself at a loss. His fingers fumbled with the material, and finally, he gave up. He crumpled the tie and stuffed it into the pocket of his pants, aggravated with it, and popped open the top button of his shirt collar. If anyone from work would see him at that moment, James figured they would probably tell him he looked like Hell.
He felt like Hell.
Staring into the mirror at himself, he couldn’t help but go back over the events after last night’s sexual release in his mind. He had gotten out of the bed to clean himself up, but as soon as he made it to the bathroom, James found himself faced with the reality. Everything he had worked for so long for- once gone into debt for- was over. He couldn’t see himself walking away from this without losing everything as he knew it. He had known the risks, and it was the voice of Mr. Trant, his History of American Education professor, that snuck into his mind as he washed off his student’s semen that night.
“Now, at the time that a complaint of sexual molestation is filed with the school by the parents, what would happen is that you would be called into a meeting with the superintendent and the principals. They would question you for your side and would address the nature of the situation. They will tell you that they’re going to conduct an investigation, and they will ask you whether you want it to be public or private. With public, you’ll career is finished because your reputation will be marked, even if you’re innocent. Why? Because of the media; everyone will know that you were involved in a situation such as that. But if you go with private, most schools would rather terminate your employment, regardless of whether or not you’re guilty or innocent. They usually don’t investigate as much and try to go with the quietest way of handling it… But either way, pardon my French, you’re fucked.”
The entire lecture at the time he was a mere student at Carlton seemed absurd to James at the time and impossible. He never imagined that it would be one of the rules that he would break, regardless of age of consent or the occasional crush a student would develop throughout his time teaching. The idea had made him sick to his stomach, until he couldn’t help but wonder if he should leave.
He had tried.
James disposed of the condom in the trash and only planned on offering the hand towel to Dom. But as he padded back to the bed, he couldn’t help but take in the memory of his first kiss with him. It was enough to make his knees grow weak, until he could do nothing but sit on the bed and wipe off the spent fluids from the younger man’s body.
The power of it remained, testing the depth of the waters in his comfort zone until he found himself standing by the bedside in the dark. Although James had not been entirely certain that he should, he gave in to a need he did not understand and climbed into the bed to hold the naked boy tight. Never before had he felt something like that for another man. He had always considered himself straight. And a teacher that made a promise to remain professional. Now, he was in an unknown land, without a career or shred of the identity left that had been James Robert Monaco.
What had it been that changed the rules of his feelings? Had Dom been right about him? Did he sell himself out for a plastic image that others wanted? He couldn’t have. He chose Carlton. He chose teaching. So why did he feel lost right now and, last night, completely figured out? What did the tie and the Windsor knot mean that they were vital right now? It was a Saturday, for chrissake.
Still gazing into the mirror, James did not know. It left him uneasy, but not as uncertain as the other aspect of his mistake which squeezed his mind. It flooded his mind like poison, until he could no longer think about last night without worrying about what would happen in the near future. James did not want to think about it, and he tried to push it away as much as possible; he had enough to be concerned about now that his professional life was over and he wasn’t certain how he felt about it. He refrained from turning on his phone as he began to hear the sleeping boy stir in the bedroom.
Here goes nothing…he thought to himself and walked through the open doorway into the bedroom. It was brighter than when he got up to shower an hour ago with bright sunlight pouring over the scene of his crime. In the twisted and piled bedsheets and half buried under the thick comforter, he found Dom looking up at him with sleep filled eyes.
“Morning,” Dom smiled at him.
“Morning,” James answered. Even as the word slipped into the air, he still found himself unsure of how he was going to handle the situation. He knew, deep down, that what he was attempting not to think about would, perhaps, end up being the biggest blow. Standing there, James Monaco knew he had no choice.
The moment I awoke, I felt that something was different. Angled on my right side towards the plate glass windows, I saw the sprinkling of concrete and glass buildings of the industrial parks and corporate centers across the expanse of surrounding lawn owned by the Rose. The sun illuminated the landscape, accenting the faint blue mountainsides of Northern Pennsylvania far on the distant horizon. It would have been amazing, had it not been for fact that the bed felt uneven, as if I were alone.
Still groggy, I rolled over to find that my suspicion was true; James was gone. I sat up to try to get an angle of the floor, noting that his clothes, save for his suit jacket, were gone as well. Would he leave without saying goodbye, much less without his suit jacket? I wasn’t sure. There had been that edge of slight discomfort, I felt, when he laid down to sleep with me last night. But I hoped that it was something we could put at ease together come morning. I laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Even if he was still around, what did I really expect to do, anyway? I couldn’t answer any of these questions, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be able to.
Finally, I heard footsteps coming from the bathroom, and James came into the room. His hair looked slightly damp, as if he had just showered not long before, and he was dressed in the pants and shirt from the night before. But the tie was gone; instead, his shirt was open at the top button, allowing me to see the hint of chest hair beneath the shirt. While I had never considered myself gay, I was now beginning to see him for more than just a teacher. I couldn’t help but think of the way he felt inside me, of how I wanted to feel that way again. He was attractive, I knew I could not deny it, despite never having considered a man as such before.
“Morning.” There seemed to be something else behind the word as he spoke. But what? I hoped he would tell me, but I decided that it was probably best to leave it be until he was ready, if he would be. We had crossed a number of boundaries last night, ones that meant more to him right now than to me for their obvious implications. I only hoped James wouldn’t insist that it was entirely him; I wouldn’t have done what I did- especially twice- if I didn’t want it. “I hope you don’t mind; I decided to take a shower.”
“Not at all. I was actually going to ask if you wanted to.” I looked at his face and took in the details. The eyes were mysterious now, knowing that was not what he wanted to say. “Actually, this room comes with a continental breakfast for two… If you want…” What was I doing? Was I starting to get serious about a hookup? Couldn’t be. In the past, I never cared about going through the date routine if I wanted satisfaction. Girls were a sport I liked to play.
But this was a man.
I wanted to stop the words as they were leaving my mouth, but I was powerless, giving in to what I knew deep down I wanted. Silence hung in the air as I watched him mentally debate with himself about what he wanted. Maybe this would be the deciding factor in steps to come; the ball was in his court.
As if he could reach no conclusion, James nodded. “That could be nice.” The relaxed air of him that was so evident last night seemed to have washed away with the shower. In its wake was a confused man of twenty-eight, that I was concerned would be hurt from an encounter we both sought pleasure for. And what else was there? Fear. Yes, there was a touch of it, and I knew why. I wished I could tell him there was nothing to fear- that no matter the outcome, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to allow last night to ever become known. While a small part of it was because it was an experience with a man, something that I wanted to keep private, a larger part was because this man and I had acted it out together, mutually. By that thought, I was just as responsible as James was, and I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I destroyed a man’s life for something I had a part in.
“I should probably get ready then,” I replied. Again, he nodded, and I slipped from beneath the bed covers. The cold air of the room chilled me to the bone, arousing my nipples. Chills ran down my spine. At once, I felt just as vulnerable as I had the night before when we acted out with passion.
James looked uneasy at the sight of me, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, his one hand rubbing the scruff around his mouth as the other held onto his belt where his hip met it. His gaze also shifted, moving from one spot on the floor, to me, to another spot on the floor and back. It seemed like he wanted to look at me but was trying to convince himself not to. Was he going to turn me away? I hoped not. Still, it was nice to know he still enjoyed what he saw.
Bending down, I grabbed the clean clothes I had from the backpack on the floor by the television cabinet and went in to the bathroom, feeling his eyes on me as I walked away. I showered quickly and dressed, second guessing whether or not I should have worn the clothes from the night before as I looked at myself in the mirror. From my jeans to my ratty t-shirt, I thought I didn’t look very mature. Too immature for a talk such as what I knew was sure would come. Reluctantly, I gave in, aware now that I was becoming nervous. James was still quiet as I left the bathroom and began packing everything up in the backpack. Even when he saw the bottle of vodka, he didn’t say a word. He saw on the chair where we had thrown our clothes last night, gripping the front of the arms.
I slung it over my shoulder, “Ready?” I swallowed, the tension of the room getting to me. I looked at the bed with its tossed sheets, remembering what we did. If these walls could talk…
I found him looking at it too, then at me. “Alright.” He rose to his feet, picked up his jacket, and together we left the hotel room. I heard the door click shut behind us with the electronic lock and took my last glance at room 316. Regardless of what was to come, I knew I would always have that night.
We walked in silence to the elevator. Out of the corner of my eye, I could still see him rubbing his scruff. He opened his mouth once like he wanted to say something and then stopped. It was like the wall which fell last night had been rebuilt in the time he was awake before me. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever come down again. When we rode down to the lobby, the woman at the front desk was not there, another difference in the world now from the world then. I couldn’t help but frown a little, wishing I could replay the time we spent together the previous night.
I wasn’t very hungry when we were at breakfast, but I decided it was best to act natural. We entered the room off the lobby to find a brightly lit dining room with floor to ceiling plate glass windows on the far side opening onto a spacious patio sprinkled with tables. Behind it, among the vibrant grounds of the garden, the pool was alive with little kids splashing and jumping in. To the right of the scattering of tables inside the room, two large screen televisions played the local weather and the latest from NBC. To the left, in an alcove, two breakfast bars dominated the area.
Carefully, I grabbed a plate and retrieved a warm bagel from a basket of them. I took a container of cream cheese and scooped some of the fresh fruit onto my place from a chilled bowl set on ice. Then I waited as James grabbed some eggs and a cup of coffee, and together, we went outside. Among the busy chatter of businessmen on cell phones and families enjoying quality time at breakfast, I spotted a vacant table for two at the far side of the patio and led the way. It was shaded by a neatly trimmed pink dogwood tree, shielding it from the harsh Pennsylvania heat in May.
For a while, we ate in silence. I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze for fear of those analytical eyes staring me down. I felt them on me off and on, as if he were waiting for the right moment to speak. I felt like we were the only quiet guests out of the mix, but what could I say? If this was how things were to be and he felt as I feared he did, was there any way that I could stop him? He liked what he saw when I got out of bed; I was almost sure of it now. But it wouldn’t be enough for a teacher to justify bending the rules.
And what did I want? A date? I didn’t even know. I had never considered our trysts to be anything romantic. What would it be like? Dinners with his family at Thanksgiving and bickering over who should fold the load of laundry in the dryer? It was 2015; we could be married? No, that was ridiculous. There was nothing between us. To think otherwise would be foolish; it was a night of fun and experimentation.
The hell it is… I got lost as my eyes wandered up to his face. His eyes were on me too, biting his lip in silence. It was a move that was holding back still and was somehow lost all at once. I wished he’d come out with it already, but I couldn’t deny that the expression warmed my heart to him. There was something more, despite my gut feeling that he felt otherwise.
“How is it?” I finally worked up the courage to ask.
James nursed his coffee cup, holding it still before him after he finished his sip. “It’s good…” He trailed off, then, “Dom, I have something that I feel needs to be addressed…because I feel terrible.” His cup was slightly unsteady as he spoke, like his voice. It seemed to lose its firm command as he stared at me, as if he were unsure of how to proceed.
I put down my bagel before I could take a bite. “Okay.” The word did not come easily to my vocal chords. This would be the point that everything would change.
“Dom…Dom…” He set the cup down, eyes following the ripples of the liquid in it. “I don’t even know what to say…” Swallowing hard like he was trying to regain some composition, James continued. “I really, really, really enjoyed last night… But that doesn’t change the fact that what we did… That whatever…” He was losing what he was saying as our eyes locked, a moment of pure electricity hanging in the air between us. “Christ,” he breathed.
“I enjoyed it too, James…” My voice sounded smaller and clumsy, but too steady in volume for him to deny having heard it. He stared at me with eyes of what? Sadness? Regret; it looked like it. I knew that I had just made it harder on him, but I couldn’t help but admit it to him. I felt more relaxed with James last night then I had in a while with another, as if I wouldn’t mind sharing secrets with him.
His hand rubbed the scruff around his mouth again. “In a way, it would be easier if you didn’t… It felt…right. But whatever this is…” James paused to stare at me, and took a deep breath, “Whatever would happen in typical situations between two people like this…can’t happen. I’m sorry, Dom.”
The iron fist had fallen at last, and suddenly, I had lost what little appetite I had before. I looked down at my open bagel, toying with its position on the plate. “I see; it was a mistake. Don’t worry; I’m sure it happens all the time.”
“No, Dom,” James leaned in suddenly, his eyes pleading, “Don’t say that; it wasn’t. Last night…” Carefully, he looked around to see who was nearby. Satisfied that no one was listening, James continued, “Last night was the first night in a while that I felt…”
“Like something wasn’t missing,” I finished, staring coldly into his eyes.
James was taken aback. “Yes…” he answered. The moment turned colder as he began shaking his head, eyes never leaving mine. “But, Dom, we can’t…”
“Why?” I braced myself for the answer to come. I was hurt, but I didn’t understand why. Before last night, he was nothing to me. Just a name on the top of a report I’d submit for a grade. But the game changed; now the rules were changing too.
He looked down at the table for a little, then up at me. Pain was spreading across his face, intermixed with the regret that I had seen earlier. All at once, I had a feeling that it did not have to do with last night at all- that there was something deeper slowly killing the stunning blue glaze of his eyes and transforming it into a darkened pool of hurt. Finally, James sat back in silence and looked down, seeming to know he could no longer speak without further hurting me or himself.
When he looked up at me, hurt filled his face as he retrieved a gold ring from his pocket and slipped it onto his left ring finger.
My jaw dropped.